Chapter 860: Press Conference
The last time I answered a question in English was the 15th of July, in a room under the Luzhniki, at about half 11 at night, 40 minutes after a World Cup final.
A man at the back in a coat that had not dried out asked me whether the corner was my call. The moderator had his hand on the microphone and I told him to leave it, and I answered it in English, and Nadia said coach against a wall and meant do not.
I have not stood in front of an English camera since, and every single thing that has happened to me has happened in front of one.
A homecoming in Rabat that took 5 hours to cover 11 kilometres.
A room with a king in it. 40 journalists at arrivals at Heathrow asking me whether I felt guilty. 4 and a half million people watching 8 episodes of a programme about my own life. A trophy at Wembley. A shield hitting me in the mouth in front of 11 million people.
And on Thursday, a man Manchester United have wanted for 2 summers.
[SEASON 2018/19. CRYSTAL PALACE. REPUTATION: CONTINENTAL.]
[HELD: FA CUP. CARABAO CUP. EUROPA LEAGUE. COMMUNITY SHIELD.]
[NEXT: UEFA SUPER CUP. REAL MADRID. TALLINN. 5 DAYS.]
It has said continental since the 24th of May. It said national for 11 months before that and it said regional the day I got the job, and I have never told a living soul that a word changes in my head when this club wins something.
Clk.
Sarah opened the door at 10 to 1 on Friday.
"How many?"
"61."
"You said 40 on Wednesday."
"On Wednesday it was 40." She had the list in her hand with red pen all over it.
"Then you signed a Croatian. There are 4 cameras, 2 from Italy, Croatian television have sent somebody, and there is a woman from a Sunday paper who has never covered a football match in her life and has written 3 pieces about your mother."
"Sarah."
"You have got 22 minutes and the first question will be about Russia and the second will be about England." She held that door open with her foot. "Do not answer the second one for longer than 30 seconds. Everything you say about England for the next 9 months is a headline."
Rrrr.
61 people and 4 cameras in a room built for 20, and an air conditioning unit losing.
It was about Russia and it was 10 words.
"Danny. You said ask you in a year. It has been 26 days."
Shutters stopped. Pens came up off the page.
A woman 4 rows in front of him in Moscow had got up without being called and asked me whether I regretted taking the job, and I told her I had a medal round my neck I could not look at yet and to ask me in a year.
He had gone away and counted the days and come back on the 26th of them.
"That is a good question and I am going to answer a bit of it."
"Which bit?"
"The bit I have got." I let that sit for about 2 seconds.
"I stood in a room in Moscow and put my own name on that 91st minute, and I have not moved off it since and I am not moving off it in Beckenham on a Friday, and if anybody came here for a retraction you can put your pen down.
"What I could not tell you on the 15th of July is whether it was worth it, because I was stood in a wet suit with a silver medal in my hand.
"I can tell you 1 part of it now. I have got 4 men in that dressing room who are better footballers than they were in June and 1 of them is 19 and won the Golden Ball at a World Cup.
"Ask me the rest in May."
Scratch. 61 people writing at the same time.
"Follow up. Would you go back?"
"Morocco have got a manager."
"If they asked."
"Morocco have got a manager." I put my forearms on that table. "He was in that dressing room with me for 6 weeks and he is better at that job than I was, and I am going to talk about Crystal Palace."
England came 4th. Everybody in that room knew it was coming and so did I.
A man from a broadsheet, about 50, notebook, no recorder.
"You knocked England out with a squad of players nobody in this country could name. Gary Neville said on television that the FA should be asked how a 29-year-old from Manchester ended up doing that for somebody else. Do you want to answer him?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because Gary Neville was not asking me. He was asking the FA, and it was a fair question, and it was about their processes." I had both hands flat. "I applied for an FA coaching job in 2015 and I did not get an interview. I have kept my mouth shut about it for 3 years and I am going to keep it shut today."
"You applied for an FA job."
