I'm still alive

Flames soar.

"Get the kid out of here!"

The man's voice pushes me out of the fire. Rising flames, hellish inferno. The malice of turning us into ashes burns everywhere and takes away even a handful of air. And the child you protected in that hell. I carefully accepted the child and blocked the flames and heat with my whole body.

And I grabbed my brother's body in a hurry and pulled him out. But he didn't budge because of the rubble. The burning hell pulls on your brother's body as if he were biting us with his mouth open. Leave one of them alone, I'll never let you go. The flames were saying so.

We don't have time. Neither did I nor my brother. I couldn't stand the despair and ended up yelling. And I struggled with all my might to get my brother out. But things didn't change like a set law.

The fear of death approaches. But he spoke as if it were too obvious.

'Go.'

I hugged the child. And the fireman's instincts raised me up. But as a human being, the walking that never fell prevented me. an ever-shaking view a frantic trembling hand I didn't want to, but I had to make a choice.

Trust me. Stay here and wait. Be sure to wait! I cried bitterly. Then the older brother smiled and nodded.

I can't come back. Perhaps this is the end. My brother and I knew each other so well. Nevertheless, I was making a promise without a promise. Who else do you trust if it's Dongyoon. The elder brother recited quietly. I turned back in a hurry, breathing out my tears.

I'm afraid of death. So I was so ashamed. Guilt swarms and despair clings to my feet. I began to drive forward through the flames. The tongue of a snake made of fire flutters from all directions.

It's collapsing. The world is beginning to collapse. Now I can only hear my rough breathing. And binge drinking! There's a throbbing sound coming from behind my ears. I instinctively embraced the child. The explosion pushes me away. I am pushed forward like ash.

Everything is scattered all over the place. No flames, no smoke. Every memory flashes before my eyes. And the older brother's face smiling like a lantern is ringing. I didn't do anything. The helplessness encroaches on my body and grabs my ankle.

The world is gone.

* * * * * *

Did you have a nightmare?’

When I opened my eyes, the old man was looking at me. I still grabbed my beating heart and closed my eyes tightly. Then he breathed out after a long breath as if he were exhaling the residue of nightmares that had been stuck overnight. I slowly raised my upper body looking at the old man. Sunlight was coming in through the warehouse door. The morning came.

'Let's eat rice cake soup.'

The old man smiled and said. Oh, rice cake soup. Time went on even though the end came. When I thought the sun was changing, I felt a bittersweet feeling in my mouth. I tried to wake up by washing my face dry with both hands. And came out of the tent carefully.

The weather was so nice. It was still cold, but the sun was warm and there was not a speck of cloud in sight. I squinted my eyes and stared blankly. What's wrong with you guys? The sun was looking at us, saying so.

The rooftop was quiet. When asked where Yong-pal and Du-sik had gone, the old man pointed to the stairs leading to the mart. And he passes by me with a smile that is so different from yesterday. The old man said in a cheerful voice.

'Everyone's waiting for rice cake soup.’

Did he wait for me? I’d better hurry up. I nodded gently and pursued the old man walking ahead. The heart, which used to beat like crazy, gradually begins to recover its stability. I wiped away the eye boogers and light tears from my eyes with my sleeves.

Then I took a big breath and started the day again.

* * * * * * *

When I came down the stairs and entered the mart, I smelled a delicious smell. Then he turned his eyes and looked at the prisoners sitting on one side of the mart. One who is sleeping, or one who looks at this side with his eyes open. There was nothing unusual. Still, he must have brought me a blanket so I wouldn't freeze to death in the middle of course.

Mr. Dongyoon!

I turned my head at the sound of calling me. There were Kang Su-ryeon and Chae-yeon beckoning me with a bright smile. The sight made me smile unconsciously. I nodded face-to-face and soon moved on.

The lounge was crowded with people. Everyone was whispering and preparing a meal with a small voice, and it felt cozy like a new year's scenery. And there was a big pot boiling in the middle of the lounge, and I walked slowly and opened the pot and there was rice cake soup boiling.

Where did you get the rice cake?’

When I asked her in question, Kang smiled and pointed to one side. There was a pile of yellow disposable containers. I think it's instant food, but it's a food that you eat like cup noodles by pouring warm water.

When it was put together and boiled in a pot, it looked pretty good. But she bowed her head and blushed, as if she was ashamed to cook in this way. I repeatedly praised her for not thinking I could eat tteokguk, and only then did she raise her face and laugh.

