Chapter 209 - The Truth Behind Silence
Aoi had always thought herself a decent person reader.
It was one of the reasons why she had decided to pursue educational psychology.
She paid attention to nuances.
Changes in tone.
Expressions.
Odd silences.
Things people would say unconsciously.
However, with Kuro, she had realized that understanding someone could be rather tricky.
It all started on a typical Saturday.
Aoi had come to the library early and spotted Kuro talking to a girl close to their table.
It was a graduate student from another department.
She was smiling.
Kuro was smiling as well.
Aoi stopped in front of them before they noticed her presence.
Then she heard the girl say:
"You’re really nice, Kuro. I can totally understand how someone could fall for you."
Aoi’s heart clenched instantly.
Kuro awkwardly chuckled.
"I don’t think you should speak that way about it so casually."
The girl laughed.
Aoi silently backed off.
She had no idea why she had reacted in such a way.
There was no reason for her to feel jealous.
Kuro was not her boyfriend.
He had not even been the one she had confessed her feelings to.
They were just friends.
Study partners.
However, when she entered the library several minutes later, she could not look straight into his eyes.
Kuro noticed it instantly.
"Aoi?"
"I’m alright."
"You don’t seem alright."
"I’m just tired."
He observed her face.
Aoi opened her textbook.
"Let’s study."
Kuro did not contradict.
However, during the whole morning, something was wrong.
Aoi could not concentrate.
Whenever Kuro’s phone rang, she wondered whether it was that girl.
Whenever he smiled at the screen of his smartphone, Aoi’s stomach clenched.
Finally, Kuro closed his book.
"Aoi."
She raised her eyes.
"Yes?"
"Did I do something?"
"No."
"Then why have you been avoiding me?"
"I have not."
"You have not been looking at me for almost two hours."
Aoi froze.
However, Kuro’s expression was gentle.
It was not anger.
Just concern.
And this somehow made things even worse.
"I’m sorry," she whispered.
"For what?"
Aoi closed her notebook.
"I think I should leave."
She stood up.
Kuro grabbed the edge of the table, not her.
"Wait."
Aoi stopped.
"Is this about the girl you saw me talking to?"
Her eyes widened.
"...I don’t know what you’re talking about."
Kuro sighed.
"You do."
Aoi looked away.
Kuro continued quietly.
"Her name is Emi. She is doing a research project with my professor."
"Oh."
"And we were discussing counseling methods."
"Oh."
"And she is engaged."
Aoi’s head jerked up to look at him.
"Engaged?"
Kuro nodded.
"She was actually asking me for some advice about her fiancé."
Silence.
Aoi’s face turned red.
Kuro watched her realization come.
"So that’s what this was about."
"No."
"Aoi."
"I was not jealous."
"I did not say you were."
"Good."
"But you became very silent after seeing her."
"I was thinking."
"For two hours?"
Aoi covered her face.
"Please stop."
For the first time that morning, Kuro laughed.
Not loud.
Just a little bit, which made her peek between her fingers.
Then his expression became soft.
"Aoi."
She lowered her hands.
"I was not interested in her."
Her heart began pounding very fast.
Kuro continued.
"There isn’t anyone else."
Aoi could not say a thing.
He looked directly at her.
"The person I was looking forward to seeing each Saturday is you."
Aoi’s breath caught in her throat.
"The person I would like to talk to is you."
Her fingers curled round her notebook.
"And whenever something good happens..."
She swallowed.
"...you’re the first person I would like to share it with."
Kuro paused.
"I thought you understood."
Aoi stared at him.
"I did not."
"Apparently, not."
She laughed nervously.
Then her eyes became watery.
"Kuro..."
"Hm?"
"I’m not good at this."
"At what?"
"Expressing my feelings."
He smiled.
"I know."
Aoi took a deep breath.
Her heart was pounding so loudly that she was sure he could hear it.
"I like you."
Kuro became absolutely motionless.
Aoi instantly looked away.
"I mean..."
"I’ve liked you for a while."
"Maybe even longer than I thought."
Her voice became softer.
"I like studying with you."
"I like having coffee with you."
"I like walking home with you."
"And whenever you are not here..."
She swallowed again.
"...the library seems so empty."
Kuro’s expression softened.
Aoi looked at him.
"I think I fell in love with you somewhere between all those ordinary Saturdays."
For several seconds, Kuro was silent.
Aoi’s confidence started decreasing.
"Forget what I said."
She turned to go.
Kuro finally spoke.
"Aoi."
She stopped.
"I love you too."
Her eyes widened.
"You..."
"I’ve been trying to understand when our friendship turned into something more."
He smiled.
"I think it happened a long time ago."
Aoi stared at him.
Then she laughed.
It was a soft and relieving laugh.
"You could have told me."
"So could you."
"I was scared."
"So was I."
She smiled despite the embarrassment.
"So..."
"So?"
Aoi looked down.
"Are we... dating now?"
Kuro smiled.
"If you want to."
Aoi slowly reached out to grab his hand over the table.
Kuro looked at it.
Then took it gently.
Her fingers trembled.
His were motionless.
But somehow, grasping his hand calmed her down.
Outside, the students were moving around the university courtyard.
Inside the library, amidst those books which united them, two ex-classmates quietly started a new Chapter in their lives.
There were no fireworks above their heads.
There were no applauds from the crowd.
There was not a grand declaration either.
There were only two people holding hands over the table in the library.
And for Aoi, it was perfect.
Their relationship had never been built of dramatic moments.
It had grown of silence.
Of the books they had been reading.
Of coffee.
Of rain walks.
Of hundreds of ordinary moments when none of them had to say anything.
Finally, now they understood what the silence had been telling all along.
It was a few minutes after they confessed.
