My Alleged Husband

Why have I become like this now, is this the self I wanted initially?

Life is like this, making me lose the things I cherish most time and again, only to realize in the end how much I cared about all of it. When I had them before, no one ever thought about the consequences of having them. Why is everyone always so selfish, always disregarding others’ comfort for their own desires?

In this lifetime, you will always encounter significant experiences, but in the end, everyone will only carry these pains. Some people give their all repeatedly for themselves, yet no one knows how they truly spend their lives.

Has anyone thought about how they’ve spent their lifetime? We always endure pain repeatedly. Has anyone considered how they should bear all this today? With one fatal blow after another, who knows of the latest suffering? During the day, I numb myself with work, but come night, what can numb me? The longing in my heart grows deeper day by day, to the point where I’ve become a walking ghost. I no longer know what I should gain. No one knows what kind of end I will endure in this life.

Maybe that’s what life is, enduring suffering only to experience separation from love in the end. But do I even know how I’ve lived this life? Time and again we are steamed in pain, and once again we receive so much hurt. Who knows what kind of harm they will get? Everyone lives like this, but eventually, still, with their actions, they plunge themselves into an abyss of pain for life. Everyone is like this, yet who knows what kind of life would satisfy them?

Many people are inherently greedy. Some can harm their dearest ones unscrupulously for their own benefits, yet some are willing to give everything for their happiest and most joyful ones repeatedly.

Zhang Zhentian truly doesn’t know how to console his wife. He knows his wife is now deeply entrenched in the abyss of pain, unable to extricate herself, with no one to save her. Time and again he is woken up by nightmares in the middle of the night; time and again did she decide to turn her life into that; time and again did he harm himself, only to wait for the person in his heart to look back at him, to accompany him even if just for a day. Are hearts really that fragile? Why are hearts so vulnerable to the wash of time, making all memories insignificant and fragile?

Xia Jing also understood what was in Zhang Zhentian’s mind. After all, married for so many years, how could they not share any thoughts, basic understanding being absent would make years of living together meaningless? Even if living together was not for affection in the end, the long years of marriage would still bring about some understanding. Often those who understand you most are not your friends, but your foes. You might not understand yourself, but do you know how well those around you understand you? They spent a lifetime’s effort to understand you, hoping to one day bring you down in one blow, utterly destroying you. Yet you don’t realize that their understanding could also be helping you. Hearts can never exchange for hearts. When one suffers harm and torment time and again, they realize that in the end, it’s all empty.

"Xia Jing, maybe whatever I say now will not get through to you, but I hope you know that no matter what, as your husband I would never hurt you.

Through all these years of devotion towards you, haven’t you felt anything? Through all these years, haven’t you felt any of what I sacrificed for you?"

"The greatest pain on earth is watching your loved ones leave you one by one, seeing them abandon you while you stand powerless. No one understands this pain in my heart over the years, who can truly experience and comprehend it? You all think of my selfish acts as merely caring about my own thoughts and feelings, disregarding others’ views on me, but do you even know? When faced with me repeatedly, how deeply I feel inside? When you repeatedly accuse me, how innocent I feel inside. I want to live happily too, but I have no way!

I’ve given so much for so long, but what do I have to show for it? I’ve given everything and receive only his indifference. Do you know how speechless I am within? So tired, sometimes I wish to close my eyes and never wake up again, to completely shut down, make it so I have no way of living happily ever again. I only wish to sleep forever without waking, but I open my eyes repeatedly, only to find I’m lost in a dark abyss. Do you know that darkness? Do you know that emptiness? No one does!"

"You always think your pain is the greatest in the world, that no one else can comprehend the suffering you’ve been through, but don’t you know? You’re not the only one who endures human pain. Who hasn’t gone through it? Who hasn’t chiseled their skills through pain repeatedly? Although all of this ultimately leaves you bruised and scarred, and devoid of happiness in life, but don’t you know how much I care, how much I wish you to stay by my side, just as you wish the one you love the most to stay by your side, I feel the same. In the deep darkness of the night, that loneliness and defeat cause my heart to crumble again and again..."

The experiences go unappreciated by others, but are something I’ve always stood by!