I'm still alive

I got up at dawn and headed for the distribution center with the old man. When I combined the meal ticket that Eun-te's glasses gave me that day and the meal ticket that I received after finishing the search team activity, I easily passed 100 cards. But strangely enough, I didn't feel like I had a lot of money. Oh, I guess I can eat this much.

Poked his hand in his pocket, he slowly headed for the distribution center. And when I arrived at the distribution center, the door of the distribution center was not even opened, let alone the people in line. Am I too early? I crouched down with the old man next to the closed distribution center and slowly spat out my breath.

The party was in a bad mood last night. Of course, women and children were excited, but the overall mood was down because the men who had been to the search team looked depressed. This was especially true when she brought her grandmother's body and man's bones to the hospital.

Even I felt bad, so I skipped dinner and went into my room to write a report. I didn't eat, so the party didn't go to get a separate ration. I was so sorry for it that I woke up at dawn and came to the distribution center.

Dawn rises through the smoke of the cigarette smoke. The number of humans has decreased, but the sky is as clean as it gets. I took a deep breath, looking up at such a clear sky. Cockroaches in Grey City, ready to crawl today.

The distributor's door is open. And the tired-looking women began to move things busily. We looked at those women and looked around at them at the same time. Won't the groups that made a quarrel with us that day come?

I looked around for a long time, but they didn't show up until the distribution began. I felt lucky not to have a useless dispute and the old man seemed to be disappointed. He changes his expression quickly when he pokes him in the back.

'Oh, you guys are here early.’

A lady who came out of the distribution center with a barrel greeted me brightly. The face was tinged with fatigue, but I feel a little bit of affection from the way he greeted me brightly. I handed over the meal tickets I had brought to my aunt and got a ration.

The ration was worse than I thought. Soybean paste soup with two potatoes and almost no hayseed per person. Of course, there were a lot of people who couldn't even eat this at the moment, but it was a shame compared to the food they used to eat at the mart. And when I thought of children who are growing up for a long time, I even felt repulsed

I was worried that lunch and dinner would be so shabby. So when I asked the lady who distributed the rations, she shook her head violently as if it was never the case. To save food, he has said that he distributes it once a day in this way and controls it so that two people can eat one meal ticket.

If so, I'm glad but I decided to think after looking at the lunch and dinner menu. My child, my party, wanted to feed him good food. Instead of rationing, they may have to cook or bring food from the mart.

I put two potatoes in my pocket and sent the old man to his quarters first. It's still too early to work, but I had to arrive a little earlier than others for the report I wrote yesterday. The old man grumbled, saying the food was heavy, but soon walked toward the accommodation.

I looked away at the old man, stroking the warmth of the potatoes in my hands.

* * * * *

The tent next to the distribution center was crowded early in the morning. And in front of the tent, there was a barrel of wood firewood on fire, and I quickly approached there and melted my frozen body. And at that moment, the tent door opened and Kim Hye-jung walked out.

'......you came early?’

I scratched my shabby back hair and took the report out of my bag. Then he handed it to Kim Hye-jung and chewed on a potato he took out with him. Still warm potatoes meet empty stomachs and break deliciously on the tongue.

I heard a rustle next to me. Kim Hye-jung seemed to read the report on the spot where she received it. In fact, writing a report wasn't that difficult. Just like the diary I'm writing now, I wrote down in detail what happened, what the results were, and what my subjective thoughts were like.

The whole time I ate the potatoes, she gave me a strange exclamation that didn't fit in, jarring my nerves. I glanced there, wondering if she was playing a prank, but she was reading the report seriously with a grim face. And by the time I finished eating the potatoes, she folded the report in half.

Are you really a soldier?’

I shook my head. Then she came up beside me, yawning tired yawns, and began to bask in the fire. I slipped aside because I felt burdened by her sudden approach, but she continued her words unconcernedly.

It's in line with the interview. Thank you for everything.’

Interview? He seemed to have talked to the family separately, as he did to us. When I heard the family's story, which had been bothering me since last night, I kept an expressionless face and asked her.

How's it going?’

She sighs deeply at my question. And recite quietly, looking at the flames burning with a bitter face.

'It's serious, especially in the mental.….’

She rubbed her hands slowly, blurring the end of her speech. I didn't see the situation in person. However, as I witnessed the preserved site, I could roughly predict what the situation was like at that time. I still can't forget the bones with flesh on them.

I couldn't tell you to get through it. A wound leaves a scar and despair leaves a remnant. The remnant will not go away no matter what. Only, only......... I just wanted you to live with it.

I stuffed the potatoes left in my pocket into my mouth. Then exhale loudly and shake off the thoughts left in your head. Soon the old man will come to the promised place. I'm going to pack up my equipment and weapons and start exploring again today.

