Chapter 253 - A Kiss
Zac looked at her for a long moment.
Roxie waited for him to take it back. Wasting time was something people said when they were done trying, and Zac had never been done trying. He got pissed. He walked out. He came back. Sometimes he made everything worse before he made it better, but he always came back.
"What the fuck does that mean?"
Zac rubbed both hands over his face. "I don’t know, Rox."
"No. You just said we’re wasting time."
"I said why are we still doing this if you don’t even know if you want what we’ve been planning."
"Oh my God. So now this is about me?"
"I didn’t say that."
"You lied to me. You slept in my fucking car. Everybody knows what’s happening to you except me, and somehow I’m the problem because I’m scared about Tennessee?"
"I know I lied."
"Then why are we even talking about Tennessee?"
"Because you brought it up, and now I find out you might not even fucking come."
Roxie folded her arms. "I never said I wasn’t coming."
"Then what are you saying?"
"I said I don’t know yet."
Zac looked away.
The anger that had been holding him together seemed to disappear with it. His shoulders dropped, and Roxie hated that more than when he had been yelling at her.
"I’m tired, Rox."
"So am I."
"No." He looked at her again. His eyes were already starting to shine. "I’m fucking tired of this."
Something cold moved through her stomach.
"What are you saying?"
Zac hesitated.
That hesitation scared her more than if he had shouted it.
"Maybe we should break up."
Roxie stared at him.
Then she laughed. It sounded wrong even to her.
"Fine."
Zac didn’t answer.
"Fine," she repeated, louder. "Break up with me."
She expected him to get pissed. Instead, he nodded once and walked toward the bedroom.
Roxie followed him. "Where are you going?"
"Getting my stuff."
That stopped being funny.
Zac opened the dresser and started pulling out the clothes that had slowly taken over one side of it. A couple shirts, underwear, the shorts he always slept in. He dropped them into the duffel beside the bed without looking at her.
Roxie stood in the doorway watching him remove himself from her room.
"Seriously?"
He kept packing.
"Go back to Dylan’s then. Maybe Mason will let you sleep in his fucking driveway again."
Nothing.
"Zac."
He reached for another shirt.
"You’re actually leaving?"
He looked at her. His eyes were red now. "Yeah."
Her eyes burned.
Roxie hated that he could see it. She wiped beneath one eye with the heel of her hand and crossed the room before another tear could fall, grabbing the duffel by the strap.
"Let go."
"No."
"Roxie."
"I’ll go."
He frowned. "What?"
"Tennessee." Her voice shook, so she forced it louder. "I’ll fucking go."
Zac stopped.
"We can still get the apartment. I’ll figure out school. I’ll get a job. Whatever. I’ll go."
For one horrible second, Roxie thought she had fixed it.
Then Zac shook his head. "Don’t."
"What the fuck do you mean, don’t? You’ve been asking me to go for weeks."
"I wanted you to want to go."
"I do."
"You just told me you don’t know if you can build your life around me."
"I said I’m scared!"
"I know what you said."
"Then why are you acting like I said I don’t love you?"
"Because I thought you already picked me!"
His voice cracked through the bedroom.
Roxie stopped.
Zac looked away quickly, rubbing the heel of his hand against one eye. When he looked back, he was pissed again, but the tears were still there.
"I thought we already fucking decided this. I thought I was going to Tennessee and you were coming with me. I thought we were figuring the rest out together."
"We can."
"Now."
"What?"
"Now you can." Zac pointed toward the duffel. "Now that I’m leaving, suddenly you can."
"That’s not why."
"Then why couldn’t you say it before?"
"Because I was scared!"
"And you think I’m not?"
Roxie’s mouth shut.
Zac laughed once, but there was no humor in it. "My whole fucking life blew up, Rox. I don’t even know where I’m sleeping half the time, and the one thing I thought I still knew was you."
Her throat tightened.
"You still have me."
"Do I?"
"Yes!"
"Then why am I finding out right now that you don’t even know if you believe in the future I’ve been planning with you?"
"That’s not fucking fair."
"Maybe it isn’t."
"No, it isn’t. You don’t get to make me feel like shit because I’m scared."
"I’m not mad because you’re scared."
"Then what are you mad about?"
Zac looked at her, his jaw shaking slightly. "That I thought you already chose us."
Roxie stared at him.
"I did choose us."
"You chose me here."
"What the fuck does that mean?"
"It means you want me right now. You want me here with you. But the second I ask you to actually come build something with me, you don’t know."
"That’s not the same thing."
