Chapter 10: Shadow (II)
The soft waves of classical music trailed like a backing track, as a gentle stream of scents—a mixture of flowers, bibliosma, and the warm earthy scent of green tea—filled the room.
What a lovely afternoon.
Dan Woo looked around blankly, the soft cushion beneath him absorbing all the stress and strain. Light spilled in through glass panels, giving the small room form. There was a beautiful harmony in the small space: a cushioned sofa where he sat on one end, while the psychiatrist sat on the other, both separated by a small, well-crafted coffee table at the center with a cup of something on it. A shelf tucked into a corner was filled with many books and awards.
It truly was a therapist’s office. Everything felt familiar, yet... he had never, ever stepped into this room before.
He looked toward the woman—brown hair, an almond-shaped face, and tiny red lips—sitting in a professional state, glasses perched on her delicate nose bridge, her brown eyes twinkling.
"A soul..." she continued.
Dan Woo continued musing at her, unable to reconcile the woman in his bed and the woman before him. They looked similar, but carried a completely different air. He was here due to the insistence of Lee Hyun Ju, to work on his so-called issues, yet...
Quiet.
Everything went silent. His ears perked up at the jarring shift in ambience. His thoughts halted as his eyes focused on the face staring at him inquisitively.
The backing track was gone. The soft utterance of the woman was gone, and Dan was left puzzled.
"What did you say? I wasn’t paying attention," Dan Woo finally said, unable to digest the compounding silence, and feeling a need to fill it.
The woman stared for a second before looking down and noting something.
"I see you are awfully distracted today. Care to tell me what’s on your mind?"
"Nothing, nothing," he replied quickly, "It’s just that there is so much dissonance in my world?"
"Dissonance? Could you elaborate on that?"
"I... I don’t know," Dan Woo said, exhaling through his nose. "I just..." He paused briefly, "Nothing seems to make sense. Like the world doesn’t feel real. I am just going through the motions, like a spectator."
"Don’t you have motivations, dreams, goals?" she asked, leaning forward subtly.
"I did, but now..."
"Okay, then just tell me about your life. Your day to day. What makes you want to get out of bed? What makes you happy?"
"I think... my characters."
"Your characters? Like for your movies and TV shows?"
"I suppose you could say that."
"What about your life outside the set? Do you not have one?"
"I..."
Dan Woo went silent for a second before he decided to take a sip of the green tea, even though he preferred coffee over it. He slightly scrunched his face as the earthy taste hit his tongue, but immediately shifted his attention back to the woman.
"I have a sister and a mother?"
"...Did you say you have a sister and a mother?"
"Yeah. I think I should visit them."
"Do you see your sister as a mother?" she asked cautiously
Dan Woo leaned back slightly, taken aback by the question.
"What do you mean? My sister is my sister and my mother is my mother."
"Okay, okay, calm down. I didn’t mean any offense. It’s just that your sister cares for you like a maternal figure... Then can you tell me a bit about your family?"
Dan Woo sat there, thinking back to his sister. As they grew up, memories surfaced, and he couldn’t help but laugh.
"She was, and still is, an oddball," Dan Woo said, a smile dancing on his face, "There was this one time when I was sixteen and got cornered in an alley by some stupid teens. They were upset about me using their names and images in a terrible light for my character portrayals, so they planned to teach me a lesson.
"Well, that scene didn’t go so well for them, because my sister happened to be walking home with me that particular day. She had used me as her audience for that evening’s practice, but when they saw her with me, their plans changed. Their leader decided to use it as a chance to get close to the cold beauty of the school, threatening to hurt me if she didn’t comply."
A simple quiet laugh escaped him. The therapist listening intently.
"My sister, being my sister, registered the threat and made quick work of the bullies. She was, after all, a taekwondo black belt.
"This unfortunately led to both of us having to be restrained by some police officers," Dan Woo continued. "The officers asked for our parents’ information, saying if we wanted out, otherwise we’d be sleeping there the whole night. She refused to give up the information, and so did I. We both knew our mom’s situation. She didn’t need any more on her plate."
His smile widened unconsciously.
"When the threat was repeated to her, she only requested her violin, saying she still needed to practice for her recital. Can you imagine that?"
"It seems like you and your sister love each other."
"Yeah, we did..."
"You did? Are you fighting currently?"
"No, no," Dan Woo quickly replied. "She’s great. Despite what her stage name says, she isn’t cold or detached. Maybe a bit stilted in the way she works, but she’s still my lovely sister—compassionate, loving, and often misunderstood."
Dan Woo unconsciously picked up the green tea again, only to visibly spit the contents back into the cup.
The therapist immediately noticed.
"Kim Jun Han-ssi, do you not like the tea?"
"No, no. I prefer coffee, but the tea is fine."
"Oh? Usually you prefer tea to coffee. Is this the welcoming of change?"
"Change? What do you mean, change?"
