Chapter 382: For Fuck’s Sake!
Hawk looks at Maeve and sighs slowly, as if trying to expel his disorientation with the breath itself.
"I honestly don’t know. But why did you tell me I’m not in the past anymore? You... saw mine?" He asks carefully.
It’s Maeve’s turn to sigh.
"I was trying to help you. We thought you’d been hit by corruption magic." She briefly explains the storm’s aftereffects.
"And somehow, I ended up in your past." She adds.
Hawk says nothing as he listens. Then he asks, "You didn’t see me there?"
Maeve frowns. "You mean the younger version, Little Ro, or the current you?"
"The current me."
She shakes her head. "No. Just Little Ro."
Hawk blinks. He doesn’t know what to feel. Part of him is embarrassed, uncomfortable that a stranger, essentially, saw his childhood laid bare. But another part of him wants exactly that. To be seen. To be heard. To be understood. To be forgiven.
He exhales shakily.
"What..." He pauses, unsure how to continue.
He’s still searching for the words when Liam walks into the living room, Theo trailing behind him.
"Hey, we’re here to take over the shift. Good to see you’re awake, Hawk." Liam says, not realizing he’s interrupted anything.
Hawk jerks like he’s been slapped. He swallows hard and takes a breath.
Theo notices, but says nothing.
Hawk clears his throat.
"Yes, I’m awake. Thank you both for your help. I’m ashamed I had a breakdown and forced you to deal with it."
"Nah, forget it. Not like you were asking for it." Liam waves him off and drops into a nearby chair, settling in.
Hawk smiles, purely out of politeness.
"How are you feeling, Hawk?" Theo asks.
Hawk looks at him and freezes.
He sees Lunia.
He blinks, hard, several times, trying to reset whatever’s happening in his head. But Theo’s face stays Lunia’s.
"What’s wrong, Hawk?" Maeve asks, frowning, catching the confusion on his face.
Hawk doesn’t answer. He just stares at Theo, fixated, unmoving. Liam is on his feet instantly, stepping between them.
"Whoa, Hawk. Easy." He presses a palm flat against Hawk’s chest.
"You are dead." Hawk whispers, straining to see Theo behind Liam.
Liam doesn’t move. He tries to keep himself between them, blocking Hawk’s line of sight, which only makes Hawk shuffle sideways, over and over, trying to get a clear look.
For a few seconds it turns into something almost absurd, Hawk stepping one way, Liam matching him, both of them locked into the same clumsy back-and-forth, until Theo finally stops Liam from moving at all.
He’s about to step out from behind him, but Liam tries to stop that too.
"Thea..." He starts, then pauses when Theo shakes his head.
"It’s okay." Theo says.
Liam sighs and lets him through, though his eyes stay locked on Hawk the entire time.
Theo steps into view. The moment Hawk sees him again, his face twists, shock and something close to happiness colliding at once.
He swallows. "You’re dead."
"Hawk, I’m Thea. Not... whoever it is you think I am." Theo says gently.
Hawk lets out a faint scoff. "My brain knows that. Lunia didn’t have white hair like you. But your face, it’s her face. Which makes absolutely no sense. She was nine. You’re sixteen. None of this makes sense! But your face, I’m seeing her face, on yours. Replacing yours!" He rambles faster and faster.
Then he turns away. "I’m crazy. I’m crazy. I’m crazy."
He turns back to look at Theo again, sees the same face, and starts laughing at himself. "It’s still hers! Your face isn’t your face! It’s still hers!" Hawk hovers somewhere between laughing and crying now.
Theo is quiet for a moment before responding.
"You see Lunia’s face? Can you tell me who she is?" He asks softly.
Hawk blinks several times, trying to hold back tears that have suddenly welled up, threatening to spill.
"Lunia is..." He pauses a second. Then corrects himself. "...was."
He clears his throat and tries again.
"Lunia was a nine-year-old girl who used to follow me everywhere at the military compound where I was a soldier." He says it flatly. He looks at Theo, then the others, checking their reactions.
To his surprise, there’s nothing there to read.
They’re just listening.
"And she died because of me." He adds slowly, still watching them closely, his tone half daring them to say something.
