Chapter 131: Don’t go!
Saraya woke to the soft sound of a spoon touching the rim of a bowl.
She lay still for a moment, looking at the white ceiling of the hospital room. Yesterday’s rain had stopped. Outside the window, droplets still clung to the leaves, occasionally falling onto the sill with faint sounds.
Saraya remembered getting into the car with Erik. She remembered gripping the hem of his shirt, afraid that if she let go, she would hear that voice again. After that, her memories were only scattered fragments: the hospital hallway, light shining into her eyes, Meira telling her not to resist the mana within her body.
She raised a hand to her neck. There was no longer any sensation of something tightening inside her head, but her body was still so exhausted that even a small movement forced her to slow her breathing.
The spoon sounded again.
Saraya turned her head. A few steps from her bed, Felyn was sitting propped against a pillow, honey-blonde hair falling over her shoulders. The blindfold over her eyes was still wrapped neatly in place, while Erik sat beside her, holding a bowl of porridge.
"One more bite?" he asked.
"That’s the fourth time you’ve asked." Felyn tilted her face toward him. "If I say no, will you really take the bowl away?"
"I will. But I’ll ask again later."
Felyn laughed. She parted her lips to accept the spoonful of porridge Erik offered, then frowned slightly.
"Still hot?"
"A little."
Erik put down the spoon, stirred the porridge in the bowl, then tested its temperature with another spoon. He did not rush to feed her again. While waiting, he straightened the small napkin beneath Felyn’s chin, the movement familiar as if he had done it for a long time.
Saraya watched his hand.
Back when she had lived with Erik, he had often waited for the food to cool before calling her to the table. There had been a time when she came home late, and he reheated dinner without saying a word. Back then, Saraya had only thought he did it because he wanted to please her.
Now he was doing the same things for someone else.
"The porridge is on your left," Erik told Felyn after testing it again. "I’ll put the bowl within reach. Do you want to keep eating by yourself?"
"I do." Felyn reached out, but instead of finding the bowl, her fingers touched the back of Erik’s hand. She paused briefly, then smiled. "I reached for the wrong thing."
"The bowl is right behind my hand."
Erik held still so Felyn could determine the position, only then handing the bowl to her. Felyn took the spoon and ate several more bites. A lock of hair slipped down and nearly touched the porridge; Erik reached out to tuck it behind her ear. Felyn paused slightly, her cheeks flushing beneath the morning light.
"I can tie my own hair," she said softly.
"I know." Erik found the hair tie on the table. "But your hands are busy right now. Can I help?"
Felyn was silent for a moment, then turned her back toward him. "Tie it loosely."
Erik gathered her long hair. He was not as skillful as Elowen; several strands still escaped around her cheeks. Felyn raised a hand to feel it, the corners of her lips curving upward.
"You tie it like you’re tying up a bundle of firewood."
"This bundle of firewood is rather difficult to please."
"Did you just call my hair firewood?"
"I was talking about the tie."
Felyn laughed aloud. Erik smiled as well, adjusting the hair beside her ear before letting go. Saraya saw that smile clearly. It did not look like an act he had deliberately put on to provoke her. That was precisely what made her chest ache even more.
"Erik."
He turned toward her immediately. "You’re awake. Does anything hurt?"
Saraya had wanted to ask why he was not sitting beside her bed. The question caught in her throat when she saw a cup of water, a clean towel, and a Healer call button placed within reach on the table near her bed. He had prepared everything. She simply had not noticed.
"No," she replied, then looked at Felyn. "When did you get here?"
"Last night." Erik placed the bowl of porridge on the table beside Felyn. "Meira examined you. The direct effects of the forbidden technique have been removed, but you still need to rest today."
"So you knew I was awake, yet you sat there taking care of her?"
Felyn lowered her head. The hand holding the spoon tightened slightly. Erik noticed and gently placed his hand on the edge of the table in front of her.
"Felyn is eating breakfast," he said to Saraya. "I just saw that you were awake, and I already asked about your condition."
"I’m lying right here." Saraya’s voice rose higher than she intended. "You tuck her hair behind her ear, talk to her, as if there isn’t anyone else in this room."
Erik looked at her for a moment. He did not leave his chair, but neither did he take Felyn’s hand to retaliate against Saraya’s jealousy.
"If you want me to sit beside you because you just woke up and feel afraid, I can understand that," he said. "But if you want me to stop what I’m doing to prove that you are more important than Felyn, I can’t do that."
Saraya turned her face away. She hated that he had said exactly what she was thinking.
"You’ve changed."
"I’ve heard that many times."
"Because of Vylana." Saraya abruptly turned back. "If she hadn’t kept saying that you were deceiving me, if she hadn’t made me think..."
"Vylana is at fault," Erik cut in, his voice still low. "I know she deliberately made you doubt me. I have already made that clear to her. But during the days we lived together, you were the one who decided whether or not to ask me."
Saraya bit her lip. "I heard too many things about men."
"I know."
"You can’t understand what I was thinking back then."
"I can’t know everything." Erik looked at her. "But I was right there in that apartment. Every time something made you uncomfortable, you could have asked me. You usually chose to remain silent until you got angry, then spoke as if I had done the things you suspected me of doing."
Felyn quietly set down her spoon. She did not interrupt, but neither did she stand up and leave. Hearing the bowl touch the table, Saraya suddenly realized that another person was listening to every word she said.
"I apologized to you," she said softly.
"I heard you."
"Then what else do you want?"
