The Best Point Guard

Su Xi and Scarlett had an eventful Christmas. They were caught on camera with their car rocking at a drive-in theater. The paparazzi were exhausted.

This was the first time in American Hollywood history that Su Xi’s prowess was confirmed firsthand. That damn oversized pickup truck barely stopped shaking, and Scarlett’s moans revealed an entirely new side to her sex appeal.

A time-lapse video of the incident went viral online.

People had only ever speculated about Su Xi’s incredible stamina, but this Christmas, it was confirmed.

Su Xi became even more sought-after.

The sight of Scarlett being photographed leaning on Su Xi for support as she entered her house the next day had an especially huge impact. It gave women all over North America an unprecedented fantasy—who wouldn’t want to be pleasured to the point of collapse?

And all this happened right after Su Xi had defeated LeBron James.

So, who was the real Chosen One?

The women of North America let out a resounding cry, firing the first shot against the NBA’s monarchy.

Women were talking about Su Xi all over the internet.

This was embarrassing for LeBron James, who was even asked by a reporter what he thought about Little Sheep Su Xi’s drive-in theater incident.

What could James say?

"I wish them well," James said.

Then, the reporter asked, "If it were you, could you last that long?"

James gave an enigmatic smile. "Guess."

’Guess my ass. Anyone could tell he couldn’t.’

The story brewed overnight, blowing up on television and the internet. Su Xi finally posted a message on his website: "Sorry, I thought no one went to drive-in movies on Christmas."

Uh...

What to make of Su Xi’s response?

Men thought he was subtly flexing, while women thought he was the coolest person alive.

It quickly became a meme. Women all over the United States started saying things like, "Jack, I want to book a movie date with you for next Christmas."

Su Xi remained calm.

He considered it an amusing part of life and wouldn’t comment on it further. He also wouldn’t respond to questions about whether he’d take Megan Fox or Jessica Alba for the same experience, or about how many girlfriends he actually had.

Of course, there was still some discussion about it within the team.

Eddie Curry said Su Xi should buy a bigger car, recommending an Escalade. He suggested getting the interior customized, converting it to four seats, and then swapping out the suspension.

Eddie Curry thought Su Xi’s Ford Raptor was still a bit too small.

Crawford suggested just switching to an RV, or even buying a bus and converting it into one.

Quentin Richardson had his own suggestions as well.

This just went to show one thing: car culture is huge in the NBA, and everyone’s an expert.

But none of them understood the opportunity better than Ford.

Ford contacted Scarlett immediately, inviting her to become their spokesperson.

After careful consideration, Scarlett rejected offers from Chevrolet and GM and signed a lucrative deal to become Ford’s national spokesperson.

It’s worth noting that the model she endorsed was the Raptor.

It was a nice new source of income for her, to say the least.

Interestingly, Scarlett also received endorsement offers for throat-soothing products.

But Scarlett rejected them all.

Being suggestive was one thing, but she couldn’t just accept any ad for a product with such a practical application. Her agent’s response was also quite interesting: "Our client doesn’t just accept any endorsement, no matter how high the price. We will only consider it after we’ve actually used the product and can confirm that it’s genuinely good."

In no time, all sorts of throat lozenges came flooding into Scarlett’s agency like an avalanche.

It was truly a sweet problem to have.

...

Despite his busy schedule, Su Xi found time to talk with his teammates about bringing Zach Randolph on board. The idea passed with a unanimous vote. They welcomed a refined man with open arms, but they were also filled with a desire to reform someone notorious in the media. Everyone wanted to turn Randolph from a monster back into a man, because they had all undergone the same transformation.

Randolph was both refined and notorious—wasn’t he exactly the kind of talent the Knicks needed most?

Randolph was a man who got things done.

As the Knicks’ winning streak climbed from 21 games to 22, 23, and then 24, he started making waves in Portland.

He showed up at training camp and got into another huge fight with McMillan.

According to an anonymous inside source, Randolph had insulted McMillan’s mother.

McMillan, in turn, insulted Randolph’s aunt.

Randolph then said, "I’m going to a nightclub to hold a memorial service for your mom. I’ll even do it Chinese-style for you."

McMillan lunged at Randolph, ready to fight.

Randolph kicked a basketball at him, tripping McMillan.

Then all hell broke loose.

McMillan swore, "If I don’t get you traded, I’m your son!"

Randolph shot back, "If you *don’t* get me traded, then you’re *my* son!"

The two were locked in a standoff.

The entire executive team was mobilized. That night, McMillan was reportedly in General Manager Pritchard’s office for most of the night.

The very next day, Randolph was put on the trading block.

Quite a few teams around the league inquired about him, but none were willing to offer sufficient assets in return.

Because of all this, Randolph’s trade value had plummeted.

No one wanted to take that risk. If they traded for him and Randolph just continued to do whatever he pleased, tens of millions of USD would go down the drain, and he could destroy the team’s chemistry. No one dared to take the gamble.

Around this time, photos also surfaced of Randolph on a Miami beach with a group of beauties in qipaos, playing music. It was all quite refined.

This led some in the media to spread rumors that Randolph’s foray into Chinese music was a gesture toward Yao Ming, and that he wanted to go to Houston to team up with Yao and McGrady.