Chapter 123: If Lucien Were Here
Rowan looked at me intensely. He said nothing, and his expression did not visibly change one bit. Yet, somehow, he looked to me as though he was a puppy that I had just kicked to the curb.
He came forward, closing the distance between us, and I felt my breath catch in my throat. His mark on my neck tingled, and I gritted my teeth, refusing to let him see that his presence could affect me so much.
"Briar," he said, my name leaving his tongue in a breathy murmur. I swallowed, my throat feeling increasingly dry.
"Leave," I insisted, stepping away from him so as to widen the gap between us. I refused to let his presence influence me into making a decision I would regret once he was gone. "There’s nothing I want from you. Did I not make things clear enough?"
"But we had a child together," Rowan said, his voice sounding wretched with pain. He took a step closer to me, and I stepped back again. "And I―"
"The child might not even necessarily be yours," I said, shrugging. I tried to pretend to be as nonchalant as I could, even though the topic still caused pinpricks in my heart.
On the other hand, Rowan’s expression visibly darkened.
"What do you mean?" he asked. He took another step forward. The closeness between us caused my senses to be assaulted by his presence. "Who else could it be?"
"Soren," I plainly stated. Rowan flinched ever so slightly, but I caught the look of surprise that danced across his face. "What?" I asked, taunting him. I couldn’t deny― it did bring me a streak of satisfaction watching his lost expression. "Don’t tell me you didn’t know?"
Rowan was quiet for a second, but he pursed his lips and nodded. The action was stunted, almost as though he was fighting with himself, desperately wanting to deny it, despite knowing it would be nothing more than a futile attempt at lying.
"But still," Rowan said. "It could’ve been ours."
"And you did the equivalent of smothering it in the crib, I suppose," I interrupted acerbically. "Save your pity party for someone who cares about your guilt. Nothing can change what you’ve done to me, nor make up for it. Now leave, before the very sight of you causes me to puke out what little I ate."
It was not an empty threat. The medication and vitamins that Samuel prescribed had not arrived, and my stomach was still feeling lingering pangs of pain. All I wanted to do was curl up into a ball on my bed, but of course, Rowan wouldn’t even grant me this much.
Rowan swallowed, and he reached out for my shoulders. I flinched, shrugging out of his hold and stepping aside. The nausea was growing stronger by the second.
Rowan looked like he wanted to say something more, but he didn’t get the opportunity. My mouth opened as I wanted to yell at him to scram, but what came out was more vomit.
It splattered all over Rowan’s body. If I had enough energy left in me, I would cackle at the shell-shocked expression of disgust that he had. No one in his lifetime had ever done something so disgusting to him.
"Even my body can’t stand you," I couldn’t help but choke out, shaking my head.
I didn’t think I had anything left in my stomach to hurl, but my body clearly had a few surprises up its sleeve.
"You’d better leave before I do it again," I said threateningly, but my earlier energy was gone. Now, I was simply exhausted, feeling my body weaken from the exertion. It was getting harder to stand upright to stare Rowan down.
I just wanted him to be gone.
"You should rest," Rowan said finally, his tone surprisingly gentle. I guessed I must truly look like death if he didn’t explode and send me back to the omega quarters for spewing puke all over him.
I thought he would finally leave to scrub himself clean, but to my surprise, he reached for me.
"What are you doing? Don’t touch me!" I exclaimed.
"Get to bed," Rowan said.
I realized he, in his puke-stained glory, had decided to guide me to the bed. Despite doing so, he was careful not to touch me where there was puke on his body, making sure that only his clean hands reached for me.
He continued to stare at me, gesturing to it. "Go and rest, I’ll wake you up when Samuel returns with the vitamins and some food."
Huh?
I blinked in disbelief, wondering if Rowan had been replaced with a clone when I wasn’t looking. Technically, he had three brothers, but I knew all of them wouldn’t have acted this nonchalantly about being doused in vomit.
Well. Lucien might.
I felt a soft pang in my heart, and I sighed quietly to myself.
If Lucien were here, I had a feeling he wouldn’t have fed me food that would have caused me to make myself sick. Even if he did, he would have friends around him who would advise him against doing so. The Alphas, on the other hand, had put themselves so high up on the pedestal that no one dared to question their decisions.
More than that, he wouldn’t have made me get rid of a child― his child, no matter how ill-equipped a rogue pack was for raising children.
If Lucien were here, he would have raised hell after finding out what had happened to me under their thumb. The time we spent together was too short for me to tell him about all I endured under their hands, and truthfully, I didn’t want to spend that precious time harping on bad memories when I could spend it making better ones with him.
Now, those memories were all I had. I turned away from Rowan’s eyes and huddled myself under the blankets, making sure to keep my back against him. My breath came out in a watery sigh, and I blinked back the tears that were threatening to form.
Where was Lucien? He had to be alive because the alternative was too painful to think about. Even if I didn’t have a wolf, I believed I would be able to feel his presence within my very soul. It was impossible for him to die, and for me to not know anything about it.
Rowan continued to stand there. I closed my eyes.
"Just go," I said. "I don’t want anything from you anymore."
There was a long, pregnant pause, before I heard the sound of Rowan’s footsteps walking away. The sound of the door gently closing resounded across the room, followed by the soft click of the lock moving into place.
I let the first tear roll down my cheek.
***
When I woke up, it was night again. I was more tired than I thought.
I rubbed my eyes and looked around. The room had been restored to its pristine state, but once again, there were new covered dishes on top of the table, along with several bottles. Warily, I got up and took a closer look.
It was a prescription from Samuel. He had helpfully included a list with every single vitamin that I lacked, how many tablets I needed to take, as well as how often I needed to take them. Most of them needed to be eaten after food.
I raised my hand and removed the cloche from the first tray. On it was a bowl of clear broth, and inside floated slices of boiled chicken. Unbidden, my mouth began to water when I smelled the aroma drifting off it, and then I remembered my mouth still tasted like vomit.
Quickly, I brushed my teeth, and then I began to eat.
It was hard to keep my sips small when all I wanted to do was to guzzle the entire thing like a man dying of thirst in the desert. The soup was still warm, and when I felt it hit my stomach, it felt like I was being embraced with a loving hug. I ate all of the chicken, too, before taking the vitamins.
Now, I felt better than I ever did, other than the time when I was with Lucien. I wiped my mouth clean. It was high time for me to get back to examining the reasons for Willow’s sickness.
Making sure the tea leaves were tucked safely into my pocket, I decided to make my way to the infirmary to steal― correction, temporarily borrow some equipment.
I scurried over to the door before pushing down on the handle. Surprisingly, the door opened. I was sure that Rowan had locked it when he left me earlier, but the servants must’ve forgotten to lock the door behind them after sending the latest food delivery.
I peered out the door. Luckily, none of the triplets were lying in wait, ready to punish me for puking on Rowan’s esteemed body. I quickly made my way down the corridor, making sure to keep my steps as light as possible.
Turning the corner, I quickly ducked behind a large vase when I heard footsteps coming from the other end of the corridor. In the dark of the night, a figure suddenly came into view. He looked back and forth carefully, stopping in his tracks when he noticed something.
At the same time, my eyes widened with surprise.
Ralph?