My Alleged Husband

Every change makes me experience a different transformation, but it’s still not what I want.

"Since you’ve already said it yourself, that man told you directly that he has no feelings for you anymore. But why do you still stubbornly want to be with him?

Is it because I treat you poorly, or because I’m inferior to her? Is it that I’m not good-looking, or have I wronged you in some way? Why do you do these heartless things to me?

Is it that in your heart, you’ve never considered me your husband? Is our family’s safety so insignificant in your eyes? Where do you place your family? Since you chose to organize a family with me back then, you must be responsible for this family. What are we to you, pawns to be used or discarded at will?"

Zhang Zhentian truly becomes more furious the more he thinks about it. He never thought his wife would become like this one day.

He doesn’t understand how the lively and cheerful woman in front of him has turned into this? Why does everything he say mean nothing to him? Everything he does is wrong?

Maybe I don’t know. When someone stops loving another, no matter how much they care, it makes no difference. Even if they seem to have him in their heart, ultimately, it’s nothing.

"Don’t say that. I was really happy, truly happy during the time I was with you. You once gave me everything I wanted and asked me to go to any lengths. But did you ever think about what kind of life I truly want? What kind of ending will we have together? The outcomes of our unilateral decisions blocked my life time and again!

Have you ever thought about what kind of life I want? I live every day in unbearable pain. Who has ever given me the happiness I want? I wrestle with illness and torment repeatedly, wishing for the life I want, but in the end, what have you given me?

I once asked him if he could continuously cry and smile for me, but ultimately, I got nothing in return. Each time I hugged him from behind, you don’t know how much my heart cursed the pain. It was so painful, really painful. I wanted to hold him forever and never let go. I wanted time to stay frozen in that moment, but does heaven really notice me? Not at all!

When I hugged him, I prayed in my heart time and again, asking heaven to let time flow slower or stop forever at that moment, never to move on. But it never does. When I look up, I find time has passed, and he turns away, leaving me alone waiting in the same spot forever. Do you know how lonely and desperate I am? Who can really understand?

You might think one shouldn’t be so selfish, but do you understand how simple my wish is? As long as I can stay by his side, I don’t care about anything else.

All these years, I’ve always considered others, but ultimately, what have I received? In my heart, that’s a failure. No matter how much I’ve considered for others, what am I in their eyes?

I disregarded the torture of illness and chose to be with him. All I want is to see him smile occasionally, even if my heart bleeds. As long as he smiles, I can still be happy.

Perhaps you think I’m foolish and naive for doing this, but do you know this is true love? At this moment, I don’t need him to feel any emotions for me or put his heart on me. It’s enough for me to give him my love and my heart. Regardless of whether I get hurt or end up with lifelong happiness, as long as I have no regrets, it’s enough. I’ve already lost him many times, and this time, I truly don’t want to lose him again. If I lose him again, I don’t even know how long I can keep on living..."

Zhang Zhentian never thought his wife’s love for that man could go so deep that she would disregard her own life. In his eyes, what does he, the husband, count for? Just a repeated emotional anchor? Is it really just emotional transference?

"I never imagined you could love him so profoundly that you’re willing to forgo everything for him, even your own life. Why can’t you do this once for me? I remember when we were together, you pretended to love me so passionately. At that moment, I really thought I’d stepped into a paradise of happiness, but in the end, I realized it was just the start of hellish pain!

Even if you don’t want to be with me in this lifetime, even if I’m not truly in your heart, can’t you consider my feelings? I just want to live a healthy, happy life in this lifetime, even just a bit, but have I ever been happy over the years? No, I’ve run everywhere for you, wandered the world. I gave up my entire family for you, enduring the pain of yearning for you.

I clearly know my father is waiting for his son to come home to see him. I clearly know my father is there, eagerly waiting for us to return home.

But all these things, for your happiness, I’ve chosen to pretend I don’t know anything. Do you know how desperate I am? Do you know how much my father is suffering? You’ve never considered what kind of life we truly want. Every decision you make in the end is just for your own self-interest!

Isn’t the truly selfish person really you? Don’t you have any awareness of the things you’ve done?

Stop dreaming that others will forgive you, because what you’ve done makes it impossible for anyone to forgive you in their lifetime. You’ll live in your pain forever, in your own world, never to come out again. You’ve already lost every chance to look back in this lifetime, you can never come back. You can only endure the torture of pain, repeatedly suffering, repeatedly heartbroken, but ultimately, it’s just your own doing!"

Joyful life always slips away unknowingly.