Chapter 473: Benjamin, Please Don’t Hate Me
I moved my melancholic self away from there and slumped in my bed in my chambers, the familiar scent of straw and leaves doing nothing to comfort me.
The tears came then, hot and unstoppable, soaking the bedding beneath me as I wept with a grief I had never known.
Very unable to stop the tears that soaked the bed, I wondered if this would be the new normal.
If this was how it would always be between us. If I had finally pushed him away for good.
The manner at which I was treated a while back was not hostile or malevolent. It was indifferent. That was what made it so much worse than any cruelty or anger could have been.
There was no heat in his words, no passion in his actions, just a cold detachment that spoke of someone who had simply... simply stopped caring.
I feel like Benjamin is no longer seeing me as a lover.
The thought echoed in my mind, hollow and devastating. Then, now what?
What was I supposed to do with myself if he no longer wanted me? What purpose did I have if the one person I loved above all others had finally given up on me?
I laid in the bed, curled up for hours, my body twisted into a tight ball of misery, my arms wrapped around my knees as if I could hold myself together through sheer physical force.
I was ruing why I was born with a mouth, why I could not simply speak the words that lived in my heart, why I had been cursed with this inability to be honest when it mattered most.
The tears came and went in waves, soaking the bedding beneath me, leaving my cheeks raw and my eyes swollen.
Sniffing and crying alone in the silence of my chambers, the only sounds were my own ragged breaths and the distant chirping of birds outside the window.
But when I realized that the sun had begun to set, casting long amber shadows across the walls of my chambers, I quickly stood up.
I forced myself to move, forced myself to act before it was too late.
And I began to run.
I don’t think anything I do will make a difference after all this time, the thought was bitter and hopeless, but I ran nonetheless.
I past startled servants and confused guards, my bare feet slapping against the cold ground.
I ran past the gardens where we had walked together, past the training grounds where he had watched me practice, past every memory that now felt like a knife in my heart.
At the entrance to Verdant Spire, escorted by all the women he loved and loved him back, a multitude.
They stood in a loose formation around him, their faces a mixture of sadness and affection, their eyes wet with tears they did not bother to hide.
Lulu was there, her hand on his arm. Marina stood nearby, her expression unreadable. Sara had come, her energy subdued into something quieter, more mournful.
At the distance, I then saw him wave his last and turned his back to the forest.
His hand rose in a final gesture of farewell, and then he was walking away, his steps carrying him toward the treeline where the shadows were growing long.
I increased my speed again, and in no time I reached and held his torso tightly.
My arms wrapped around him with desperate strength, my face pressed against his back, my body shaking with the force of my emotions.
"..."
"..."
No one was saying anything, everyone was silent, and only the evening breeze frolicked with leaves and such.
The wind whispered through the trees, carrying the scent of earth and green things, a soft accompaniment to the tension that hung in the air like a held breath.
"What do you want, Tamar?" He asked softly, his voice calm.
"..." I was scared.
The words were there, burning on my tongue, desperate to be released, but my throat was closed, my voice was gone.
I was ashamed and terrified of what might come out of my mind.
I might say "What? Can I not hug your body anymore?" with a sharp edge to my voice, defensive and cruel.
Or "shut it, you man!" another insult to drive him further away.
My mind raced for what to say and do, knowing that Benjamin seriously had to be on his way already, knowing that every second I wasted was a second closer to losing him forever.
Soon I felt his hand on mine, and my heart began to beat faster and faster.
His fingers were warm against my skin, gentle despite everything, and the touch sent a jolt of electricity through my entire body.
He tried to peel me off, but I refused.
His fingers pried at my grip, but I held on tighter, my arms locking around him like iron bands.
I held on like my life depended on it. Because it did. It truly did.
Tears poured out of my eyes as we struggled there; him trying to go, but me not wanting to let go.
They streamed down my cheeks in hot rivulets, soaking into his tunic, my sobs muffled against his back.
My body shook with the force of my grief, my grip growing weaker even as I tried to hold on.
Finally, he successfully peeled me off, his hands pushing mine away with firm, deliberate force.
The shock made me whimper loudly, a sound of such raw pain and desperation that I barely recognized it as my own.
My arms were empty, my chest was cold, and he was walking away.
I ran back and grabbed his waist again, pressing myself against him with renewed desperation.
My fingers dug into the fabric of his tunic, my body pressed against his, my face buried in the space between his shoulder blades.
The shock of letting go once and risking him disappear scared me so much, that I spoke:
"I’m sorry... Forgive me, I’m sorry!" I began to cry loudly, for the first time in several centuries. The words tumbled out of me in a flood, broken and desperate, each one a plea for mercy I did not deserve. "I’m so sorry! I’m sorry! Please, I’m sorry!"
That was the only thing I had to say, as I cried bitterly, so hurt and pained, it felt like that day was the last for me.
The apologies spilled from my lips like water from a broken dam, unstoppable and overwhelming.
I had held them in for so long, locked them away behind walls of pride and fear, and now they were all coming out at once.
Still crying and yelling for forgiveness, I heard his voice breaking in to say something.
The words were muffled, indistinct, but I could hear the shape of them, the cadence of his speech.
But I was frightened it would be a horrid rejection, and I didn’t think my heart would be able to take it.
I could not bear to hear him say that he was done with me, that he never wanted to see me again, that I had finally pushed him too far.
So I increased my voice and shouted apologies; "I’m so, so sorry, Benjamin!! Don’t hate me, don’t hate me, please! I will change, I swear! I will be better! I will be honest! Just please, please do not leave me!"
"Wai—! What the hell?! Are you sleep talking?!" With a more violent shake, Benjamin successfully made me open my eyes.
And something was very wrong. A sense of deja vu came upon me, overwhelming and disorienting.
I was not in the entrance to the forest as I thought, and there were no women around. There was no sunset, no gathered crowd or any teary farewell.
I was naked on my bed, my thighs covered in semen, and it was early in the morning, not sunset.
The straw beneath me was cool, the air was fresh, and the sound of birdsong drifted through the open window.
Benjamin was beside me, his hand still on my shoulder from shaking me awake, his blue eyes wide with concern and confusion.