Life, Once Again!

* * *

Since then, my brother hasn't contacted me again. I didn't know it later, but I went to the military after university leave without saying anything at home. Since my eldest son showed up after two years without any news, he said he would quit the university and start living in a play, he would have to be angry at that time.

My brother would have looked distant from studying in the eyes of adults. It was either dozing off, spinning a pan, or 10 minutes later, glued to a chair. He was the father who always told me that studying wasn't everything in life, but he kept asking me if I should do the basics, and my brother was reluctant to do so, so he sat at his desk.

Whenever I do that, my brother says to me, "Studying is boring.” I said. Before I went to elementary school, I remembered that word. Then I said to my brother,

“If you're bored, I'll compliment you. Mom, Dad likes you. ”

Then my brother reacted like this.

“It's not fun to be praised. ”

That way, my brother went to work with my father for three years in middle school. I heard it from my mother recently, but then my brother said, "I'd rather be the head of a snake than the tail of a dragon. Father."

I can barely remember my brother's high school life. I told her this, and she said, "I thought I was six. Do you remember that?” I was a little curious and liked it.

Anyway, my brother came home late for three years in high school. That's why I fought with my father many times.

Oh, come to think of it, they fought a lot.

I can remember things quite clearly when my brother was in third grade. He once again confronted his father who told him to quit the theater department and work hard. Probably that's when my father hit my brother.

The night I distinctly remember. With a mating call, my brother's face turned around and my mother dragged me into the room. Through the closing call, I saw the look on his face. He was smiling. Like a man who's done something great.

After that, he didn't say anything to his brother. My father didn't budge even when he asked me to come see him because he had become a theater producer.

Until then, I had never seen my brother's play. My mother was not so generous as to go to the play that my father was provocative and opposed, and I didn't want to see it either.

It was before I started elementary school, so I was attending an elementary school. An hour after I came home, it became my daily routine for my brother to come in sweating red.

I couldn't understand my brother at the time.

He wasn't a bad person. I knew it. I memorize all the writings on paper that my brother calls script in my seat. When he looked at the script, his brother exerted a terrifying concentration that he would not answer even if he talked to him.

If he had studied properly, Mom and Dad would have also supported the play without getting angry.

I hear a lot of compliments.

But he didn't. I was obsessed with the play as if it was a waste of time to study.

That winter.

He often stuck to universities in the province. When my father heard the name of the university, he shook his tongue. But I said that I would pay tuition to make sure it felt good to be in college. My mother also said to my brother, “You can go to college and study now.” I tiled my brother.

The older brother nodded, saying yes.

But I did find out.

That you have no intention of that.

That winter when Tangerine was exceptionally sweet. I finished all my elementary school classes. It became my goal to study middle school classes while attending elementary school.

The school teacher complimented me on the phone. The call also went to my father and mother.

You're so smart.

That day, I went to a hotel buffet holding hands with my parents. My brother didn't come. My brother was also in the play.

“Well done, my son. You did really well. ”

“My son. Do you want anything? ”

My parents like it.

Praise pours out.

I really liked studying. I can be complimented like this and make my parents happy. I went around the department store that day and bought all the toys I wanted to have. My father happily took out the card and scratched it. My mother bought me clothes and shoes. Bookcase and makeover pencil case.

Why wouldn't he want to do that?

My brother was still incomprehensible.

That day, I came home and saw my brother boiling ramen and eating it alone. He said at that time:

“If only he was half like his brother. ”

It must have been insulting to my brother.

At that moment, I felt a subtle feeling. I was happy and sorry for my brother. I enjoyed the fact that I was recognized more than my brother.

Maybe that's why.

I stood up and approached my brother eating ramen and said:

“Hey, do you want me to teach you? ”

My father smiled and laughed. She covers her mouth and smiles slightly, “Geum-Seok thinks of you. You're a big boy. You're a big boy.” I said.

My heart is flattered by the compliments from both sides.

When I think about it now, it was really pure. No, not purity. It was the full ego of the poor boy who became a compliment slave at a young age.

Anyway, after listening to me, he looked at me for a while. I thought my brother would be angry. Or I thought I'd keep eating ramen with a lonely face.

But he was different.

My brother said:

“This is delicious. Little brother, do you want some chopsticks? ”

After graduation, my brother said he left the water source to attend a university in the province. That's where I was living my life.

One day I thought December would end well. I heard that my brother is putting up a play. It was part of a cultural event in the city. My father, of course, pretended not to hear it. He posed that he would not see his brother's play even if it got dirt in his eyes.

However, Mother was a little different, and Mother changed her mind all three years after seeing Father's attention and not going to see his brother's play. My father realized that my mother was going to the play, but he didn't say much. It will be allowed because it is the last act.

“Kyung-suk, do you want to go? ”

I nodded without hesitation at Mother's suggestion. Actually, I was a little curious. What is the play where my brother hangs out, giving up the path to being praised easily?

I found the civic hall with my mother. The youth play was set at 3 o'clock. She went to the waiting room. To see my brother.

I was looking for my brother with my bare feet. At that time, I found my brother building a strong smile in a rowdy person's basket.

My brother was... shining. Everyone was staring at him. I laughed when I was nervous about a word my brother said. Even though I was young at the time, I could see what my brother meant to them at once.

My brother at home and my brother outside.

It was like seeing someone else. I couldn't get close to my mother because she seemed surprised. That's when my brother found us and came closer. And then with the same tone and the same tone, he said, "Look at the fun.” I said.

Then I realized.

You're the same at home and here.

The other was the way I looked at my brother.