"It is to me."
Roxie’s tears spilled over before she could stop them. She wiped them away angrily. "So I’m supposed to follow you four hours away just to prove I love you?"
"No."
"That’s exactly what you’re saying."
"I’m saying I thought you wanted to."
"I do!"
"Because I picked up a fucking bag?"
"No!"
Zac looked at her.
Roxie hated that look because she could see that he didn’t believe her.
"I can still go," she said. "Being scared doesn’t mean I can’t fucking go."
"I don’t want you coming because you’re scared I’ll leave you."
"Then what the fuck do you want from me?"
"I wanted you to believe we could fucking do it." His voice broke again.
Roxie stared at him.
For one second, all she could see was how wet his eyes were, how hard he was trying to keep his face still, and relief slipped through the panic.
He was crying too.
He didn’t want this.
"Zac—"
"I don’t want you waking up six months from now hating me because you left everything for me and I couldn’t give you whatever the fuck you thought I would."
"I wouldn’t."
"You don’t know that."
"Neither do you!"
"I know I don’t want to drag you there."
"You’re not dragging me anywhere!"
"You didn’t say yes until I started packing!"
Roxie released the bag.
"Fine. Maybe I won’t fucking go."
Zac said nothing.
That silence dug into her worse than another argument would have.
"Maybe I’ll stay here."
Still nothing.
Roxie knew what she was about to do was shitty before she did it.
"Maybe I’ll go with Ethan."
Zac’s head turned. His jaw tightened immediately.
Relief moved through Roxie’s chest.
"Leave that bastard out of this."
"Why? You’re breaking up with me."
"Because you’re only saying his name to piss me off."
"So it worked."
"Jesus Christ, Roxie."
He grabbed the duffel, and Roxie caught his arm.
"Then stay."
Zac looked down at her hand. "Let go."
"No."
"Rox."
"You’re jealous, so obviously you still fucking care."
"I do care."
"Then stay."
"I can care about you and still leave."
"No, you can’t."
"Yes, I can."
The answer came too easily.
Fresh tears blurred her vision, and Roxie shoved him.
Zac stumbled into the dresser.
"Stop."
"Fuck you." Her voice broke. "How can you fucking do this?"
She shoved him again, and this time he caught her arms.
"Stop hitting me."
"Let go."
"Then stop."
"Go, then!"
"I’m trying to!"
He released her and reached for the bag.
Roxie moved between him and the door before he could take another step. Her face was wet now, and she was too angry to keep wiping it.
"Move."
"No."
"Roxie."
"Make me."
Zac stared at her.
Roxie waited.
This was the part she understood.
He would grab her. She would get mad. He would get madder. Somehow one of them would end up against the wall or the bed, and eventually all that anger would become something else. It always did.
Zac stepped back.
Roxie frowned. "What?"
"I’m not doing that."
"Doing what?"
"This shit."
She laughed bitterly. "Since when?"
His face tightened. "Maybe I should’ve figured it out sooner."
"Oh, shut the fuck up."
She shoved him again.
Zac caught her wrist.
"Stop."
"Let go."
He did.
That pissed her off even more. He was supposed to fight back. He was supposed to be angry enough that this stopped feeling like a breakup.
Roxie went at him again, and this time Zac caught both wrists before she could shove him.
"Enough."
"Let me go!"
"Stop fucking hitting me!"
She twisted against him and kicked at his leg. Zac swore and pushed her backward, trying to put space between them.
Her back struck the bedroom door.
Hard.
Everything stopped.
Zac’s grip loosened immediately.
"Fuck. Rox, I didn’t—"
Roxie ripped one hand free and slapped him.
The sound cracked through the room.
Zac’s head turned.
Roxie froze.
A red mark started showing across his cheek. His shoulders rose with a shaky breath, and when he looked back at her, tears were running down his face.
"Fuck." Roxie’s hand went toward him. "Zac, I’m sorry."
He moved away before she touched him.
That hurt worse than if he had grabbed her wrist again.
"I said I’m sorry."
"I know."
"Then stop looking at me like that."
Zac laughed, but it broke halfway through. "How the fuck am I supposed to look at you?"
Roxie wiped at her own face. She was crying hard enough now that it was getting difficult to pretend she was only angry.
"We can fix it."
Zac glanced at the scratches running down his arm.
Roxie followed his eyes and felt her stomach twist.
"I won’t hit you again."
"You’ve said that."
"And you won’t grab me."
"I’ve said that too."
"So we fucking mean it this time."
