Chapter 197: Failed Duty
It had been four days since Solomon and Jiaoying brought everyone to the Amazon lands.
Griselda was more than accommodating and seemed not to mind the extra company. Though perhaps it was simply the thrill of being reunited with her family that kept her unbothered by anything else.
The golden siblings were settling in as well as could be expected. However, they were hardly talkative.
From Griselda’s hut within the village, Jiaoying leaned against the window with her chin resting in her palm.
Canari, Vergil, and Andros were a few yards away, huddled amongst themselves as they silently ate from wooden bowls.
Jiaoying sighed deeply.
"Uh-oh. That’s not a sound I like to hear."
Yari wrapped her arms around Jiaoying from behind and nuzzled the back of her neck.
Jiaoying feigned disinterest as best she could.
"Do not entice me right now, love. I am grieving."
"And it is not my wish to intrude upon your grief. Merely to lend an ear if you need it."
Jiaoying stared forlornly out the window.
"...The man I looked up to is dead. And I, who was supposed to be his sword and shield, still live. I failed in my duty. And now I sit and wonder... how long will it be until his descendants come to loathe me for my inadequacy?"
"Jiaoying, what are you talking about..? Jorre wasn’t killed in battle; he was poisoned. And by one of his own children, no less. What do you honestly think that you could have done?"
"Something!"
Jiaoying pulled away from her wife abruptly, only for Yari to catch her by her wrist and hold her in place. "Jiao, stop!"
When Jiaoying looked back at her wife, her eyes were watery and as red as fire. Yari felt her heart break at the sight.
"...Let’s get some air, okay?"
Jiaoying nodded timidly, wiping her face hard enough to remove a layer of skin.
They left Griselda’s hut and traveled a short distance outside the village.
A network of nearby caves was the Amazonian community’s central hub for bathing. Individual chambers resembling private rooms were carved into the walls, where individual hot springs were usually closed off by some kind of animal pelt.
...Actually, it was only since Solomon and the others had arrived that they had thought to close anything off. Before, the amazons and the dark fae had a rather... ’open’ policy.
Jiaoying sat waist-deep in the water, between Yari’s legs. While facing away, she allowed her wife to wash her hair, despite how infantilized it made her feel.
Yari used her powers to wash the soap out of her fiancé’s hair. Jiaoying was largely unmoving during this time, instead staring at the wall of dark rock across from her while the water bubbled around her.
Once she was done, Yari sank into the water beside her and turned her around. She pushed a few loose strands out of her face and smiled at her sweetly.
"As pretty as a snapdragon in the winter. Looking at you still sets my heart aflutter."
Jiaoying managed a dour smile, but no words slipped past her lips.
Yari touched her face gently, pulling her close until their foreheads were pressed against each other.
"I know your grief. But I am here for you, my love. You need only tell me what you need from me, and I will-"
"You can’t fix me, Yari." Jiaoying’s voice cracked.
Once again, she pulled away from her fiancé, her face contorted in agony.
"I am... a failure! Everything in my life that I have ever tried to do has all come crumbling down around me! My marriage, my children, and now my job...! Everything I touch just ends up crumbling around me, and I can’t-"
"What are you talking about? You haven’t failed at anything; your children adore you, we are to be wed, and what happened to the emperor was not your fault. I have told you this already!"
Xu Jiaoying was a woman who defined herself by her roles. Every failure she had ever had, personal or professional, had sat within her spirit like a ghost.
In that way, Fury was not the only malevolent spirit inside of her.
Jiaoying did not know how to forgive herself for her mistakes. And the occurrence of a new error only dredged up the way she felt about her prior ones.
It didn’t help that Jorre’s death came at the worst possible time.
Jiaoying was expecting a lot of big changes in her life soon.
She was getting married again, after telling herself for years that she was better off alone, unable to hurt anyone. And she was expecting another child, even after all that she had done to traumatize the two she already had.
With the stability she had come to know as of late, Jiaoying had started to believe that her worst days may have truly been behind her.
A sudden and dramatic shift in her life, such as the death of the man she had pledged her sword to, had effectively shaken Jiaoying in every conceivable way.
She had begun to question everything about herself.
If she could not protect the first person to ever believe in her, then how could she defend her wife and husband? How could she shepherd their child that was to come?
"I... feel... like I’m drowning." She finally said. "A-All I can think about is my guilt, my grief, my failures, and it’s all-"
"Shhh... Je te tiens... Reste avec moi. You need to breathe."
With her head nestled just between Yari’s breasts, Jiaoying released all of her sorrows and fears onto her fiancé’s skin.
Jiaoying cried to the point of physical exhaustion. Her chest heaving, she lost consciousness in the heated water and had to be supported by her wife to be.
As soon as she knew her love was asleep, Yari also wept.
She cried for the woman she loved and the burdens she carried. Her fears. Her doubts.
It was the first time that Yari realized that the strongest woman she knew may not have actually been very strong at all.