The meal was all ready when I came. Before we knew it, a large number of people sat in a circle with a pot in the middle to greet the New Year. Deliciously boiled rice cake soup was distributed with proper sugar in the bowl. And we closed our eyes quietly with the bowl in front.

thanks for the meal

The old man said quietly.

'Happy New Year.’

Happy New Year! We sang in chorus in a small voice. Then we started the meal, laughing and chatting. I also lifted the disposable bowl in front of me as the party began to eat. It contained warm and delicious rice cake soup.

Warm warmth passed through the dishes. It also smelled delicious. But I wasn't eating. I put down the bowl for a moment and looked up at the party.

New Year

It's a remnant of everyday life. Maybe the next year won't come. The man-made year was no wonder that tomorrow would end immediately. But the party forgot all of them and was enjoying this moment hard.

I turned my head and looked at Chae-yeon. Chae-yeon put her face in a bowl and was eating hard. It was so admirable to me that I managed to put food into my mouth even though I was using a poor spoon. The child looks smiling as I wipe his mouth.

And I began to see things I hadn't seen before.

Chae-yeon's face was dirty. I wiped it with a wet tissue, but that was also limited. And I don't even remember when Chae-yeon washed her hair. He was running his nose in the cold weather and his clothes were the same when he escaped from Seoul National University.

Chae-yeon was scratching her skin from time to time while eating rice cake soup. When I gently rolled up Chae-yeon's clothes, her skin was full of scratches.

Other parties were no different. Dirty face, greasy hair. I can't change. Smelly and dirty clothes. I had a runny nose and I could see some kids coughing.

Suddenly the room felt so cold. When I picked up the floor with my hands, a strong chill was creeping up. The cold weather chilled the whole body through blankets and clothes. The air was dry and it was not easy to ventilate in the cold weather.

I felt the limit.

I thought I did my best, but it wasn't the best. I wished I could stay alive, but I didn't notice that I was dying. If a person can't live like a human being, can it be said to be alive?

I'm glad I saved your life. It's not just for breathing.

Can I say that in front of a child?

I hope the child is happy. I hope to eat good food, sleep in a warm bed, and learn with children of my age without any worries. If I eat trash and sleep on it or lose my life, I hope my child can regain his daily life.

I slowly put the spoon down.

Tteokguk cooled down and my heart cooled down too.

I stared blankly at the party and waited for the meal to be over.

Over time, the rice cake soup that filled the pot disappeared. The party all finished eating and gathered up empty containers to start organizing. And I called them quietly as everything was about to be finished.

'I have something to say.’

Then the party looked at me in unison. And after their conversation, they started to sit down. The old man got up gently and went outside, perhaps to leave his seat.

The rest room, which was a little noisy, suddenly filled with silence. I made eye contact with the whole party in such silence.

And finally, he said, looking at Yongpal.

'Yong-pal, bring him in.’

* * * * * * *

Brother, I've got you.’

After a while, the lounge door opened again. And the dragon-arm scratched his back neck and put out his face, and soon a man whose hands were tied looked at us, hesitating. As I nodded quietly, the man and the dragon-pal came in stealthily.

I looked at the party and said,

'He's from another group of survivors.’

I could hear the sound of saliva swallowing from all over and over. Some looked at the man with a mixture of curiosity and some with fear. The man must have felt the gaze, so he lowered his head, and I looked at it and spoke slowly.

'......at first I thought it was a vagrant or a predatory group. However, I confirmed through Lee Yeon-kyung that it was not and I was offered to join her.’

When the name Lee Yeon-kyung came out, the group looked at her. Lee Yeon-kyung was suddenly looked at, but she nodded unawares. Then he began to give a rough account of the existence of Shelter and of the group Eden.

The party fell in love with her words, which were half-confident and yet well-explained. I waited for the word to end and when the whole story was over, I called the man kneeling in the middle. Then the man looked at me in surprise.

'Explain.

I didn't speak informally to him. And he didn't take a coercive attitude. Then the man's face began to brighten, and soon he rose slowly from his seat. And he asked me to take a brochure out of the bag he had taken away.

I accepted and let Yong-pal run errands to get me the brochure quickly.

The man said that facing the survivors would be as wary as we are. So our Search Joe has said he's hand-made manuals and brochures for it. The man moved his bound hand hard, opened the booklet and began to explain it to us.

Eden, a group of survivors, or a shelter.

Starting with a person called the head of a group, it accommodates more than a hundred people and has fortified the area itself." Eden, who takes turns democratically and does his best in his own place, did not forget to explain that it was the last bastion left by man.