Theo notices and tilts his head slightly. "What are you looking for, Hawk? What do you want from us?"
Hawk’s attention snaps back to him, and he winces. Lunia’s face is still there, overlaid on Theo’s.
"Blame." He whispers.
"You want us... me... you want me to blame you?" Theo reshapes the question mid-sentence, catching himself deliberately. He has a suspicion Hawk is going through something he himself already knows too well, confronting his own fear head-on. If he’s right, Hawk needs to get this out of his system completely. He needs to face it and accept it, not just survive it.
"No! I... yes, but I..." Hawk stops, clearly doesn’t really know what he wants.
He laughs, "I guess I don’t know what I want." He whispers and continues to laugh at himself.
Theo sighs slowly.
Everyone in the room stays silent. None of them know what to do, and all of them are waiting for Theo to.
"I’m sorry, Hawk. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I’m sure you already know why this is happening." Theo says.
"And you know I’m not her. That’s the most important thing. That’s a fact. Hold onto that like it’s your lifeline."
"Hold the facts, Hawk. Fact one, you’re not crazy. This is happening because it’s an aftereffect of corruption magic." He watches Hawk nod, enthusiastic, almost desperate.
"Yes, yes, yes. I know. Ms. Collins told me." Hawk keeps nodding, like the motion itself might help him hold together.
"Good. Fact two. I’m not her." Theo continues, slow and deliberate.
Hawk only nods, saying nothing.
"I wish... I wish I knew how to deal with this. Whatever this is." He admits, frustration bleeding into his voice.
"I wish I could tell you what to do, Hawk. But unfortunately, I can’t. I’m not her. But maybe, since you’re seeing her face on me, maybe you can use this to say the things you never got the chance to say back then." He suggests.
Hawk jerks back, taking a step away.
"Say... to you?" He speaks each word slowly, processing, deliberating.
"Say to... you?" He repeats it again.
"I... I... I don’t... I... you..." He stops again. He exhales shakily and drags a hand through his hair.
Laughs again.
"You know what? This is ridiculous. I, I don’t think I can do this right now." He looks around and grabs his things.
"Hawk—" Theo calls, but a ringtone blasts through, cutting him off, breaking whatever was building in the room.
Hawk grabs his phone. It’s his.
"Oh, wow. Look at that." He turns the screen so they can see. E. BARTLETT.
"My leader’s looking for me." He pulls on his coat. "I have to take this." And before anyone can say anything, he answers.
"Yes, hello, Bartlett. I’m heading back right now."
He hangs up without giving Ethan a chance to respond. He scans the room. "I have to go."
"Hawk." Theo calls. "You still haven’t gotten your answer, about strengthening your magic." He adds quickly.
Hawk scoffs. "Next time, Lun... Thea. Next time, Thea. Next time. I really have to go now."
A notification chimes on his phone. He glances at the screen.
He looks back up. "They really need me. The Baroness found a dungeon for us to clear. They need me."
He opens the door and leaves in a hurry, leaving all of Rhaenas stunned behind him.
The Baroness?
They all exchange glances.
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"You’re not joking with me?" Hawk on the phone, running toward the road as he exits the Monfort estate.
"No, Hawk. I’m not kidding. She secured a dungeon for us." Ethan says on the other end.
"What level?" Hawk stops and tries to flag down a taxi, which isn’t easy, the area is far too prestigious for many to be driving through.
"An eight." Ethan says, frustration and irritation both bleeding into his voice.
"What the actual fuck?" Hawk snaps.
"Is she insane?" He barks into the phone.
"I know, Hawk. Believe me, I know. But we can’t stop her. No one can."
"Fuck this." Hawk climbs into a taxi and slams the door shut.
The driver turns to ask for a destination, but stops the moment he sees the look on Hawk’s face.
"Listen, that’s not the only reason I called." Ethan says.
"Ugh." Hawk groans. "Just hit me with it."
"We’re actually on our way to the dungeon already. The Baroness wants it cleared tonight. She’s on site, waiting."
"For fuck’s sake!" Hawk vents the only way he can right now.
"So where are you? We’ll come get you." Ethan says.
Hawk and Ethan work out a rendezvous point.