I gave a small greeting to Kim Hye-jung and slowly moved away from the fire. But Kim Hye-jung, who was quietly watching me moving away, quietly called me up.

'Excuse me.

'What?'

I stopped walking when she called me. And when I looked back, I could see that the change in attitude she had shown since yesterday was not simply caused by a change of heart. She told me, untying her usual frown.

'I'm sorry for being so mean.’

I nodded, scratching my back of the head. He must have known that he was mean. I didn't know whether the reason was simple grudging or distrust, but I didn't care as much as a booger, so I accepted her apology purely.

There's something she looks capable of....... First of all, the team leader decided that there was nothing wrong with maintaining a good relationship with a person. I was so simply apologizing that I tried to turn around again that she caught me.

'Don't look back and listen. Do you remember the man who was arguing with your party at the guard post yesterday?’

I remember the man who was wearing unbecoming sunglasses and holding a dog poop form. When I think of the man who was openly arguing in front of a poor survivor, I still feel irritated and angry. She spoke quietly to me, referring to him.

'That's the man's team leader. Because you're on the search team, you're starting to pick a fight. So be careful of him. All right?

She was glancing behind me. Apparently, the reason why I shouldn't look back was because he was in the tower behind me. I whispered quietly to her, sensibly burning a different tune.

Is there a reason?’

Of course there must be a reason. There's no reason to pick a fight with me simply because I'm the leader of the combat team leader. There's been some sort of incident, or there's been a bad relationship between the search and the combat team, as she showed you. She answered with a firm expression.

It's a struggle....... you start to lose once and then you end up like this.’

She pointed to a shabby tent without a word. I looked at the tent and looked at the search team members waiting nearby. shabby clothes and poor weapons Compared to a combat team that stands guard nearby, it was a long way off.

This is a vicious circle. Poor equipment and untrained personnel eventually lead to the failure of the operation. And failure also means death. I began to understand why the rate of living was so low, and why she had such an attitude.

And at the same time, there were parts that I didn't understand.

Does the head of the organization know?’

The group leader, who had been watching for a short period of time, was a religious person who believed in doctrines. That's why I'm still on the search team and I've been trying to recruit myself. But when I opened the wrapping paper, the situation was not good.

The situation is not strange even if crude equipment and low life-rate search teams are dismantled immediately. Why is the head of the organization neglecting visible discrimination? Then she answered, with a visibly dark face, whether she understood what I meant.

'You don't know. The head of the group is a good man, but......... He's busy at the same time.’

I could fully understand the current situation. Eden was the place where people gathered, and most of the places where people gathered were similar. The factional strife, search and combat teams, which their bosses did not know, were engaged in an invisible war of nerves.

And in the constant war of nerves, the fighting and search teams thought the head of the group knew nothing. But it was a wrong idea and I could understand why the group leader wanted us so much.

'......he talks a lot at every meeting. The search team has to be gone..... that a combat team should do the job instead....... Uh, uh? Where are you going? Excuse me?'

I moved quickly before she could finish what she said. When I understood the whole situation, I felt like the scattered puzzles were in place. Then, with anxiety, the unknown problems that bothered me disappeared cleanly.

A set goal puts a firm nail in my heart.

Chae-yeon's face has become too bright. And now I'm calling myself Dad and starting to make myself clear. The group life with children of their age and the psychiatric treatment that started yesterday have already begun to pay off. I was so happy, so excited.

Chae-yeon's treatment should continue. In order to do so, Eden's schools and hospitals were essential, and in order to receive the benefits, I had to show the promised price to the group leader. When all the questions were solved, what the head of the group really wanted from me came to the surface.

I looked up and made eye contact with the team leader of the combat team, who was staring at me from the sentry. He stiffened his impression and picked up the radio and began to mutter.

'Is that the guy from yesterday?'

A harsh curse was heard.

It was the old man's voice.

The old man arrived earlier than he had promised. And Yongpal and Du-sik were walking slowly next to it, and the face and atmosphere that were about to die got much better during the night. Everyone was preparing for today, shaking off the shock in their own way.

The old man who came next to me stuck out my equipment. I accepted it with familiarity and began to arm myself on the spot. The bayonet, which is sharply divided, shines on my face and even remains on my nerves. Fill your thighs with a great sword heated with coldness.

What about Chae Yeon?

'I fed her and sent her to school.’

I nodded. And I opened the picture that Chae-yeon drew yesterday by taking it out from the diary. a commanding and handsome hero The man in this painting was a strong Superman who saved the weak. But the man who looked like a mirror to the Supreme Prosecutors' Office was just a man full of whiskers and weak.

The picture and mirror face each other like a backside.

I swallowed a bitter saliva and put the other side back in my arms.

The sharp nerves that pop out like an awl when you lift the crossbow tear apart the indolence and comfort. Arm and leg muscles began to expand and hot air began to rise from the inside. I walked like a preheated engine.