My Alleged Husband

Maybe my sorrow is because I’ve already seen through the ending—everything happened only because I loved you too much.

"Grandpa, I know every word you say makes sense, I also know every word you say is for my own good, and I understand even more that everything you do is for the sake of this family. But he’s my own son—how could I bear to watch him, eyes wide open, suffer like that just to train, just to prove to his grandparents that he’s a good kid, living so hard every day? Watching his training day after day, my heart as a mother is torn to pieces. He falls again and again, covered in bruises, yet he still has to grit his teeth, hold back his tears, get up and continue training. This doesn’t just happen once or twice—in a mother’s eyes that kind of pain cuts straight to the soul. No one can truly understand a mother’s love for her child. A father’s love and a mother’s love are different: a father’s love might be noble and selfless, but a mother’s love is selfish. I have to selfishly think for my son. I can’t just stand there and watch my son jump into the fire pit over and over again, I can’t do it. As soon as I see him hurt, the pain inside me is unbearable. I really want to rush in and put a stop to his training, but I can’t do that. A country has its laws, a family has its rules. This is the path he chose; he ought to bear the consequences himself. And he’s just a child—has he really done anything wrong?"

"Child, maybe you still don’t understand—even now, this isn’t about whether he’s right or wrong. It’s about whether this thing should be done this way at all. Since he chose to walk this road, then this road has to be finished by him alone. No one can help him, and no one can take his place in bearing it. Everyone chooses a different path, so naturally they bear different outcomes. Since he chose this kind of path, what reason do you have to regret it?"

"I know you feel sorry for your son—he’s my family too, how could I not feel sorry for him? But feeling sorry is one thing; there are rules that still cannot be broken. What needs to be done must be done. Don’t you understand?"

"Yes, seeing your child training so hard makes your heart ache and suffer, but have you ever thought that one day all this training will be good for him? He won’t be like before, helpless when he runs into difficulties. He’ll know what kind of help he needs. That’s very beneficial for a child’s growth. You can’t let your selfish mother’s love strip your son of his right to grow."

"If you think what I’m saying makes sense, then really think it over: what should you do to bring all of this to a peaceful close? I don’t even know what exactly has happened between you and your husband, but whatever it is, the two of you should try to look at it from the child’s perspective, shouldn’t you? The child isn’t that young anymore; he already knows right from wrong and can distinguish good from bad. If you two just give up on your child so easily, won’t your hearts ache, won’t you suffer, won’t you carry a lifetime of guilt?"

"Grandpa, to tell you the truth, one of my junior high classmates showed up again, and my husband has argued with me over this more than once. Do you think there’s still any need for me to go on living with him? I can’t bear it anymore. I can’t bear his repeated suspicion. You know that trust is the most important thing between a husband and wife—if there’s not even basic trust between us, what’s the point of living together?"

"I also understand that for him, as a man, there are some things that touch on his dignity as a man. But does that mean that I, as a woman, have no dignity? Does my heart not hurt? Every time he suspects me again and again, where does that put me? Has he ever considered how I feel inside? What I want really isn’t much. For me, having the whole family living together happily is enough. But to him, that seems like I’m asking for too much, that I’m being greedy. He has never once considered what it is that I truly want; he always forces his own ideas onto me relentlessly. Do you think that’s fair to me? When I can’t even get basic fairness, why should I keep working myself to the bone in this home, living with him like this?"

"I know it’s also because I’m a commoner that many people think I married him just for his money. But when I search my heart, I know I have never coveted his wealth. On this point, no matter where I go, I have a clear conscience. I never cared how much money he could give me. What I cared about was whether I could spend my life with the man I loved. Yet in the end I discovered that no matter how much I loved him back then, we still can’t make it to the end together."

"Grandpa, do you understand that feeling of not being able to live, yet not being able to die either? Do you understand what it’s like to be insulted again and again by your own family? Maybe you’ve never had to endure that, but I really can’t take this kind of blow anymore. No matter how much I love him, I can’t endure a man—my own husband—using words over and over to humiliate my dignity as a person, while I still have to resign myself to spending the rest of my life with him."

Old Master Zhang had no idea what exactly his grandson had said to make his granddaughter-in-law this angry. Maybe things weren’t as simple as he had imagined. But why did they have to make such a scene with each other? This was clearly something that could be turned from a big issue into a minor one, then quietly resolved—what’s the point of dragging it out like this?

"Child, as a mother, at the very least she should be able to sacrifice everything for her son!

Isn’t it true that people everywhere under heaven are willing to give up everything for their children? If you’re willing to give up all your dignity for your son, how could your husband possibly not care about you? He suspects you so much only because he cares too much about you. He himself has no sense of security; he’s afraid of losing you. Trust between husband and wife is mutual—if you respect him, he will also respect you and your son. Once either side does something that betrays the other, there will definitely be conflict between them. You understand these principles, don’t you?"

Think about it carefully. If you still feel that leaving is what suits you best, then if you leave, Grandpa absolutely won’t stop you. But Grandpa also hopes you’ll think clearly: you still have a five-year-old child at home waiting for you. Can you really bear to leave?"

I’m still running after loneliness, do you know that? I used to show you off in front of everyone, but now I can only let myself become like this.