Fortified Shelters, and sufficient defence personnel, abundant supplies and residential areas, and systematized departments and medical facilities. Finally, electricity supply using solar power facilities. As if to foretell this end, the shelter was perfectly equipped with human habitable conditions.

And the man began to show us the pictures one by one in the brochure for fear that we might not believe it. I also accepted it and looked at it slowly.

In the picture, they were all laughing.

They were posing with a bright smile, regardless of gender or gender, as if they were dreaming of an ideal. Everyone looked just like a dream in their daily life.

The man who finished the whole story stood still and looked at me with anxious eyes. I nodded silently looking at Yong-pal, and he slowly got up and took the man out of the door.

The lounge was once again filled with silence.

I couldn't make eye contact with the party. And, unable to contain his trembling heart, he let out a long sigh and put forward the iron can he had prepared. And last night, he said, handing out a bunch of paper from the tent.

'......I'd like to cast an anonymous. Don't take a hint.'

This was my best. I wanted to give the party a choice. Not my way, not my way, but their own choice.

I patted Chae-yeon's head and clasped her paper and pen in my hand. And I explained it quietly so that the child could understand it. Then Chae-yeon answered loudly, "Yes!" and laughed. Do you think he understood? I was worried.

I asked Kang Soo-ryeon to take care of the child and let him choose objectively. She bowed her head and nodded quietly. I left the iron can in front of me and took a steady step outside.

* * * * * *

The old man was looking at me as I stepped out the door. The old man sat next to me with a quiet smile when he saw my face on the verge of tears. Then he put the shotgun down on the floor and poked me around the waist and said,

Why are you crying?’

I couldn't answer. Just a lot of emotions crossed. The feeling of regret and injustice, and the relief that came from the thought of making the right choice, enveloped my body. I sat down and breathed a long sigh. And asked, looking at the old man.

'If I said I'd go, would you follow me?’

The old man crouched down and soon sank into his seat. And touched his chin and lips, he laughed bitterly.

'If my granddaughter asks me to go, I'll go.’

It will be so, too. I took my eyes off the old man and looked quietly inside the mart. Strangely, my eyes were sore and my stomach was stuffy. Feeling relieved and upset, I gently raised my hand and put it on my lap.

Then next to him the old man recited in a small voice.

'I'd rather follow you.'

I smiled unconsciously. Then the old man smiled and shouted, "I'm ashamed." And he pushed me away.

As time passed, the lounge door opened and there was news that the vote was over.

* * * * * * *

The inside of the lounge was still quiet. However, the group's expression was very dark. I looked at the group with my head down and swallowed a small saliva, and soon trudged into the middle of the lounge. Then grabbed the iron can where the tickets were gathered and said cautiously.

'Well, then......'

When I opened my mouth, all the party looked up at me. I tried to read their faces but I couldn't because I had mixed emotions. The party that was looking at me began to look at each other again and soon nodded.

I held the lid of the iron can with trembling hands. And slowly opened the barrel.

And then I turned my eyes to him.

The iron can was empty.

I hardened on the spot as if I had been struck by lightning. And I put my hand in the barrel, but there was no object that could be caught. I slowly raised my head to see what was going on, and at that moment something small flew in and hugged me.

It was Chae Yeon.

Chae-yeon rubbed her face in my arms, shedding tears as to what was so sad. I hugged Chae-yeon in surprise and looked at the group as if what was going on. Then the whole party was looking at me.

Kang Soo-ryeon carefully opened her mouth.

'I don't want to do this.'

'......yes?'

I looked at her with a face full of questions. Then she suddenly lowered her head and began to pour out a flood of gemlike tears.

'......did we bother you? Are you tired?

I felt as if I had been hit by a big stone in the back of my head. And I hugged Chae-yeon silently, rubbing her face in my arms. I stammered and spoke to her and her party as if to make an excuse.

'I just wanted to give you a choice.’

Then she shook her head vigorously. And said crying in a louder voice than before.

'......don't give me this kind of paper next time.'

Then he reached out and put the crumpled paper in the middle of the lounge. The group then placed the crumpled ballots in the center as if they had promised.

I saw something I didn't see today. And I saw something I didn't see now. I was reflected in the eyes of the party. The eyes that shone on me like a mirror were so clear and clean. I read faith and respect in those eyes.

Kang Soo-ryeon said quietly.

'I want a warm meal. And I want to take a warm bath and sleep in a safe and good bed.’

'......but I don't want it if it's not next to Dong-yoon.'