The Most Random System

Yangliang, Mouse, Old Wen: "Absolutely not!!!"

Tragic.

Turns out they’re the real team.

I’m the one getting iced out here.

Lin Li could only aggrievedly leave the interrogation room and walk to the entrance of the Demon Suppression Bureau.

The security guard glanced at the gloomy young man Lin Li with a black stocking on his head, then glanced again, then again again, and then stopped looking.

He sent a message to Stool and got the reply that they were about to arrive.

He asked about the situation in the van, and unfortunately, neither Stool nor Yan Aosong had Lin Li’s sort of leisurely mood to chat with suspects. After Yan Aosong finished replying to Mouse and Old Wen’s messages for Old Liu, he directly revealed his identity and arrested Old Liu.

What a pity. Lin Li had thought he’d get to watch another round of that same kind of collapse and despair that had just been on Mouse and Old Wen’s faces.

Instead it was Stool who, after learning what Lin Li had done on his way back—talking Mouse and Old Wen into believing they were placentas—felt he was shockingly godlike, and regretted not being there in person.

Very soon, a van with its deceleration lights on drove over from the intersection and stopped at the gate.

Li Sheng had informed him of the license plate number, and Lin Li, who’d remembered it, also saw Yan Aosong in the driver’s seat, so he immediately walked up with a smile.

The van immediately started up again.

The van began reversing.

The van drove off.

Lin Li: "?"

I haven’t gotten in yet, I haven’t gotten in the van!!

The van stopped again.

The van started up again.

The van charged straight toward Lin Li.

Lin Li: "?"

This shit means I have to wait even longer.

...

"Sorry, Lin Li, Uncle saw someone coming up with a black stocking on his head and thought it was a jailbreak rescue for the suspect. I got a little scared, so I drove off." As Yan Aosong walked into the Demon Suppression Bureau with the third member of the crew, he explained to Lin Li.

Lin Li: "..."

You’d better be.

The door to the interrogation room was half open. Yan Aosong pushed it wider and saw Yangliang and Xiao Fang sitting behind the interrogation table. Yan Aosong shoved Old Liu inside, lifted his chin toward Yangliang, and spoke:

"Yangliang, here’s your guy, and the van and all the other evidence are out in the courtyard in the van. I didn’t pull the key; it’s still in the door. Just twist it and you’re good. I’m handing it all over to you guys, yeah?"

"It’s already pretty late. I’ll take these two kids home first, alright?"

"Works." That was exactly what Yangliang wanted, so he nodded immediately.

Yan Aosong turned and glanced once at Lin Li and Stool, who were chatting outside the door, and the corner of his mouth twitched.

Because Lin Li was asking Stool whether he’d been interrogated by him in the van, asking whether Stool had betrayed that unmentionable tangled karmic bond between him and Lin Li, and whether he’d properly kept the secret buried in his stomach.

After a round of rock-solid show of loyalty from Stool, during which he declared that unless they were on some peninsula, there was and would only ever be one sun in his heart, and that was Brother Bufan, Lin Li nodded in satisfaction and casually explained that he actually had a childhood name called Lin Li, but that childhood name was kind of hard to say out loud, so when he’s out and about it’s more suitable to call him Bufan. Stool bobbed his head like a pecking chicken, saying he totally understood and respected that.

This conversation was really far removed from what humans sound like.

Sigh, better just send the two of them back.

"Let’s go."

Once Yan Aosong stepped out of the interrogation room, Yangliang glanced at the file, then looked up at Old Liu and said:

"Liu... Qiuguo, right? Here, you go out with Wen Niu and wait outside first. We have to interrogate one by one."

In fact, the case tonight was very straightforward. There were both witnesses and physical evidence. Lin Li still kept his habit of wearing a "law enforcement recorder" whenever he was out doing very bad good deeds, so even if the three wanted to coordinate their stories, there wasn’t much they could actually dispute.

But interrogation protocol requires that you can only question one person at a time, and the others can’t be present. The interrogation room has surveillance, and the work has to be properly documented, so they couldn’t slack on it.

The three had basically fully accepted their fate already, especially Mouse and Old Wen—the light was gone from their eyes now. So there was no more arguing or resisting; better to perform a little better. Old Wen stood up and, without any Demon Suppression Envoy escorting him, walked out of the room of his own accord.

"We’re police officers from Sanqiao, and we’re going to question you in accordance with the law. Please answer truthfully."

"Alright."

Old Liu could hear, just before the door closed, that behind the interrogation table the older Demon Suppression Envoy posed the first interrogation question—

"First question: do you really think the name Yangliang sounds awful?"

Old Liu froze. If his hands weren’t handcuffed, he’d have scratched his head.

What kind of question is that?

What does it have to do with the crimes the three of them committed tonight?

Why would he ask that?

"What the fuck?"