Zac looked at her for a long moment.
"This isn’t why I’m leaving."
Roxie stopped.
"What?"
Zac dragged both hands through his hair. He was crying openly now, and seeing it gave Roxie another stupid burst of hope. He was this upset because he loved her. He was still here arguing because he loved her. This could still stop.
"I thought you believed in me," he said.
Roxie stared at him.
"What?"
"I thought you believed I could do it."
"Do what?"
"Tennessee. Football. Us. Any of it." His mouth twisted before he looked away. "I know everything’s fucked right now. I know I don’t have a house. I know I’m sleeping on people’s couches and in your fucking car. I know."
"Zac—"
"But I thought you still believed we were going."
"I do."
"No, you want me to stay."
"That’s the same fucking thing!"
"No, it isn’t."
"How?"
"Because you’re saying yes so I don’t walk out that door."
Roxie shook her head. "I love you."
"I know."
"Then why isn’t that enough?"
"Because I don’t want you following me because you’re scared to lose me."
"I’m not following you!"
"Then why didn’t you say yes before? Why is it taking you forever to decide? Why can you fucking say no?"
Roxie opened her mouth.
Nothing came out fast enough.
Zac nodded, his lips pressing together as more tears slipped down his face.
That tiny nod made something in Roxie panic. "If you love me, then stay."
His eyes closed.
"Zac."
"I do love you."
"Then stay."
He opened his eyes.
"That doesn’t change what you said."
"Why the fuck does everything need to be decided tonight? Just stay. Sleep here. We’ll talk tomorrow."
"And tomorrow what? You suddenly believe in this?"
"I can do what you want."
Zac’s face crumpled.
"That’s not what I fucking want."
Roxie stopped.
"I don’t want you doing what I want because I’m crying and packing my shit. I wanted you to want the same thing."
"I do."
Zac wiped at his face. "I can’t."
A cry caught in Roxie’s throat.
She moved closer until there was barely any space between them. "Just please."
His eyes dropped to her face, and the pain there gave her hope again.
"Please don’t leave me."
"Roxie..."
"No." She grabbed the front of his shirt. "Don’t say my name like that."
"Like what?"
"Like you’re saying goodbye."
His eyes filled again.
Roxie’s chest hurt so badly that breathing felt wrong.
"Tell me you don’t want me."
Zac stared at her.
"Say it."
"I can’t."
"Why?"
"Because you know it isn’t true."
Relief hit so hard her knees almost went weak.
"Then what the fuck are we doing?"
Zac shook his head, crying harder now. "I don’t know."
"You want me."
"Yes."
"You love me."
"Yes."
"Then stop."
She pulled him closer.
Zac didn’t resist, but he didn’t touch her either.
Roxie stared up at him. His face was wet. His breathing was uneven. There was a red mark from her hand still spreading across his cheek, but all Roxie could think was that he was crying because he didn’t want to lose her either.
"Kiss me."
His face tightened. "Roxie."
"Just kiss me."
She went up on her toes and kissed him before he could answer.
For a second, Zac didn’t move.
Panic clawed into her stomach.
Then his mouth moved against hers.
Roxie’s eyes closed as relief hit so hard that another sob almost escaped into the kiss.
Zac’s hand came up to her cheek. His thumb moved beneath her eye, wiping away tears while his mouth softened against hers. Roxie held tighter to his shirt and kissed him again, softer now because there was no reason to fight anymore.
He wanted her.
He loved her.
He was crying too.
Whatever he had said about Tennessee, whatever she had said about being scared, they could figure it out tomorrow.
This was what always happened.
They fought.
They said horrible shit.
Then they remembered.
Zac was still here.
Roxie relaxed against him and felt his forehead touch hers when the kiss ended. His hand stayed against her cheek.
She kept her eyes closed for another second, breathing through the ache in her chest.
"See?"
Zac didn’t answer.
Roxie opened her eyes.
He was crying harder than before.
For a second, she thought that was good too. He finally understood. He didn’t want this any more than she did.
Then his thumb moved once across her cheek.
His hand dropped.
Roxie’s stomach sank.
"Zac."
He stepped back.
"No."
He looked away, wiping his face.
Roxie grabbed his shirt again. "No. What the fuck are you doing?"
Zac gently removed her hand.
"Don’t."
"No."
His jaw shook.
Roxie stared at him through the tears.
His eyes closed for a moment.
When they opened again, he looked wrecked.
Roxie knew before he said it.
She shook her head.
"No."
Zac swallowed hard.
"That was goodbye."