"Under 15s. Regional. I did not get an interview."
The man from the broadsheet wrote that down and I watched the pen move, and I knew what was going on the front of the sport section on Sunday.
I said it anyway. He asked me a direct question and I gave him a true answer.
"Ivan Perišić. United have been trying to sign that player for 2 years and could not do it in 2 windows. How does Crystal Palace get him in 48 hours?"
"We rang him."
Somebody at the back made a noise. "That is not an answer."
"It is the whole answer and I am going to say it slowly so nobody writes that I dodged it." I sat forward. "Dougie Freedman rang Piero Ausilio on Tuesday afternoon and agreed a structure. I rang Ivan on Tuesday morning and talked to him for 22 minutes about the left hand side of a football pitch and about Christian Benteke’s head.
"I did not mention money. I did not mention his summer. He signed on Thursday at 14 minutes past 2.
"There are 2 telephone calls and a man who wanted to be told about football."
"And Manchester United?"
"Ask Manchester United."
Tk.
She was 4 rows back and she had not been in that room before, and she had a phone in her hand with the screen lit.
"The Navas send-off on Tuesday. 4 trophies on a table in a canteen, a photograph shared 2 million times, in a transfer window, 3 days after you won the Community Shield."
She turned the phone a few degrees towards me. "There is a Manchester City supporter with 400,000 views on a video calling it a PR stunt. Was it?"
61 people stopped writing.
"I have watched that video," I said.
"And?"
"And he is right about the thing he is actually angry about. His own club got it wrong in 2017 and nobody there has stood up and said so.
"He is wrong about the tables. Jesús asked for a canteen. He asked for it on Sunday morning, to 2 members of my staff, and 1 of those 2 has kept every private conversation she has ever had and she repeated that one to me because she had to plan for it."
I looked straight at her.
"We took 5 weeks to sign that man on a free transfer in 2017. I have got the email in a drawer."
Scratch.
"So it was for him or it was for you?"
"It was for him," I said. "And it was good for us. Both of those are facts and I am going to own the second one, because you have all got the photograph and you can all count."
She got 1 more.
"Your mouth."
"The shield has got a base on it."
"Did nobody tell you?"
"There are about 40 of us it has happened to since 1908," I said, "and every one of us has kept it to himself."
That is the only laugh I got in 22 minutes and it was the 1 answer I had not prepared.
The last one came 4 minutes over and Sarah let it run. She does that about twice a year and she has never told me the rule.
"Carabao Cup, FA Cup, Europa League, Community Shield. 4 trophies in 8 months, out of 5 finals, and the 1 you lost was a World Cup.
"Can you do it again?"
Emma asked me that on Monday morning at 10 to 6 with her feet under my leg and a bag of peas against my mouth, and she was not asking me for a press conference.
She was asking because we are getting married in June and she wanted to know what the next 10 months of her own life looked like.
I gave her a rubbish answer at 10 to 6 on Monday. I have had 5 days to do better.
"That is the wrong question."
"Is it?"
"You have just listed 4 cups and left out the only thing that actually happened to this football club last season." I did not move my hands off that desk. "We were 2nd. We were not champions of England. I have got a medal at home for that as well and I have not taken it out of the box.
"So no, I am not standing here worrying about whether I can win 4 cups again. I am telling you that 4 cups and 2nd is not the ceiling of this football club, it is the floor, and everybody in that building knows it and has known it since the 13th of May."
61 people were writing.
"You are saying you will win the league."
"I am saying I have got a squad that came 2nd with Jesús Navas at 32 on the right and a 16-year-old on the bench, and this year the 16-year-old is 17 in December and there is a Croatian on that left side who has played 400 matches.
"Print whatever you like out of that."
Sarah shut that door at 13 minutes past 1 and said 1 word to me in the corridor, and the word was "fine", and that is the highest mark I have ever had off her.
***
Thank you for 100 Golden Tickets.