I'm still alive

It was so cool that I cried. The anxiety and heavy pressure all seemed to have escaped through tears. And when the tears stopped, why am I crying? It occurred to me that I was embarrassed. When the opposite sex began to return with shame, I only began to grasp the reality.

The old man also made a gesture to calm down, saying he would explain later if he noticed that I had regained my reason. As a man who believes in the elderly 100 percent, I quickly nodded and accepted, and soon breathed heavily.

The men in uniform approached me slowly, wary of me, perhaps just after the disturbance. He seemed to be trying to arrest me, but I took it for granted and bowed my head for now. Then he handed them apples and raised both hands to mean he would not resist.

But at that moment the radio that a man was holding began to ring noisily. The man received the radio in a hurry and soon began to grovel in front of the radio, flustered. The man turned his head, so I didn't hear the details, but I could feel that the atmosphere was starting to change.

The man who cut off the radio kicked his tongue briefly and soon glared at me with a mixture of complaints. It was as if I was looking at a parachute holding a strong bag, but I was very embarrassed because I didn't know what to say.

I repeatedly bowed my head, saying I was sorry, and the man sniffed and began to get out of here quickly with the other men. That's it? That's the mess. I looked at the man slowly moving away with a puzzled look.

After the men disappeared, a man in a neat suit came over the crowd and toward us. The man made a gesture to disperse toward the crowd watching us, and people quickly dispersed from their seats to see if they knew the man and began to do their jobs.

As the people all dispersed, the man in the suit came up to me and reached out his hand.

Are you Kwak Dong-yoon?’

I raised my hand and shook hands with a man in a daze. The man smiled softly and gently lifted up his silver-rimmed glasses. And said, looking alternately at us.

I'm glad you've finished your treatment. Let's talk first and I'll see you in two hours.’

The man who said so guided us to another hospital room. And he gave us all three of us to stay in the hospital room with the sound of telling us to rest. I was questioned and wary of the special treatment, but I kept my mouth shut for now, looking at the old man and Kang Soo-ryeon who remained still.

As I lay on the bed, Kang Soo-ryeon approached me carefully and held my hand tightly. And looked at me anxious and said,

'We're in Eden now. And Chae-yeon and the others are sleeping, so don't worry.'

Eden? Suddenly Eden? Why did you come and how did you come? I asked the old man, nervously biting my lips on the bed.

What happened? Why did you come to Eden?’

I certainly took his breath off the roof. And I don't remember what happened after that. The moment I looked up at the sky, the world became dark....... When I opened my eyes, it was a bed. No, maybe the occasional reminders of memories weren't dreams?

The old man spoke to me in a calm tone.

'You've lost your mind.’

I shut my mouth tight. This was not the first time I fainted. Everyone was surprised, but they didn't have to come to Eden. More detailed explanation was needed. When I stared at the old man, the old man suddenly shouted angrily.

'You didn't just pass out! I almost died!’

I was surprised. Die? Me? I couldn't believe it, so I stared blankly at Kang Soo-ryeon and she nodded quietly as if the old man was right. The old man next to me recited to me with a bitter taste, as if to recall those days.

'The fever went up like crazy. I've just been puking....... and talk nonsense. But no matter how much time passes, there was no sign of waking up.’

'There's no medicine and no doctors. What can we do? Fortunately, the search girl came to her senses, and she was telling me there was a doctor in Eden......... so, I just ran without thinking.’

The old man who said so raised his hand and pointed to my ear. My ear, half shot and half shot. The dirty bandage that had always been wrapped there had disappeared and changed into a clean new bandage. And the pain that seemed to be gnawing at hundreds of worms was gone.

said the old man.

'It's because of the wound.’

I bowed my head down. Then I gently raised my hand and touched the wound. In fact, I was vaguely expecting that the wound was getting worse. The growing pain and the leaking gin. And the nasty smell that emanated was showing signs of infection.

But I pretended I didn't care. No, I turned away even though I knew the truth. There's no medicine, and there's no way there's a doctor. And since one day I couldn't hear and I began to ignore the scream of my heart.

Like a blocked ear, my pain became numb.

Then came the voice of a strange man from the door.

Oh! Don't touch the wound!

I looked there reflexively. There was a man holding a chart who was wearing a really clean white doctor's robe. I flinched as soon as I found the doctor's fortune, but I was the only one among them to be wary of him.

The old man smiled brightly and rose slowly from his seat. Then, walking fast toward the doctor, he lowered his head hard.

Thank you very much. Thanks to you, Dong-yoon was very refreshed!’

And the old man turns his head and glares at me. Facing the eyes, I automatically lowered my head and the old man continued his grumbling, with nagging as if to listen to me.

'But he doesn't know what to do, and as soon as he wakes up, he hits people.….’

Then the doctor laughed out loud and shook his head. Then slowly grasping the old man with his head down, answered in a voice mingled with tenderness.

'No, it's our fault that we didn't explain it's our fault. And who knew Dong-yoon would wake up in a day? Don't worry, we misunderstood each other.’

The doctor who said so lowered his head once again, facing the old man and Kang Soo-ryeon. And he walked to me with a smile on his face. I scanned the walking doctor with great tension. Then I made eye contact with the doctor, and the doctor, who made eye contact with me, smiled and said again.

'Amazing, Mr. Dong-yoon.'

'What?'

I stared blankly at him in the face of a sudden compliments. Then he put the chart down on the bed for a while, wiped his hands on the doctor's luck, and reached out to me. You want a handshake? I reached out my hand in a daze and shook hands with him.

'My name is Kim Chul. As you can see, he's a doctor.’

'......Oh, yes.'

