Aurora Over a Dead World

"Zenith!! Zenith!!! Zenith!!!" I hear Nadir shouting and the sound of his footsteps running fast as he bursts into my hospital room, the faint cracking of the door hinges noticeable — he seems to be in a real hurry. I look at him and give a weak smile.

"H-Hey... Nadir... guess what?! I-I moved the equivalent of a small island a-at 23 years old... I-I’m amazing, right..." The first thing I say is an attempt to seem fine, despite my tired tone, trying to sound cheerful so I don’t cry. Nadir looks at my body and I see him biting his lips hard.

"D-Don’t cry... or I’ll cry... y-you’ve always been a crybaby in the past..." He holds back tears as he gets closer. If he cries, I don’t think I’d be able to hold back the tears, even though he’s sad and I understand that.

"Why didn’t anyone heal you? Why didn’t some Kaira with a power focused on regeneration or something like that show up?" With that question, I know no one told him anything. I think I know why — he would have definitely done something crazy.

But my diagnosis was simple: amputation of all four limbs was the only option. My limbs were beyond recovery, and keeping them or trying to restore them would end up killing me.

"...I-It’s not possible... s-spatial deformation damage... I-I was lucky to survive. The d-damage was about to start reaching my head... the chip... i-it almost destroyed... my brain." You can’t regenerate this kind of damage. Any attempt simply fails.

I guess I was still lucky. Spending an entire day using my powers nonstop, the sheer luck of not having my head deformed by space is just enormous — if you can even call that luck.

"..." I look at my body. No arms, no legs. I’m just a useless burden. I’m going to lose my commander position and be stuck in a wheelchair, dependent on someone for everything. I won’t even be able to do the basics of a functional person.

"M-Maybe... it would’ve been better if I’d died..." I murmur, wondering what the point was of surviving in such a pitiful state. Maybe dying as a "heroine" would have been better.

"Don’t say that!!" He practically shouts at me as he hugs me tight. You can feel the pain in his voice from hearing me say I would’ve preferred to have died in that dark hole.

’It hurts...’

"This isn’t over yet!! We’ll figure something out!! Don’t worry!! I’ll find something to help you!!! I bet there’s a way to do something. I know what you’re thinking — I won’t let them take your position, and I won’t let you live forever stuck in a chair!! Trust me."

"..." He lets go of me, realizing he’s hurting me. I look at the bandages that turned a little reddish from the blood. I’m still in bad shape — I just got out of several surgeries a short while ago, and even my head hurts.

"..." He looks at me with so much sadness, and it frustrates me deeply. It makes me feel like a useless burden. It only fuels my questions about why I survived. I don’t want to live if it means being a burden to Nadir.

"Are you... are you feeling a little better? Does it still hurt a lot?" he asks with a pained sigh, as if he might cry just trying to ask that. His efforts are kind of sweet.

"...Yes..."

"..." He seems uncertain whether the yes means I’m feeling better or that it still hurts a lot, and honestly, I’m not even sure myself.

"Zenith... please never try something like that again! I don’t want you to die for me. If you die—"

"Don’t say that..." I say, trying to sound angry. I can already imagine the stupid thing he was about to say, but he can’t say that. He doesn’t have that right after everything I did for his life.

"...Sorry... I..." He doesn’t finish, realizing that what he was going to say would trivialize all my effort. He has to keep living — not just so my "sacrifice" has some value, but because I wouldn’t accept him dying.

"I-It was my choice, Nadir... a-and I... I suffered this b-because of something I did... i-it’s not your fault... b-but you can’t give up!!" I look toward the window to try to hide the tears, but it’s obvious he sees them.

"...Zenith... they started hiding everything... this isn’t fair at all. You saved so many people, and even so, you’ll never get the credit you deserve... I should leave the army to take care of you and—"

"No!! D-Don’t leave... you can’t... p-please... w-we worked so hard for this..." My tone is more desperate than I wanted. I turn to him, who wants to give up after we fought so much to reach what we have now. We became commanders not long ago — I can’t let him destroy everything we fought for just because I’ve become a useless burden.

