I'm still alive

I stayed up all night reading and reading my diary. From the beginning to the present, the memories and pains that I have experienced so far have been implied in my diary and passed by in a flash. Letters dance in front of my eyes, and sticky anguish haunts my mind. Even at the moment I read the diary, I sighed slowly, thinking only one thing.

They had to come up with countermeasures. I have to set the direction for us to move forward. The pressure weighed on my shoulder, and made the living moment painful. a vague feeling after a long time I feel for this moment that the heart that planted the steel is worn out. And when I took my eyes off the diary and raised my head, the early dawn hung between the windows. Quietly, the sound of the group sleeping tickles my ears.

Time passed honestly, even though the brain was feeling the agony of melting away. And the grey city, which remained steadfast, brought breakfast without fail. I woke up on the sofa looking at the tingling dawn for a while, not even thinking of falling asleep. I feel stuffy inside. I need to get myself together by taking a breath of cold morning air. I crept out of the quarters, still sneaking away from the party still in the dreamland, and soon began to walk down the hallways.

Thud thud thud thud thud thud thud.

The gait of a humble man rings in my ear. As I walked down the corridor, the guards who were on watch all night bowed their heads and greeted me in the morning. I shared my eyes with all of them who were suffering, and felt the bond of Eden's survivors as Sinabro. And when I walked out of the long hallway and opened the door, I could smell a light cigarette. I inadvertently turned my eyes to the smelly direction, where I could find an old man smoking.

He is an old man who gave up smoking. However, he took out a cigarette that he quit last night and was lost in quiet contemplation. I pushed the door with a deep sigh, and the low-pitched old man was called in head-on against the cold wind that was blowing. Then the old man glances at me with tired eyes. And he spoke in that peculiar insensitive voice.

'Can't you sleep?'

I nodded with a bitter smile. There was no way I could fall asleep. The assumption that the government has abandoned us has become true, and we have not even been convinced that we can be protected as citizens. And even if we escaped here on our own, it was unlikely that the government would welcome us with open hands.

Because this gray city was a stain they left behind, a deadly truth that must never be hidden. This feeling of drifting over the vast ocean, there was no harbor for me, and the destination was blurred.

Can I have one?’

I reached out my hand to the old man and asked for a cigarette that didn't smoke. Then the old man, who was shedding me with disapproving eyes, grumbled and nagged for a while. But when he asked why I couldn't, the old man had no choice but to hand over the cigarette.

I had a cigarette in my mouth for the first time in my life. And breathe in, igniting the tip of the cigarette in a dull, burning flame. Cigarette smoke dissipates like a breath of air. The acrid smoke flows through my throat. Then the aftermath came quickly and caused a cough.

Coughing.

When I cough out a rough cough, the old man kicks his tongue and takes away my cigarette.

'Why does the first one swallow the smoke?'

A rough cough bursts and tears pool around your eyes. I whipped away the still lingering smell of cigarettes, wiping away the tears from my sleeves. It's really spicy and acrid. But I could understand why the old man was smoking this with that face.

The smoke as dirty as our reality could not help it. The old man rubbed the cigarette I had bit into the ashtray, and looked at the morning sun that began to rise.

'Thirty minutes ago, Park Dae-bak, got a radio from this guy. They said they won't leave until this morning because they have so much to pack and organize. It'll probably be here by lunch.’

Yeah, I was so busy that I forgot for a while. Jin-soon, who used to live a strong life wearing a pink fur hat, and Kang Yu-mi, who had given it to others even in this situation, felt bitter and another thought struck me when I thought that all of the survivors would not know that they had been abandoned by the government.

How should I explain it to people? And will the people who hear this be able to stay sober? But I tried hard to shake my head roughly to get rid of those ideas.

Let's do the first thing. The driving force behind my life, which had been worrying about the invisible future, was in this sentence. I can only see my arms and legs in the fog where I can't even see Hanji. Seeing that my feet are stepping on the floor, I can see myself advancing.

In my position... ...Let's do our best in the time I'm alive. I got my mind together again, looking at the rising sun.

'I'm going to get going. Take a little rest.’

This is the old man who came out of the accommodation first. I'm sure you stayed up all night and came out because you couldn't sleep like me. However, given the age and physical condition of the elderly, sufficient rest, both physically and mentally, was essential.

An old man who always seems to keep my side firmly. Last time I sent the two to the Han River, I could see. The lighter the old man's gray hair, the stronger the pillar will fall like a sand castle. I left the front door with a gesture of never following me. But soon after, the old man's words catch my ankle.

'Before you go, I hear you on the training side. I heard you were conscious this morning.’

I stopped walking and shook my hands. And I looked at the old man with a face, and I couldn't hide my happy smile from my mouth. It was her whom I thought I could meet soon. But as if to worry me, the hospital did not allow me to visit her easily, and it was not until this morning that I could meet her.

'It looks like they're going to rush when they wake up, so hurry up and go before breakfast.’

Among the party, Kang was like a big mother in charge of the family. Her affectionate and emotional personality dominated the popularity of her children, and she became a support and sanctuary for many of her companions.

Perhaps if the party hears that she's awake, the hospital will turn wild for a while. The old man was the first to know it, and he gave me a chance to be with him for an hour or two.

'Do you like it?'

The old man teased me with a meaningful smile. Normally, I would have snorted and responded lightly, but for now, the old man who cared for me was so grateful that I couldn't. A smile that leaks out of my mouth, I keep thinking of her face. I nodded and said yes without hesitation, and hurried to the hospital when the old man told me to go soon.

