The Most Random System

Watching Lin Li start singing to himself, making little finger-hearts at her with both hands alternately, Chen Yu Ying finally felt at ease.

Let’s all say it together: thank you, Lin Li.

Her shyness and sentimentality vanished in an instant~

Seeing Chen Yu Ying relax, Lin Li’s singing cut off abruptly. He suddenly leaned in a bit, and asked softly:

"Class rep, last question: just now, did your lips move? You even closed your eyes, hmm? Did you think I was gonna kiss you? And you silently agreed?"

"Huh?"

"No!"

Chen Yu Ying denied it on the spot, voice unconsciously raising a pitch, oozing obvious guilt. Her just‑cooled cheeks blushed red all over again.

"Yes!" Lin Li refused to back down an inch. "I saw you purse your lips! And now you’re trying to play dumb?"

"We’re literally at another school, Yingying, okay! My dear Yingying, okay! Have you no shame!"

"I said no already! You saw wrong!"

Being stuck with this kind of "false charge," Chen Yu Ying was now half‑angry half‑embarrassed, and started laying into her boyfriend.

There was a time when Chen Yu Ying, in a state of extreme rage, stayed extremely pissed for an entire afternoon. Very terrifying.

Too bad Lin Li’s defense stat is nicknamed Little Zhoubao; she couldn’t even scratch his armor.

"But since you wanted it, actually I—"

"I didn’t want it!" Chen Yu Ying scooted a step to the side, pulling open some distance from Lin Li. At the same time she spotted a savior, immediately jerking her chin toward the space behind Lin Li: "And you’re not allowed to keep talking about this. Chen Tianming is here!"

If the person in front of him were Bai Bufan, Lin Li would definitely grab his hand and then turn his head, just in case it was a bluff—say it and run.

But the person in front of him was Chen Yu Ying, so Lin Li very calmly chose to gently hold her hand, just in case it was a bluff—say it and run.

Mm, slandering Ying Bao aside, Chen Tianming actually had come, and when he saw Lin Li turn his head he was still waving at him: "Lin Li."

Lin Li waved back: "Tianming, fuck off!"

Chen Tianming: "?"

"I’m in the middle of flirting with the class rep over here, wait a bit! Go play by yourself first. This artificial lake is actually pretty suitable for drowning, you can give it a try. Or go cosplay a speed bump on the road, that works too. Anyway, wait a while!" Lin Li shouted.

"Oh oh, got it. I’ll wait till you’ve finished flirting to call me." Chen Tianming turned around and left.

Lin Li turned back. "Let’s continue."

Chen Yu Ying: "?"

She’d underestimated the bonds between the boys in the back row of her class.

...

Sadly, no matter how strong the bond, it was useless. Chen Yu Ying firmly rejected the ranked flirting queue invite her boyfriend had sent.

Her "punches and kicks" were way easier to dodge than Ding Sihan’s. After fooling around a bit, Chen Yu Ying said she was going to the bathroom, while Lin Li walked over to Chen Tianming, who had already slipped to the opposite bank and was staring at the artificial lake.

"Holy crap, Lin Li—"

Noticing Lin Li coming over, Chen Tianming waved him closer, pointed at the ripples on the lake, and said viciously:

"I’m pissed off. The fish in this lake just spat water at me, twice even. I’m kind of done with this. I’m gonna spit back. You help me keep watch, don’t let me get caught by any student or teacher from Pingjiang."

Lin Li glanced at the water. There really were a few fish swimming around. He rubbed his chin and asked very seriously:

"Tianming, did you just go pee?"

Chen Tianming froze at that: "Huh? Why’d you suddenly jump to that—yeah, I just finished peeing. You need to go?"

"Then it all makes sense." Lin Li snapped his fingers, face full of "I see." Then he smiled and said to Chen Tianming:

"Let me give you a little science lesson."

"The fish in this lake are called archerfish. They’re pretty common in subtropical regions. They spit water to attack small insects, using the water bullets to knock them into the water, and then they eat them."

"It must be that when you were peeing into the lake just now, it mistook what it saw for a tiny little caterpillar, so it attacked you."

"It’s just animal instinct. Don’t hold it against the poor thing. Cut it some slack."

Lin Li patted Chen Tianming on the shoulder, quietly offering comfort.

Chen Tianming: "(;☉_☉)?"

Bro, what the fuck.

"You asshole, Lin Li!" Chen Tianming stared for a moment, then laughed angrily. "What kind of bullshit explanation is that?!"

"When I said I just went to the bathroom, I meant I stopped by the bathroom on the way here! Who the hell told you I was peeing into the artificial lake! When did that dumb fish ever get the chance to see my tiny little caterpillar?!"