Neither of them knew what should be done next.
They were sitting opposite each other at the library table.
Their books were open.
There were scattered notes on the table.
Their coffee became cold.
Studying was the furthest thing on their minds right now.
Slowly Aoi lowered her gaze at their hands.
Kuro was still holding her hand.
She didn’t ask him to let go.
In fact, she quietly placed her fingers near his.
It was an unusual realization which made her cheeks warm.
"Kuro."
"Hm?"
"Are we really dating?"
Kuro looked at her.
"Yes."
"You’re sure?"
"Unless you changed your mind."
Immediately Aoi shook her head.
"No!"
A few students glanced at them.
Aoi froze.
She lowered her voice.
"I mean... no. I haven’t changed my mind."
Kuro smiled.
"I know."
Aoi looked at their hands.
"This seems so strange."
"Bad strange?"
"No."
She shook her head.
"Good strange."
Kuro understood her.
They spent several weeks sitting opposite each other and discussing books, researching, career and everything which filled their days.
Everything suddenly seemed strange.
How he held her hand.
How he smiled.
How he looked at her.
Even familiar library table.
Aoi slowly pulled back her hand.
Kuro didn’t stop her.
She immediately missed the warmth.
It was surprising.
She looked at him.
"...Can I?"
Kuro understood her.
He offered his hand.
Aoi carefully put hers into his.
This time she smiled.
"Better."
Kuro smiled softly.
---
Eventually, they left the library.
Neither of them was ready to go back to studying.
Out there afternoon sun took the place of rain which was falling last weekend.
Students were crossing campus with backpacks and coffee cups.
Aoi walked beside Kuro.
Occasionally their shoulders touched each other.
Each time when it happened, she became slightly aware of it.
Kuro noticed it.
"You’re nervous."
"I’m not."
"You are."
"You’re supposed to be supportive."
"I am."
"Then don’t notice."
He smiled.
"Okay."
Three more steps and Aoi quietly asked,
"Are you nervous too?"
Kuro stopped and answered,
"...A little."
Aoi looked at him.
"Really?"
"You’re not the only one who is experiencing this for the first time."
Her smile became softer.
Somehow it helped.
They were walking.
At the university café, Kuro opened the door for her.
Aoi walked inside and suddenly stopped.
"What?"
She pointed at the table.
"That one."
Kuro looked at it.
"The table where we first studied together."
Aoi nodded.
"Should we sit there?"
"Of course."
They ordered their usual drinks.
Black coffee for Kuro.
Coffee with one packet of sugar for Aoi.
When the cups came, Aoi stared at hers.
Then she smiled.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"You’re smiling."
"I know."
She took a sip of coffee.
"It’s just..."
She looked around the café.
"We used to sit here as friends."
"And now?"
Aoi hesitated.
"Now we’re..."
She couldn’t finish her thought.
Kuro calmly finished the sentence.
"Boyfriend and girlfriend."
Aoi almost choked on her coffee.
"Kuro!"
"What?"
"You can’t just say it like that!"
"Why not?"
"Because..."
Her face became red.
He laughed.
Aoi narrowed her eyes at him.
"You’re enjoying this."
"A little."
"You’ve changed."
"I haven’t."
"You definitely have."
She tried to look annoyed.
It lasted approximately three seconds.
Then she started laughing too.
The awkwardness gradually disappeared.
---
As the afternoon turned into evening, they left the café and walked towards the station.
Aoi noticed something.
Kuro had slowed down his pace.
She looked down.
Their hands were almost touching each other.
Almost.
She hesitated.
Then she carefully brought her hand closer.
Their fingers touched each other.
Kuro glanced at her.
Aoi looked straight ahead.
Neither said anything.
Kuro intertwined his fingers with hers.
Her heart skipped.
She smiled.
This time she didn’t try to hide it.
"You’re getting brave," Kuro said.
"Don’t ruin it."
"Sorry."
They continued walking hand in hand.
At the station entrance, Aoi stopped.
"This is where we’ll part."
"Yeah."
Neither of them moved.
Aoi looked at the train platform.
Then at Kuro.
"Next Saturday?"
Kuro smiled.
"Definitely."
She nodded.
Then she surprised herself.
Aoi leaned forward and kissed his shoulder briefly.
Kuro became motionless.
Her voice was barely audible.
"Just for a second."
He smiled at her.
"Take your time."
She stood there for a moment.
Then she pulled away feeling embarrassed.
"Goodbye."
"Goodbye, Aoi."
She walked towards the station.
A few steps later she turned back.
Kuro was still standing there.
He waved at her.
She waved back.
Only after she entered the station did she allowed herself to smile broadly.
She spent months thinking that love would be frightening.
Instead it turned out to be surprisingly familiar.
Like sitting beside someone in a library.
Like sharing coffee.
Like walking under an umbrella.
Like meeting someone who makes you feel perfectly comfortable in this world.
And somewhere between these mundane events, Aoi found the answer to her question.
She fell in love with Kuro not because he changed her world.
She fell in love because he made her feel perfectly comfortable in it.
That evening when Aoi returned home, she placed her university bag beside the desk.
Her phone vibrated.
A message from Kuro.
Did you get home safely?
Aoi stared at the screen.
A smile appeared.
She typed:
Yes. You?
His answer came quickly.
Just got home.
She hesitated before writing one more sentence.
Today was nice.
She deleted it.
Wrote again.
Today was really nice.
She deleted it too.
Finally she wrote:
I’m happy we finally said it.
She sent the message before she could overthink it.
Kuro replied quickly:
Me too. Good night, girlfriend.
Aoi’s face turned red.
"Kuro!"
She buried her face in her pillow and laughed.
For the first time, the word didn’t seem strange.
It seemed right.