I threw up again early when I woke up because of a nightmare I had in my previous life. Besides, I even remember being blurred because of it, and I was in worse shape than yesterday.
Oh, if I recall, I am unnaturally in this world. Even though I touched my brother through His Highness, I did not try to remember him deeply. I used the word "past life" and I was aware that I had died, but I had forgotten the moment of my death. He was moved to become a civilian without even knowing why he wanted to become a blackmailer at some point.
My health is inconceivable. But I can't take a break from work. It's nothing. It's not a disease or injury. It's a matter of heart.
Re-employment of civilians is very difficult in this world. First of all, you can assume that it will not be possible to find a job near here at the point of your fault. Even if he excuses himself for being sick, he thinks he's sick and weak, and that only makes him disadvantaged.
When it comes to it, rather far from home and working only for a short amount of time, beyond the limited means of transportation… are salaries paid to civilians who can work such a short amount of time and live without a track record of work or special recommendations? Rejected in that. Even if we abandon the house and leave, it can't be less than two months since we started working to save enough money to rent a new house. I'm not even willing to go to New Heaven and Earth thinking foolishly about getting a convenient living job.
In the first place, I don't have a phone in the world, so I need to go to work once to contact you for the rest of the day.
Apply a thin, unnatural cheek-red on the face that is whitening rather than blue. Even civilians occasionally use it to deceive them and leave the house.
The town is still soothing today and makes me look ridiculous as to why I suffer on my own.
When I died, I couldn't stop thinking that it was over, and remembered that I was still alive to destroy the past. I felt positive there in my dreams.
… When things settle down and you think it's all over, you want to find a dream other than being a civilian.
"Good morning!
I arrive at the store and see Mr. Michelle's face and say hello with a smile. It was easy for me to hide through the extent to which I was not feeling well, having acted on a daily basis.
It should be, but for some reason, Mr. Michelle distorted a hard smile the moment she saw my face and looked worried as soon as she did.
"Fee, aren't you feeling well...?
I didn't know what to do to Michelle, who approached me to care and peered into my face to see if I was okay.
I can't even make a fool of myself. 'Cause I thought you'd never find out.
I wonder why he found out. I know where I can naturally disguise my complexion by putting a light red on it. I don't even think I had a problem with my voice or expression.
"I'm sure it would help if Phee were here, but I'm trying to get you to work well ahead of me. You can be enthusiastic about your work, but come after you get some rest and get better. Like?"
Mr. Michelle is sure and pushes his back to force me home confused.
I turned myself around and grabbed that arm desperately. I look into Mr. Michelle's eyes with tear-seeping eyes.
"... how did you know?
I have to make sure. If there was a flaw in me, I had to fix it.
Michelle replied as though she looked strange to me.
"Well, I'd know if a kid like my daughter wasn't feeling well. That's what it is. Look, just go straight home, keep warm and go to sleep."
Forced out of the store, I couldn't follow Mr. Michelle's words and stood still on the spot for a while.
Then how long has it been, I finally flutter out on the road to my house.
I don't know, 'cause it looks like we should go home today. I don't know what Michelle said.
My head doesn't work well. Sure, not today anymore. Tomorrow. Let's start tomorrow. I am too weak today.
A short distance from the house, I saw a carriage coming from the front of the diagonal and rarely in the morning through the surrounding town. Somehow when I look at it, I stop to realize that the carriage is something I'm used to seeing.
Eventually, the carriage that came right next to me stopped.
The silver hair of the person who came down shined slightly in the sun, and I narrowed my eyes.
"... you don't look well."
Nica, who hasn't seen her face in two weeks, looked at me before she said hello and said so. I noticed that I was retreating one step later as if I were running away.
Nica was convinced that she was coming as a watchman, and she was rather reassured that her purpose was clear. Why have you deliberately acted in such suspicious ways? I can't afford it.
But, because... why do you even notice Nica?
Thoughts are scattered.
"Let's give you a ride home. You didn't want to ride in the carriage. Give me your hand."