"Y-You can’t g-give up because of me... i-if that’s how it’s going to be, I’d rather they just kill me!!" If he’s going to give up everything just to take care of me, I’d rather tell them to kill me, to perform euthanasia on me.

"...!!!" He seems really shaken by what I said, but I can’t just drag him down. He fought so hard for what he has now — years living on the streets and then more years of effort to climb the ranks. We went through so many bad situations, and now that things were getting better, I can’t just let it all be for nothing because I’ve become a burden.

"...I swear I’ll find a way through this!! Even if it’s just prosthetics, I’ll fight to get you the best there is!!" he says quickly, trying to show that I won’t be a burden.

’Prosthetics...’ I look at my body. The possibility that I’ll have to live depending on equipment deeply disheartens me. No piece of metal will ever compare to my limbs.

"H-Hahaha... yeah... thank you..." I thank him without even being able to hide the tears, because I have no hands or arms to wipe them away.

"...I’ve never seen you cry like this before... please don’t try to hide your emotions from me. I know how devastated you are by this... I’m so sorry I’m the cause of it... if only I were stronger." He speaks as if it’s his fault, but I know him being stronger wouldn’t have changed anything. We had no control over that accident.

"I-It wouldn’t have changed anything... the island... would still be broken, that monster would still be alive... it’s not your fault... you... you didn’t have anything you could do..."

"No!! I know I could have done more!!! I know how unstable your powers are!!! Unlike me, who just gets more tired instead of constantly running risks!! If I had a gravity variant powerful enough, I could have done it!! Or if I could strengthen our allies more, we could have killed that monster!! You wouldn’t have had to go through this and—" He stops talking, seeing my expression.

"Sorry... I’m not trying to diminish what you did. Y-You did something incredible... it’s just... it’s so unfair." He can’t hide the tears anymore.

"You lost your limbs for me, saved so many, but no one’s even going to give you credit for it!! How can this be even remotely allowed to happen!!! That damn Astrid is the one who should have tried to lift the island!!! If those incompetents had used more floaters, maybe we could have lifted the piece of the island without the help of powers!!!" He starts blaming other people, even though Astrid couldn’t do anything with the type of power she has.

"It’s not fair that you paid such a high price for people who won’t even show you gratitude or respect!! People who won’t even remember that they’re only alive because you hurt yourself for it." He leans on the bed, while for me it’s so strange to see him cry. He hasn’t cried since we were kids.

Not even when he once came close to dying did he cry. I think it’s been about eight years since I’ve seen a tear on his face, and seeing him cry makes me feel so guilty for being the reason for his tears.

"...N-Nadir... m-maybe in the future this will be... cool... l-like we can talk about the past and say, w-wow... remember when you lifted a piece of the island by yourself..." I try to sound positive, even though I can’t envision a future where I’d be happy or cheerful thinking about the past.

I’m happy that Nadir is okay. Truly, I’m very happy. But the ingratitude of everyone I saved, the loss of my limbs, and the fact that I’ll never be whole again — all of this hurts much more than the wounds on my body.

I’m already someone people don’t like very much, and that’s never going to change, regardless of me having just saved so many. I guess I should have expected this injustice, even though it hurts more than I’d like to admit.

I guess that’s it. I have no one to blame but myself. I did this. I knew the risks. I accepted the risks. And now the risks are collecting the price of an almost reckless use of my powers, which were always unstable.

But even though it hurts me, even though it gives me this feeling of injustice, I’m glad I saved Nadir. Because I know that if I hadn’t done that, Nadir would have died. Many would have died, and we still would have lost that piece of the island, because no one there could kill that monster. So even though it hurts, I’m satisfied that Nadir is alive and well.

"..." He stands up, wiping his eyes with his hands, clearing the tears as he heads for the door.

"I’ll... be right back, Zenith." I know he doesn’t want to show this weak side to me, so I don’t say anything as he leaves. But I wanted him here. I wanted him to stay with me because I’m fragile too. Being alone right now just makes me stare at the ceiling and cry.

"...This... really hurts..."