Limitless Evolution As a Snake

I do not trust that for a second, but I also do not have a better plan.

The boss/dad reemerges, now carrying a child-size onesie and a hat with attached ears. He looks at the hat, then at me, and shrugs. "It’s all they had at the lost and found," he says, almost apologetic. "But it’ll keep you warm." He holds it out like an olive branch or perhaps a sacrificial cloak.

I do not need clothes. I do not even need warmth, really. But the idea of refusing is more terrifying than the idea of being cocooned in fleece, so I stay perfectly still as he delicately fits the onesie around my body, which requires some improvisation because I am, as established, a snake... with trex arms.

The fairies land on the desk. They deposit a mug of something steaming, then retreat immediately, wings beating so fast they sound like the inside of a computer fan.

The boss surveys the scene, clearly trying to project an aura of fatherly competence. "See? Look at you. Warm, safe, and a big mug of blood for you too." He claps his hands together. "That’s how we do things in this family."

Hana shifts position, never letting her eyes leave me. "What do you want me to do if he tries to escape?" she asks, tone so casual it could be read off a form.

The boss dad grins. "Let him. If he makes it out, that means he deserves it. But keep a tail on him, yeah? Can’t have the little guy gettin’ snatched by wildlife."

She nods once, and I get the sense that her definition of "wildlife" includes most of the beings in this room.

Old mate, are you seeing this? I think. This is not parental; this is a hostage scenario.

[System: Mate, I told you to roll with it. now would be a great time to execute your coffee retrieval plan, while everyone’s high on the reunited family bliss.]

The moment the boss turns to hiss new commands at his minions, I make my move. I slither off the desk, almost invisible at floor level, and aim for the nearest dark gap between crates.

Hana gives chase, but not at full speed; she’s not trying to catch me, just to keep me from getting crushed by a golem or lost in a rat tunnel.

She lets me reach the break room. There, on a sticky table, is the holy grail: a mug of mostly-black coffee, abandoned by someone in a hurry. It’s not the coffee on new dads’ table, but it is coffee, and I’ll take what I can get.

I launch myself into the mug, curling around the rim like a crimson garnish, and drink deeply. It is terrible, but it is also perfect.

Hana stands in the doorway, arms folded, just watching.

[System: legendary move, mate. Have 10 IP. And, by the way, I reckon you’ve impressed the whole room.]

I don’t know what to do with that, so I keep drinking. The caffeine hits my system like a gas explosion, and suddenly the warehouse is brighter, sharper, every detail etched in glass.

Hana sits on the edge of the table, not close enough to touch but definitely close enough to intervene if necessary.

"You’re not what I expected," she says at last, voice quieter than before.

Neither are you, I want to say. Instead, I just keep drinking until the mug is empty and the world is buzzing.

[System: That’s the spirit. Now, let’s see what you do with it, mate and try not to have an existential meltdown, mate. caffeine’s a hell of a drug.]

Hey system, quick question while my brain is doing that nice caffeine hum thing. That was three stolen food items, right? The prosciutto, the sandwich thing, and now this coffee. Did I finish the quest?

[System: Yeah nah you smashed it, mate. Three for three, good job being a little thief, you really are your father’s son, ah I’m tearing up.]

Please shut up. Good, well I knew I wasn’t just drinking terrible break room coffee for fun. There was a plan the whole time, a very stupid plan, but a plan.

[System: As a reward, you get to keep Thermal Camouflage for the rest of this evolution. You’ll lose it once you evolve again, but here’s the kicker: even though it stops being a skill on the list, it’s baked into your body now. Permanent, mate. free upgrade.]

I don’t really get how that works, losing something but also keeping it forever- well, sort of forever, but I’ve stopped expecting the system to make total sense. It just does its own thing, and I go along with it because arguing with a voice in my head has never once worked out for me.

[System: Want to have a squiz at your numbers while you’re all zoomy and awake? Good a time as any.]

Sure. Why not, show me the receipts.

A little window blinks open in my vision, hanging there over Hana’s shoulder like a menu at a bad diner.

Name: Matthew Vane.

Current Form: The Glass Phantom Snake

Rank E.

IP: 45.

EXP: 5,500 out of 10,000.

Family tree: one father, the mafia boss.

Still sitting on the table, still buzzing, I look at the numbers hanging there and figure I might as well ask the dumb questions while I’ve got the chance.

Hey system, quick one. What’s the conversion rate on IP into exp anyway?

[System: Glad you asked, mate! Nah yeah nah, every rank’s different, and right now you’re a shit ass rank E haha]

Thanks, old mate.

[System: No worries, cunt. Anyways, 10 IP gets you 500 exp at your current rank.]

That’s kind of terrible actually. Ten IP is not easy to get.

[System: Yep, it’s meant to be hard. If I just handed you everything right now, what’s the bloody point of any of it, mate.]

yeah that makes sense, but i also hate it, does the exp number get bigger every rank, or does it stay the same forever?

[System: wow, look at you, a real mathematician, you little possessed bootlace. correct, each rank it gets harder, like you when you see any woman.]

Your just jealous i have two dicks.