Although the head of a group with a lot of work to do, there was a priority for now.

* * *

A passing coincidence created a connection, and numerous adversity created a necessity. For me, she has become an inseparable person. A fence in my mind that no one would come in. I hated the world, wary of the world, but from some point on, countless people came in and began to fill my heart. And Kang Soo-ryeon, who overcame the dirty reality and pain for the first time, felt her seat was especially wide.

The morning hospital was a quiet lake with no noise. I asked people who ran across such hospital corridors for her location, and soon I could find Kang's private hospital room in the quietest place. I grabbed the patient's doorknob and grabbed the heart beating with excitement. Then, with a refreshed breath, he puts all his emotions in his arms and turns the doorknob around.

Ah.

Today was a clear day without a speck of clouds. The medical staff wanted to show Kang Soo-ryeon the warmth that had come after a long time, so they cleared all the thick curtains and left. And Kang Su-ryeon, she was staring blankly out between the sun-made curtains instead of cloth. I stopped as I opened the door and watched the living Kang Soo-ryeon slowly. The steel planted in the heart melted away little by little, and the painful memory of the water restaurant flows along the iron.

'Mr. Training.'

Tried to open the tight throat, I called her.

Yeah, I've probably been through that rough swamp for this moment. My trembling voice crossed the middle of the still room, and soon made her head turn this way. The hair that had been cut at Seoul National University was very long. And while his face had become much emaciated, his always single face was like the sun still floating in the sky. She looked this way in surprise, and her eyes were round, and tears slowly fell through the big eyes.

Tears fall, fall, and fall endlessly. I began to understand why the medical staff stopped visiting for a while. She wept with tears that she didn't know how to hold it in. The tears contained sorrow, sorrow, and heart-rending longing.

I walked slowly towards her, and Kang Su-ryeon stretched out her hands like a child. At that moment my feet began to move instinctively and run. To hold that trembling both hands, and to hold her in her arms.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The tears kept coming out.….’

As soon as she met me, she repeatedly apologized for not liking her crying. But I read a lot of meaning to the tears that kept dripping than a hundred words. There was no longer a need for long words. The hardships and hardships were familiar, and now even these reunions seem so familiar. That's why I didn't want to talk now. I just wanted to read each other's body temperature and thoughts and reflect on the sweet fruits of our relationship.

Thank you for saving the children. Thank you for living on your own. I was full of gratitude to her from beginning to end. I hugged her as if I would never let go, and she also hugged my neck and gave me strength. And we feel the inevitable relationship like Adam and Eve, whom we met in the beginning. And we confirmed the indispensable affection of each other with a small kiss.

If Chae-yeon made me move,

It was only she who stopped it.

* * *

'I'm dying of joy.’

An old man who was looking at the documents in the front seat is nagging at me, looking at my laughter and humming. But I started to work hard on what I had to do today, whether I did or not. Of course, it was unfamiliar and full of difficulties at first, but with silver-rimmed glasses that confirmed the handover, and surprisingly, with the help of an old man who was good at these things, I was able to work easily now.

When she decided to treat her home and returned to her quarters, the first thing that changed was the atmosphere. Although she couldn't get around as busy as she used to be because she had to take care of her health for a while, Kang Su-ryeon was a person who had a good influence on her party just by keeping her position.

The children, who were feeling unknowingly anxious, quickly recovered their laughter, and the party, which had maintained a tense atmosphere, gradually became dull and was searching for its former self. All the cogs seemed to fit the country into existence. Although there was a huge difficulty ahead of me, I incessantly burned my heart, fuelling the great sense of duty to be responsible. I have a firm commitment to move forward.

I folded the paper over the last document. He has collected all the data left by the head of the group and testimony from people in the early days of Eden. And we began to come up with measures on what to do in the future, putting the situation we are in in into order one by one.

If you stop, you will die. I had to move forward, even if I was struggling. I mentioned what I asked the old man to do for lunch earlier, who was the first to be busy looking at the documents. Then the old man handed me a document as if he had waited.

'You know, it's wired and wireless and it's been out of service for a long time. Probably smashed all the internal base stations, or used their hands outside. According to the station's woman, the outside situation is never quiet, especially journalists are careful with their throats.….’

The old man blurted the end of his words and made a gentle hand-drawn gesture of his neck. Seeing the gesture, I nodded quietly, and soon asked the whereabouts of the thought of the object.

What about the satellite phone she had?’

The old man answered as if he had waited.

'It was broken, so I took it to the furbo. Well, you know what Teolbo's gonna say, right? I think we can try it. I just came because I can say it like this. But you're not going to try it on, are you?

Of course not. Who are you taking the satellite phone for? 119? 112? I didn't think there would be anyone outside to help us at a time when the government abandoned us and declared martial law to exercise deterrence. The international situation, justice, which has become more chaotic than the Republic of Korea, has withered in meaning, and the power itself will overcome ethics. And we stood in the middle of the waves.

'You've recovered all the mutated bodies, right?’

'We brought all the guys we killed.’

It's been a while since the people at the institute were busy.’

I got up from my seat, loosening my grip on the fist, and the old man and I moaned and walked forward to the large map drawn by me, slowly reaching out. The containment area that the woman said, and our last paradise that exists in the middle of it, Eden. I put my finger on it.

There should be no more blood and tears. This is where the abandoned survivors will rally.