I don't want to ride in a carriage. What did I ever say? The carriage had an accident chew event with Nica, and I thought I had made her change her destination somewhere before...?
While I was wondering, Nica walked forward with a force that was neither strong nor weak enough to quickly hold hands and reduce my burden.
Gentleman, I didn't expect you to hold a woman's hand, even though the honest Nica was worried about her illness. Well, maybe I'm not a woman count. Even though I have dissolved my engagement with His Highness, it would be difficult to flag him if he were under surveillance.
For a while, we walked silently with each other without any conversation.
I think Nica probably didn't care about me and talk to me so that I didn't have to speak up. I was just in the mood to watch that silver hair shine in silence and dazzle by the sun.
Because this self-satisfaction will end if we talk about it.
By the time I got home, my nausea had almost disappeared.
Nica, who had seen me to the point of entering the delivery futon, tried to leave the house just like a gentleman.
I grabbed Nica-sama's trouser hem with agitation and let go of my hand as a hack.
They might not notice because it was a moment, like they didn't notice...! My wish was vain, and Nica looked back at me with an obviously noticeable and astonished face that opened her eyes, then wandered her gaze like she was lost and then lowered her back to the spot.
Silence.
No matter how I thought about it, I should have said something.
You've been acting so softly to keep your distance all day, and now my behavior is too weird. I should explain.
I know exactly why, so I should explain...
I open my heavy mouth.
"... I've always been jealous of Seth."
"... Seth?
Nica raises a single eyebrow. That would be so. Anyone wonders why I'm talking about His Highness at this time.
"Excellent, but not prestigious, not overlooking, and not doing terrible things, I have a kind brother, and that's the obvious thing about Seth, and she was jealous..."
It was still when some of my memories of my previous life were blurred, but I can be sure now that I recall that I had subconscious envy and jealousy.
Don't even know how much I wanted a brother like that, it was tight inside for me to always be shown off in front of me for granted. I never thought of it when I was playing the game, the bond and love of my brothers I saw because it was real.
Better than my brother, of course, but I hate it when a man of similar temperament to my brother has something I wanted and didn't do.
"Me too, I wanted…"
It's a stupid wish. My brother can't choose. Common sense of course. Nonsense bullshit.
After taking the status quo, we should live trying to make it better. That's why I wanted to overcome my trauma, to win my destiny, and I decided to become a civilian. Even if I didn't remember, that's why I was obsessed with civilians.
Imagine and sweeten a man's brother, like his own, and then I will change nothing.
"Even if there's no blood connection, fine. I also... think of Fee as my sister. So you can't?
I smiled at Nica for giving me the words I wanted to spoil.
... I like this guy. Even if you leave it out because it's the ideal brother figure or something. Lady Nica is always nice to me and looks at me often. That's why
"No, you can't. Nica is Nica, and my brother... yes, no."
My brother is alone, traumatized, too big… I still struggle to erase his shadow.
Master Nika is not my brother. My brother is enough on his own.
"... Fee thinks fate will change?
Suddenly the conversation changed. Lady Nica looks down at me lying in a lost face. No, I thought the conversation had changed, but from Nica's point of view, it might have been a connected question.
If I were normal, would I have been inspired by religion? Or is that a shitty oral complaint? And while I seemed to tear it up, I would have misled it by politely saying exemplary answers without difficulty.
But I was sick and weak now, and my mouth slipped when I looked at Nica, who looked serious and difficult.
"I'll change it."
I can't believe I can't turn it against you anymore. Without resisting the mighty power, obeying, crying and regretting - I can't believe I'm dying.
I hate the word fate, but I change it because I don't like it.
This story called Lady Rose of the Redemption. Scenario. Destiny.
"... well, that sounds like you."
Nica laughed as if she had blown out even the dark clouds of her heart. I'm not sure either, but I laughed back.
Only today. Only today is weak.
I held Nica's hand and closed my eyes. I don't think I need to have nightmares.
Let's try again tomorrow.