Erik looked at Saraya. Last night, when she had lost consciousness in the car, her fingers had still been gripping his shirt tightly. He had helped the Healer pry them free to bring her to bed. He had also waited outside the treatment room until Meira told him she was out of danger. Saraya did not know any of that, and Erik did not want to use it to trade for her gratitude.
"I don’t want anything to happen to you," he replied. "But between us, an apology cannot immediately bring everything back to what it was before."
Saraya lowered her head to look at her hands. "You once said you would give me time."
"I did."
He fell silent for several seconds. There was something Erik had never told Saraya. He had thought there was no point in bringing it up anymore, but looking at her now, he wanted her to understand why he had stayed for three months, and why he ultimately could not continue.
"After two weeks of living with you, I once planned to take you back."
Saraya jerked her head up.
"That day, I thought we were not compatible. In the afternoon, on my way home, I saw you sitting by the roadside. You were holding a cat that had been hit by a car, blood covering your sleeves."
Saraya parted her lips, but could not say anything.
"I thought you were injured, so I ran over. You were crying so hard that you couldn’t hear me calling you. You asked where that cat would go, whether anyone would still remember it. Then you said that if no one remembered it, maybe it was just like you, with nowhere to return to."
A memory Saraya had pushed very far away suddenly became clear again. The little cat lying still in her arms. The smell of road dust after the rain. And Erik sitting down beside her, taking off his coat to cover both of them even though he did not know how to answer that question.
"You still remember?" she asked.
"I never forgot." Erik looked directly at her. "That day, I realized you could feel heartbroken for a life that brought you nothing. I thought that if we were patient enough, you would let me understand you better. I also tried to let you understand me."
Tears spilled from Saraya’s eyes. She hurried to wipe them away, but the more she wiped, the more they came.
"It’s not that I didn’t trust you," she said.
Erik let out a quiet breath. "If you wanted us to be together, why did you never ask me before believing the worst?"
Saraya could not answer. She wanted to say that she was afraid of being deceived, afraid of being the last person to realize that she had been foolish. But throughout that time, Erik had suffered the consequences of fears she had never once clearly spoken of.
"I’ll change," she said, her voice trembling. "This time, I really will. Can you give me one more chance?"
Erik looked at her for a long time. "You should change for yourself, Saraya. I believe you can do it. But I can’t promise to come back just because you just apologized."
A Healer knocked and entered to examine her. After asking Saraya a few questions and confirming that she was conscious, the Healer reported that Felyn could be discharged that day, while Saraya needed to remain under observation. Erik stood to receive the paperwork. He had paid Saraya’s hospital bills and also asked the Healer to contact Meira if the lingering traces of the forbidden technique caused any new symptoms.
When he returned, he placed a key on the table beside her bed.
"I still kept the old apartment. After you leave the hospital, you can stay there for as long as you want. I’ll have everything you need prepared."
Saraya looked at the key. "Why are you giving it to me if you don’t plan to return?"
"So you’ll have a place to rest."
After saying that, Erik turned to help Felyn put on her coat. He warned her before touching her hand, then placed her bag on the side of her dominant hand. Felyn stood up on her own, using the tips of her fingers to lightly touch Erik’s arm and determine her direction. He walked slowly with her.
Watching the two prepare to leave, Saraya could not endure it any longer. She threw back the blanket and hurried out of bed. Her knees were still weak, and her foot slipped, sending her down onto the floor. The Healer immediately caught her. Erik turned as well, took one step forward, then stopped when he saw that the other person had already held Saraya up.
"Don’t go!" Saraya choked out. "I know I was wrong. I really know."
Erik crouched down to meet her eyes. He saw the tears on Saraya’s cheeks and the arm trembling as she braced herself against the floor. He wanted to help her up, but the Healer was already doing it. If he reached out at this moment, Saraya would likely hold onto him and believe she had just gained a promise in exchange.
"I don’t doubt that you’re in pain," he said. "But I don’t know whether that pain is because you want to understand and love me, or because you just lost someone who always tried to make you happy. You need time to find that answer too."
"It isn’t like that..." Saraya shook her head, but her voice gradually grew quieter.
Felyn reached out to find Erik’s hand. She held it lightly without pulling him away. Erik looked at her, then turned back to Saraya.
"Trust is very difficult to regain once it has been lost. For now, take care of yourself. When you have the strength, try listening to what other people want, even when what they want is different from what you want."
The Healer helped Saraya back to bed. Erik waited until she was sitting steadily before leaving with Felyn. Saraya heard their footsteps moving down the hallway, slow and even. Erik reminded Felyn that there was a cart on her right. Felyn said she had heard the wheels earlier. He laughed and told her that next time, he would let her remind him.
Those ordinary words made Saraya jealous enough to ache. She stared at the key on the table for a long time. When the Healer bent down to pick up the blanket she had pulled to the floor, Saraya suddenly noticed a red mark on the Healer’s wrist from having supported her.
"Does your wrist hurt?" she asked.
The Healer looked slightly surprised, then shook their head. "It’s fine. Rest."
Saraya picked up the key. The metal had been cold, but after resting in her palm for a while, it became strangely warm.
Outside the hospital entrance, Erik opened the car door for Felyn, then paused before helping her inside.
"Was I too cruel just now?" he asked.
Felyn turned her face toward his voice. "I couldn’t see your expression. But when you spoke to her, your hand was trembling."
"And I still left her there."
"You listened to her, worried about where she would stay and her treatment." Felyn touched his fingers. "If you promised to come back only to make her stop crying today, she would hurt even more tomorrow."
Erik did not answer immediately. Felyn gently squeezed his hand, then held onto the doorframe and stepped into the car by herself. He waited until she was seated steadily before closing the door, but his hand remained on the handle for a while longer.