"I mean, you are starting to move on from Baek Hari, aren’t you?"
"What does me preferring coffee have to do with that?"
"You told me initially that tea helps you feel closer to her. If that is no longer the situation, then never mind."
"No, that isn’t the situation," Dan Woo snapped.
"I am me. I am me. I don’t even like this Baek Hari. I don’t even know her."
"But you have been together for more than six years. Is there a reason you feel you don’t know her?"
Dan Woo shot up from the couch.
"Why is this happening?"
"Okay, if that is too much, we can go towards another direction. How about we go back to your mom? What was your best memory with her?"
"My mom? Well..." Dan Woo paused. "That would be the first time she took me and my sister to the cinemas. You see, my father died at an early age, leaving my mom to take care of my sister and me. So we grew up in a conservative way. Of course, we didn’t starve or need for anything thanks to some inheritance, but Mom had to work for everything. So going to the cinemas for us was a huge deal."
A faint smile crossed his face.
"That was when I fell in love with storytelling, right there and then."
"I see. That’s why you became an actor..."
Dan Woo only sighed and headed back to his seat.
"...You can say that."
"And outside of acting, do you have nothing else?"
"I..."
"Are you experiencing things like memory gaps, emotions that are not your own, or a feeling of detachment from your life?"
"...Yes," Dan admitted.
"I see. Can you take me through your process for what you do to get out of character?"
"Get out of character?"
"Yes."
Dan Woo thought for a bit.
"I am not sure."
"Okay. You said that you have gaps in your memories, like Baek Hari. Are there any other gaps?"
"I don’t know. Maybe you. I didn’t even know who you were until you told me about this session... In fact..."
He hesitated.
"I don’t even know your name. Kyung..."
Dan Woo finally said it, feeling the relief of something lifting off his chest.
"Dr. Kyung Ju Yeon."
"What?"
"You were starting to say my name. It’s Kyung Ju Yeon. Dr. Kyung Ju Yeon."
"What? I don’t have any memory of your name whatsoever."
Kyung Ju Yeon scribbled something in her notebook.
"I think you may be having a character bleed."
"A character bleed?"
"Yes. Going back to the question from the beginning, I asked if you have sold your soul to your art."
"Selling my soul to my art?"
"Yes. Usually when creative minds work, they sprinkle a bit of themselves into their art, so all the art they produce has bits and pieces of them in it. And I think this is happening to you."
"I have heard of selling your soul to the devil for your art, but never selling your soul to your art."
"Well, both apply. After all, you are still selling your soul for your art."
"I see."
"As for your breakdowns, it may be a forced breakthrough from your shadow."
"My shadow? What do you mean, my shadow?"
"I mean your psychological shadow. In psychology, the shadow is the part of ourselves that we repress, and usually the more we repress it, the more it pushes back, resulting in outbursts."
"I see. So are you saying that my shadow is showing up through this so-called character bleed?"
"Yes. It’s almost like your brain is trying to cope with something."
"Cope? What is there to try and cope with?"
"...Maybe grief. The death of a parent can be very traumatic."
"Grief? My father died a long time ago, before I could make a concrete connection with him."
"I meant your mother."
"My mother? What do you mean, my mother?"
"For children, when they go through a tough time in their life—maybe when they get abused or traumatized in other ways—they form what are called alters to cope with the emotional distress and protect themselves. This is what leads to DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder. They usually have some symptoms pointing to it, and you seem to be exhibiting some of those same symptoms."
"What are you trying to say? That I have DID?"
"No, no. From what I know, you haven’t had any traumatic events as a child, so I highly doubt you have DID. But I do believe you are experiencing a character bleed, and your shadow is bleeding through it, forcing a situation similar to DID."
Dan Woo suddenly broke out into a laugh filled with disbelief.
"You are wrong," he said as he stood up. "You are very wrong."
He walked out of the room and reached for his phone, his fingers already dialing a number.
As soon as he pressed call, the contact name Mom popped up.
The number you have dialed doesn’t exist.
He tried again.
As he walked through the long hall, the message repeated.
Seeing it wasn’t working, he tried typing his sister’s number. The contact immediately sprang up with his sister’s name.
But just as he was about to press it, he bumped into someone, dropping his phone.
He turned his attention to see a young boy, maybe twelve or thirteen years old.
The boy quickly helped him pick up his phone, handing it back to him. But he had also left a letter with it.
Dan Woo was confused for a second, looking at the letter. When he looked up again, the boy was gone.
He looked at the letter inquisitively.
He didn’t wish to open it and hoped to leave it for its rightful owner, only to see the words:
To: Kim Jun Han (Dan Woo)
He looked at the letter again, weighing whether to open it or not.
After a bit of back and forth, he decided to open it.
You have been invited—
The letters suddenly bounced off the page into sparkles as the information drilled itself into his mind.
"The Dreamers."
It was the Dreamers.
He was finally going to meet them.