That's when the play started and I could see my brother's acting.

My brother...... was truly amazing.

But the memory of that day did not last long. My brother disappeared before my eyes, and I put my mind back to studying. When I entered the school and the teacher asked me a question, I raised my hand first. I felt so good that day when the teacher complimented me.

Praise. I tried to be praised. I was flattered by the fact that there was an equation when the children were searing in addition. I bragged about myself in English, saying my name in Korean.

The children also lifted their fingers to say that it was great.

It was a succession of compliments.

Being subjected to envy was an unexplainable pleasure. I didn't want to miss the pleasure. Writing test, arithmetic test, messaging test. All trials scored 100 points. If I showed my exam papers to my father and mother, I was complimented. There was also a gift. I liked the sweetness.

Everyone likes me.

My brother's drama is a third grade that's been erased from his mind. I saw my brother leave the university after telling me to quit.

Pathetic.

I have to work harder to please my father and mother. It was six years after elementary school. The placement test was complete. Father and Mother were happy, too.

From then on, a plan came to my mind. If you go to a good university in the nationality store, everyone will be happy.

Study again. That's how I took my first test in junior high.

And...

Ranked 5th in the class. I've never missed first place, but I finished fifth, 24 overall. My hair is flaky. Suddenly I was scared. It's not enough to have this grade, but I filled my head. The day I went home with my report card, I heard my father's applause for the first time.

“Well done. ”

That was the end. There were no gifts or strong compliments. I felt a sense of self-esteem. I gripped more teeth. Even if the kids wanted to play, they never played. Every time I spilled coffee, I felt refreshed. That's it. I'm working hard. This is why every time a red dot was stamped on the note, I felt relieved.

And finals. Maybe it was because I was up all night studying the night before. I was devastated from day one. I could tell without scoring. After the first day of the exam, I gathered with the children and tried scoring.

Scored 70 points.

I felt the ground go out on an unimaginable score. The tax classes were all 70 points. I felt like the graders were laughing at me. The teacher's eyes always seemed to turn cold.

The way home with test papers. I couldn't talk to the children I met on the way to the school. I felt like I was being underestimated.

And then I came home. I gave the test paper to my mother. My mother sighed. And then he didn't say anything.

I was terrified. What if we can't hear anything? So I asked.

“How's Mom? ”

She said so small, so small that she couldn't hear it.

“Try harder next time. 70 points, right? ”

That night, I couldn't sleep, and the final exam was a complete mess. Average 70 points. Number 26 in class of 40.

I didn't just think I was screwed. It's a mess. It failed. I don't go to a good high school without this grade. I'm a failure. I'm a loser.

The score of 70 was too horrible. Mother sighing with her silent father. I can't breathe.

Not on this grade.

I don't get credit for my grades.

With this grade... I can't be loved.

It was not a funny concern to think about now, but it was desperate at that time. To some degree, I was desperate to jump out of the school window.

It was because they thought that the red stone that they were not praised for was no longer red stone.

It was when I was going through the worst.

It strangely reminded me of his voice.

I asked my brother's friends on my home phone at his university and barely got in touch with him. I didn't even know what I was going to say or what I was going to say, but I called.

I listened to my brother's voice for a few minutes and just hung up.

I didn't have anything to say, and I was sorry to my brother at the same time.

And the next Saturday morning.

My brother came to my house.

I was surprised by Mother, but my brother ran one step and grabbed my shoulder. Then, with his unshakeable eyes, he said in an unruly voice,

"It's okay. You're okay."

It's okay. It's okay.

Ah, I just heard.

One thing I wanted to hear was not the praise of my parents and teachers, nor the envy of my friends.

It was a word for "fine."

I didn't say anything, but how would he know?

I was so curious that I asked my brother in a crying voice.

He said as if it were very simple.

"I was saying your breath is hurting so much right now. I can't be your brother if you can't catch me. And will you learn?"

My brother told me with the same look he had when he was eating ramen at home six years ago.

"Do you want to go to the play?"

I nodded without hesitation. And I had never been to college. On that street, I saw a lot of people in that park with the same face, the same eyes as my brother, moving and talking.

It was a landscape that reminded me of the word "alive."

And that day.

I dreamt of seeing my brother walking tall with my hands.

And I had a dream.

It could just be an absurd dream chasing your brother's shadow.

It can be a wild dream with only one experience and one impulse.

But I've made my decision.

Keep dreaming about it.

Instead, I decided to approach it in a slightly different way than my brother. I kept studying. My grades improved again. I took 1st place in the whole school like a lie.

Compliments of the teacher and parents restarted.

Hearing that compliment, I found out.

I've been listening to your praises, my luscious shell.

And the third grade of middle school.

I went to the academy as an announcement. My father simply persuaded me. He said that aiming for unemployment executes would make getting to the top universities safer and easier.

My father immediately said yes.

We haven't talked about the theater department yet.

What would my father do if he knew about the theater department?

Probably... will be slapped.

It's okay though.

I can laugh.

I can do whatever I want.

* * *

"Ah,"

When I finished one reading and was resting, the stone next to me suddenly rang out. It sounds like you've realized something. Dojin stared at the stone and asked.

"What's going on?"

Then the cornerstone smiled lightly.

The smile spread on that face like a stone room was quite cool.

"Now I know why I can smile when I get slapped."

Dojin tilts his head.

This is what it sounds like to eat grass.

It was then.

"At ease! Gather round!"

A smile rang out.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Thank you, Sun-choko.

I'm going out to see the mayor.

I'm gonna need tofu and syringes.