"Hold up!" After saying that, Chen Tianming suddenly felt something off. "Who the hell told you I was a tiny little caterpillar?!"

"Even if I did pee here I wouldn’t get shot by water‑spitting fish!!"

"What fish out there would dare eat an African python!!"

Lin Li calmly listened to Chen Tianming’s roar. Once he finished that last line, Lin Li shook his head, steady as a rock: "I don’t buy it. Not unless you pee right now to prove it."

Chen Tianming: "..."

So we’re just skipping the whole "provoke him into doing it" act now.

Chen Tianming suddenly understood why Lin Li had said this artificial lake was pretty suitable for drowning people. Yeah, he really was having trouble resisting the urge to add another corpse to the depths.

Forget it. For the sake of not knowing when Chen Yu Ying might show up, he decided to spare her boyfriend.

"Pingjiang Middle School is actually pretty big. Lin Li, what are you and the class rep gonna do next? Walk around campus? Together?"

Leaning against the railing by the lake, Chen Tianming lightly kicked Lin Li’s calf and asked.

"The class rep and I were just wandering around and ended up sitting here. But it’s pretty comfy here. The bench fits two people perfectly, and the spot beside it is just right for one mutt to squat. Suits the three of us great. Let’s just keep sitting and resting for a while." Lin Li replied casually.

This kind of attack didn’t even count as an attack anymore; Chen Tianming couldn’t be bothered to swear. He only tried to persuade him: "Quit sitting around. Let’s go walk the whole place together. If you keep sitting, you’re gonna get hemorrhoids."

"Heh, me? Hemorrhoids? Heh." Lin Li let out a snort, everything said without words.

"Don’t brush hemorrhoids off, Lin Li. You’re already a grown‑ass Old Deng. Studies show that in our country, among people over 18, about 49.14% suffer from hemorrhoids. ’Nine out of ten people have ’rhoids’ isn’t a joke. You gotta start taking precautions early."

To talk sense into Lin Li, Chen Tianming went full old‑doctor mode.

But Lin Li remained brimming with confidence. He straightened up: "Heh heh, I’m definitely gonna be one of the remaining 50.86% hemorrhoid enjoyers!"

Chen Tianming: "(;☉_☉)?"

When the phrase "hemorrhoid enjoyer" came out, Chen Tianming felt like all the folds in his brain got ironed flat.

"How the hell are you reading that study conclusion? It’s not saying that out of a hundred people who already have hemorrhoids, 49 think it’s torture and 51 think it’s pleasure. It’s saying out of a hundred humans total, 49 will get hemorrhoids and only 51 can dodge the bullet!!"

Chen Tianming ranted.

But after he ranted, Lin Li instead looked at him with this "you surprise me" expression:

"Isn’t that obvious? That’s how normal people would understand it. Tianming, what are you even talking about?"

"Then why did you say ’hemorrhoid enjoyer’?" Chen Tianming was dumbfounded.

Lin Li: "I never said hemorrhoid enjoyers enjoy their own hemorrhoids."

Chen Tianming: "?"

"Hemorrhoids are QQ‑bouncy, fragrant and soft, they add extra texture. That’s really enjoyable,"

Lin Li looked up at the sky, eyes pure, as if describing something beautiful. His words were devout:

"A so‑called hemorrhoid enjoyer is all those people who don’t have hemorrhoids. Not only do they not have to suffer the itching torment of hemorrhoids, they can also enjoy other people’s hemorrhoids. Hemo‑door. A‑men."

Fuck.

It’s Wang Ze.

Chen Tianming took a deep breath.

He was seriously considering the feasibility of climbing over the railing, diving in, and leaving this world by voluntary drowning.

Chen Tianming suddenly understood the Maya people.

If he saw people like this, saying things like this, in some prophecy, if it were him, he’d also think the world was ending.

"Why’d you go quiet, Tianming? I’ll wait for you to turn eighteen, okay? By then you gotta tell me whether you’re an enjoyer or a sufferer." Lin Li asked with concern.

Chen Tianming sagged against the railing and waved a hand:

"Lin Li, before the class rep gets here, I don’t want to talk to you anymore."

"I need the class rep to show up so your human skin suit stays zipped up a little tighter."

Given:

Chen Yu Ying + Lin Li = human + pseudo‑human

Chen Yu Ying = spices + sugar + every beautiful thing

Lin Li = the slop leftovers Bao Wei wouldn’t eat + Wang Ze’s hemorrhoids + Xue Jian’s bunny‑girl outfit + Bai Bufan + the crystallization of Sun Xiaochuan and Dong Xueling

Chen Yu Ying’s special effect: can be activated when present, restricting (some of) Lin Li’s actions.

Based on the above conditions,

Please answer—

How many pounds and how many pence is the shirt?