—Old Liu suddenly jumped in fright, because his "good friend" next to him was acting really weird.

Looking at Old Wen, who’d gone stiff beside him, Old Liu asked with concern, "Old Wen, what’s up with you, why’re you suddenly sweating buckets? Come on, if we get caught, we get caught, it’s not like we haven’t done time before. Just a shame we’ll be spending New Year’s in the detention center."

Old Wen: "It’s not that, TAT..."

Might be more than just this New Year on the line...

It’s a boomerang, a damn boomerang!!!

That naturally evil little brat Lin Li!! He actually planted a mine back in that earlier conversation!!

...

"Lin Li, it’s almost New Year."

"Happy New Year, Uncle Yan."

"...That’s not what I meant... Mm, or maybe that is what I meant, thank you for the blessing, but I hope you’re not just saying it, I hope your body acts like it too."

Since Stool’s house was closer, Yan Aosong had dropped Stool off first. Right now he was driving Lin Li back to the old neighborhood where the incident happened—Lin Li’s bike was still parked over there.

Yan Aosong wanted to speak but held back, held back but wanted to speak.

Just thinking about how during winter break Lin Li would have free time every single day made Yan Aosong feel like he was sitting on needles.

"I’ll do my best." Lin Li gave him a genial smile.

Honestly, Uncle Yan was preaching to the wrong target this time. In reality, if he went and converted Stool, that might actually work better than trying to persuade Lin Li himself.

"And seriously, Uncle, it’s not necessary for you guys to make time to go out with me every single time. If you really need this kind of ’performance record’, then fine, whatever, but when you don’t, you should rest when you’re supposed to rest. When the time comes I’ll just call 110 and have the Demon Suppression Envoy who’s actually on duty at that hour come over. No need for it to always be you guys showing up in the middle of the night to deal with it."

"That’s not really a problem..." Yan Aosong waved his hand. "Forget it, pretend I never tried to talk you out of it."

Out of conviction, comp time, performance stats, or simply not wanting some new Demon Suppression Envoy to fall victim to Lin Li’s poison claws, Yan Aosong finally felt that... step by step, who but me? If I don’t go to Hell, Hell will be empty, lonely, and cold.

The car finally arrived at the old neighborhood.

"So you’re driving yourself home? I won’t escort you then. Just send me a WeChat when you get home so I know you made it back safe, that’s enough. And don’t wait for me to reply, it’s not that late yet, go to bed early."

Yan Aosong’s mouth twitched.

Because,

that sentence had just come out of one of the two mouths between Lin Li and Yan Aosong.

Guess who?

Drumroll please: right now Lin Li was looking at Yan Aosong with a face full of kindly concern.

The Celestial Gang has been turned upside down.

"As long as you’re self-aware, that’s fine!" Having his line stolen, Yan Aosong said irritably, waving his hand in a shooing gesture. "All right, hurry up and get home to rest."

Watching Lin Li pedal off into the distance, Yan Aosong felt absolutely no worry about a kid going home this late at night. Rather than worry about Lin Li, he’d be better off worrying about whatever criminals had decided to target Lin Li.

Right now all Yan Aosong could hope for was that once New Year came and Lin Li’s mother returned home, she’d at least manage to keep this guy somewhat in check.

...

A few hours later, in the morning.

Even though he’d only slept a few hours, Lin Li still arrived at school bright-eyed and full of energy.

The exam room was Class Six, the familiar second floor.

"Yo, Lin Li, you’re here."

Number 5 candidate from Class Five, Bai Bufan, who needed five doses of Viagra, and number 19 candidate from Class Five, Yang Bangjie, were both leaning against the corridor railing with their Chinese textbooks, basking in the sun, their upper bodies slightly sticking out past the handrail.

"Sup, yo～(∠・ω<)⌒☆~" Lin Li greeted them too.

"Hey, Lin Li, you know, I realized something." Bai Bufan didn’t call Lin Li disgusting, he just turned his head slightly and spoke in a lazy tone.

"What is it, tell me." Lin Li listened with rapt attention.

"I was reviewing all night last night, and I discovered something really amazing."

"When you’re studying, as long as you close your eyes, it feels really good."

Lin Li: "Fuck, why didn’t you say so earlier!"

Yang Bangjie: "That’s called sleeping, you dumbass."

"Since you’re not keeping it to yourself, I actually discovered something pretty amazing too." Lin Li spoke up.

"What is it, you tell us." Bai Bufan listened with rapt attention.

"Studying makes you really stressed out, right?

And it just so happens I discovered a super stress-relieving thing last night. We guys just have to cup our hands together, put them over that thing, and simulate a woman’s organ, sliding up and down. Then we’ll get a certain level of sexual pleasure. It is incredibly, incredibly, incredibly comfortable.

It’s just that, it spits out white foam."

Bai Bufan, Yang Bangjie: "Fuck, why didn’t you say so earlier!!"