For Some Reason, the School Goddess Likes to Hang Out at My House

- Have I been born wanting by my parents?

If you are in adolescence, you will sometimes have this kind of suspicion as part of your spiritual growth and grid.

And here must be everyone's answer to such a question.

'I don't know'

It will end with that one word.

If I ask my parents, I may hear unusual answers and loving words.

But whether or not you mean it is only the person who made the statement who knows.

But honestly, even if it's a metaphorical lie, I'm glad you said so.

At least it will tell you that you are about to fulfill your parental responsibilities, and you will feel safe and at ease.

And most importantly, we can see that a group named “Family” has been formed.

With this in mind, what can you say to me?

- I don't have a family.

Exists precisely, but simply says that no one seems to be a parent.

From my own parents, I've never felt anything like affection.

"I wish I hadn't been born"

It's like a curse, that word that plays on my head over and over again......

I've heard so many words in my ears since I was a kid.

When I trace the slightest memory I remember as a child, "someone I didn't know very well was in and out of the house." I remember only this memory vividly anyway.

That's both men and women.

Being a kid, I didn't know why so many people came and went... I didn't know what that meant.

Maybe he said, 'Father, do you have a lot of mothers?' So much so that I mistakenly thought.

One day after those days, I moved to my current borough apartment.

From there. What has changed dramatically from my previous life......

And my parents are gone at home...

- If you grow up, even fools will know.

That I was cheating on both my parents... so-called, playing men, playing women...

People who could be my parents were both still younger.

That's not why, but maybe he wasn't yet happy with his youth, or maybe he was a loving person.

But I don't know the truth.

Because I don't have enough involvement to understand.

I just know this.

That for both of us, I was in the way.

Well, the more I've heard about it since I was a kid, the more natural it is.

Put me in the borough apartment, and one of them comes over occasionally to see what's going on, as if it's on duty too.

It's a response to keeping us away from our own living quarters and putting me in jail.

And since I was in junior high, only my father has come.

- Must have been divorced “again”.

Before that, was it your mother who was here to see how things were going?

Is that your second mother?

Is that the third one?

Or are you a mistress?

Is the first person you met before that your mother in the first place?

I don't know...

Because I see so many people that I don't know......

Even if I did, I wouldn't get a big response.

So, I don't know what's true - nothing.

As those days went on, even his father, who occasionally had a face, became a 'mere being to leave as much money as he could live'.

I wonder what a family is?

I was trying not to think about it.

“Family love didn't exist from the beginning." I understood that as a child.

Marriage, couples have no vacant relationship to this extent......

After I understood that, I began to feel like 'crap' about love and relationships between men and women.

It is a natural consequence that if I were placed in such an environment, I would not want to be a romantic supremacist person who would be as anxious to fall in love as such a parent.

So I don't make weird mistakes, and I don't expect anything.

Above all - I don't even want to admit it.

Marriage?

Swear eternal love?

It's ridiculous how many times there is eternity.

However, there were times when I had such an idea while craving the warmth of family.

I mean, I was hungry for family love.

That's why crying kids can't leave you alone, or lend a hand when someone is in trouble, because I'm sure they overlap themselves and the parties.

Because I'm crying, I'm sad, and I miss you so much that nobody gives me a hand even though I'm in trouble......

But “there was” only in the past...... now I don't want fine dust or family love.

But at the time, I said, 'I want to be a family. I want to go back,' there was also a time when I thought insanely.

At that time, I was thinking, "If you work hard and find yourself necessary, if you think it's worth using, the environment in your home can change."

So I made an effort anyway.

Unfortunately, I don't have a genius brain that I can understand once I ask.

So I worked desperately hard.

I worked hard anyway dreaming of a future that might change, exciting my heart over and over again that was about to break.

To have you admit at all that you are competent, worthy......

As a result, in the high school entrance exam, it was worth the effort, and a little distance could pass the school said to be a public Mitsuya of something.

At that time, I was pleased with the boulder.

- It could change.

- The life that was dark may begin to be colored.

Yes, I had a pale hope in my chest.

And with emotion, I put in a call next to a friend telling his parents if he was okay or not.

I guess I was really floating at this time.

Just remembering makes me feel bitter. Because I forgot just for a moment what my parents did and did before......

In terms of results - it was futile.

"Don't Make a Call About Boring Things"

When I was thrown this word - I heard something of myself break.

At the same time I cursed my stupidity.

I wonder why I called someone like this.

I wish I had contacted you about tuition, living expenses, and the least I needed, just like I have been in business contact with you...

Yes, I forgot the key thing.

This family means that nothing changes - it doesn't originally exist.

that it is already destroyed, not broken.

But I can't help this.

Secondary school students had therefore not yet been able to accept reality.

“Maybe," he couldn't give up his pale hope.

From then on, I was apathetic anyway.

I can't motivate myself to study, and the people I didn't like originally were even more robbed.

The reason I started part-time was in that flow, I wanted to break up my relationship with my parents perfectly...... no, isn't that...

Maybe I just wanted to immerse myself in something and escape reality.

So I don't - I don't want to be in love, I don't want to be in love with anything, I don't want to be proud, I don't believe in anything.

And you won't even live in love the way they do.

- It's arrogant and futile to ask for things that are shapeless, feelings and hopes that are invisible...

That's what I call my heart, and I'm heading to work today.

Every day I have no goal and just make money to live.

I rowed pedals across my bike feeling void in those days.

"Today's test, I guess it was bad anyway...... I don't care."

Anyway, no one cares about the test.

I don't care how that turns out.

So this is solitary.

Nobody knows —— it's just bullshit.