Chapter 290: I Forced The Plan Through
Henry rose slowly from the bed.
Livia’s chest tightened. "Do not put this on him. I forced the plan through. Lionel wanted me hidden. He tried to take me out of Whitehall, and Theodora trapped him for it."
Henry turned from her slightly. "Fine," he said at last. "I will be ready for council shortly. Give us a moment."
Lionel bowed again and withdrew. The door closed behind him and Tabitha, leaving Henry and Livia alone with heavy silence.
Livia watched him from the bed. He stood near the hearth, shoulders tense, one hand braced on the mantel. "I can see how you would want to be mad," Livia began.
Henry lifted one finger which made her stop. "I knew what Whitehall wa... I always knew. I knew it had the power to corrupt, and not merely because my mother walks its halls."
Livia lowered her gaze.
"It was why I did not want to bring you here," he continued. "It was why I did not tell you who I was when we first met. I wanted to keep one place in my life untouched by this." He looked around the chamber, though he clearly meant far more than walls.
"I think I am beginning to understand that now," Livia said.
Henry turned to her then. The disappointment in his face hurt. "You are my light in my darkness, Livia. I am not angry because you fought. I am not even angry because you frightened me. I am disappointed because you are learning to survive Whitehall by using the tricks it taught you."
Livia pulled the covers from her body.
Henry moved instantly. "Do not."
She ignored him and swung her legs over the side of the bed.
"Livia."
"I am not made of smoke." She pushed herself upright. Henry stepped forward before she could fall, one arm going around her waist, the other taking her hand.
"It is fine," she said. "I am fine." Livia steadied herself, drew a careful breath, and stood as straight as her body allowed. She looked up at him. "I was tired, Henry. I defended myself the only way I knew how."
Henry’s hand tightened at her waist. "I know."
"No, I need you to understand. I did not drink it because I wished to die. I drank it because I wanted to live on my own terms, even if it was only long enough to make Theodora lose."
"I know," he said again. "I know, and that is the part that will haunt me. I wish I could have wrapped you away from all of it...I wish I could put you somewhere no hand could reach you. I wish I could keep you innocent and safe from the evil of this world."
She placed her hand on his arm. "Your Majesty," she said softly, "I have never been innocent or safe. I was not safe when Beaumont owned the doors I slept behind. I was not safe when you brought me here." She swallowed. "The difference is that this time, I chose to fight back."
Henry looked down at her hand on his arm. For a moment, he seemed unable to speak. Then he lifted his other hand and touched her face, his thumb brushing gently near her cheekbone. "You should never have needed to."
"But I did."
"Tell me the truth," Henry said.
Livia held his gaze. "Anything."
"Why are you finally accepting to marry me?" Henry asked.
She had thought they were past that particular edge. The wager had been won. She had imagined, foolishly perhaps, that after everything, acceptance would be enough. "We had a wager," Livia said.
Henry’s mouth curved faintly. "That is not it." He took a slow step closer, his eyes searching her face. "I know how stubborn you can be. If you did not want to accept defeat, you would simply deny the wager and argue until the saints grew tired of listening."
"I..." she began, then stopped.
"Tell me. Is it because you love me, or is it because the power protects you?"
Livia’s head snapped back to him. "I never said I love you."
She regretted them the moment they left her mouth.
Henry absorbed them with a sad little smile. "The power, then."
"I have always felt something for you," she said. "I just do not know if I can define it as love. Hell, I do not even know what love truly means. I claimed to love Richard. I believed it. But look at me now. I am standing here with you. Even after everything you have done," she said softly. "Even after everything you did to bring me here, to keep me here, to make me face what I did not want to face. I have not thought about Richard in a while. How does that count as love?"
Livia wished he would speak quickly. She wished he would do anything but stand there looking at her as though she had placed both hands around his heart and could not decide whether to hold it or return it.
"You love me," he said at last. "I have always known you do. You are too stubborn to see it. But I understand that to survive in my world, you need what I am. I am not going to shame you for wanting the power. If anyone deserves it, it is you. You have been at the mercy of power all your life. I cannot fault you for wanting power of your own."
"But I watched this place turn my mother into someone I barely recognise. Perhaps she was always that woman. Perhaps Whitehall merely gave her permission to stop pretending. I do not know anymore. I hope it does not do the same to you," he said.
Whitehall was changing her. She had known it before Henry said it. That did not make hearing it easier.
"And if it does?" she asked.
"I do not intend to trade one Theodora for another," he said quietly.
Then he stepped away.
For one terrible second, she thought he might say more. Explain it. Take it back. But Henry only looked at her with grief in his eyes.
Then he walked out of the chamber.
What had just happened? Had he called her a monster? No. No, that was not fair. He had not called her that. But he had looked at her and seen the possibility of one.
Livia looked towards the door. She would never become Theodora.
Never.
She would never order anyone killed because they stood between her and something she wanted. She had only fought back. She had done what she had to do.
Hadn’t she?