I scratched my head and nodded. Shaking hands with me, he shook hands violently and shook hands with great force. Then he lifted the chart again and began to write something down with a ballpoint pen. Throughout the movement of the ballpoint pen he murmured incessantly.

Is it possible to do that with a body like this is it possible? You must still be very sick....... Are you a martial artist?’

Martial arts? All I got in the army is my shortcoming. Didn't you see the dog fight I was doing earlier? I felt ashamed for no reason and quickly avoided looking. When I avoid looking, the doctor grinned, spitting out a little admiration for whether I misunderstood my behavior.

Then he begins to shake his head, covering his lips with his index finger. It's like a secret, right? You seem to have misunderstood. I didn't mean to explain.

Since then, the doctor has been silent. That didn't mean he was leaving his seat. The doctor looked at the chart and me, showing signs of agonizing over something, and I glanced at him, feeling uneasy for no reason. Then the doctor said in a rather serious voice.

'......you know it was so relaxing, right?’

Of course I know. It's all the more realistic now that I'm down. So I bowed my head without saying a word. When I lowered my head, Kang suddenly burst into anger and poured out all the worries and resentment he had accumulated.

Do you know how surprised Chae-yeon was? I cried half a day and fell asleep......... what? Why didn't you tell me? I'm sick, I'm tired! You should have told me! I'm sorry, I'm sorry.….’

She was beset with resentment against me and guilt that she was indifferent. Then they begin to shed tears of deep regret. The doctor, who was looking at the figure, looked at me senselessly and whistled unnoticed.

I was not able to do this or that, and the old man next to me muttered in a bitter voice, tapping his chest. But the old man had a light smile and it was obvious he was teasing me.

"I'm old, so I'm a fooling around..... Oh, my...You should die when you get old. You shouldn't have bothered Dong-yoon.….’

These people are ready to die because I'm sorry. I had a strange situation where I was sick and had to apologize to others. I soothed Kang Soo-ryeon who burst into tears and stared at the old man who was still teasing me. The old man swung his head and whistled as if nothing had happened.

With my long efforts, Kang stopped crying, but the doctor said, looking straight at me, as if he had not yet left and had more to say.

I removed the freaky skin tissue. High fever and other symptoms are bacterial infections. So change the bandages often and take your medicine regularly.’

I nodded eagerly. Once I was sick, I realized how precious being a doctor is. And when I saw him staying until the end and taking care of my symptoms and health, I felt like my doubts were gradually fading away.

The doctor who said so laughs at me nodding his head. Then he turned and began to walk to the door where he had come. Do you think we'really? I was about to say good-bye, and the doctor suddenly exclaimed, "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

He hesitated for a long time. But he looked back at me with a dark face and murmured quietly as if he had to tell me.

Dong-yoon, do you know PTSD?’

I groped my memory with my eyes closed. And looking at him, he nodded quietly. PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder. At first, I didn't know the existence either, but I remembered looking for it when I saw my firefighters suffering mental pain.

But why? I looked at the doctor with questioning eyes. Then the doctor sighed deeply and pointed at me and said,

Dong-yoon also has PTSD symptoms. No, almost certainly.’

PTSD? Me? I've never thought of that. I'm just a little tired and exhausted. Yeah, there were times when I couldn't sleep, and I had the same nightmares every day, but......... but not to the point of PTSD. I shook my head with a ridiculous face, but the way people around me looked at me was unusual. When I look at Kang Soo-ryeon with my face, she holds my hand without saying anything.

'......just a little tired.’

When I tried to deny it, the doctor touched his chin with a bitter face. And came slowly to me and refuted my answer in a quiet voice.

'You know it yourself.

For a moment the horse became a dagger and stabbed me in the chest. And I unconsciously bit my lips and lowered my head. In fact, that was the case with the same situation just now. That's how much... .... .You didn't have to be so excited. But my trauma justified and took away the reason.

It was as if it wasn't me. I was aggressive and like a beast, as if I were a ghost. I certainly didn't think rationally. Like a man chased by something, like a man who doesn't want to go through such a thing again, I struggled desperately.

The doctor told me.

Dongyoon, we have a lot of PTSD patients in Eden. The world is Lee Ji-kyung, so would people who lived in daily life easily adapt? So don't blame yourself too much. It's not Dong-yoon's fault.'

The doctor who said so breathed a deep sigh. Perhaps he was thinking about PTSD patients he said to himself, but I couldn't say anything after seeing them. The doctor soon tapped me on the shoulder and recited quietly.

If you have time later, make sure to come and consult. I'll see you next time.’

It was a short greeting. But I could read a warm heart in it. We stared blankly at the doctor leaving and sat silent for a long time. Has it been a while, I murmured, silently looking at my hand.

'It's only been a month, and it feels very old. The hospital...….’

The old man and Kang Su-ryeon nodded their heads and sent me a small consent to my words. That someone diagnoses and recognizes my illness. Something was a strange tickling stimulus to the chest. I coughed for nothing and tried to open my mouth to change the mood. But at that moment the door opened and someone came in.

The head of the group wants to join us for dinner. Is it possible?'

The man who opened the door and came in was the man who guided us all the way here. He glanced at us quietly with his glasses glued up. Upon hearing the proposal, I turned my head and asked for permission from Kang Soo-ryeon and the old man, and soon all nodded and accepted the offer.

The head of a group would be the one leading Eden.

I was curious. What do you want to see someone who is relatively higher than me? And the special treatment that was given to us amplified my question. However, no matter how much I thought about it, I couldn't find the answer.

That's why I decided to make a head-on breakthrough without hesitation.

But there was work to be done before that. I slowly rose from my seat and asked, looking at the man standing at the door.

May I see the rest of the party?’

The man smiled faintly and nodded gladly.