Chapter 472: Tell him that I Love him
When they had all settled down a bit, Benjamin turned happily and his eyes met mine.
The sunlight caught his blue irises, making them sparkle like sapphires, and he smiled at me with such warmth and affection that my heart ached.
My heart immediately skipped a bit, and I fell in love with him again at first glance.
I had seen him countless times, had spent days and nights in his presence, and yet every single time our eyes met like this, it felt like the first time all over again.
My breath caught in my throat, my cheeks flushed, and I felt that familiar ache in my chest that only he could produce.
He skipped over to me waving, his movements light and carefree, as if the weight of the past few days had been lifted from his shoulders.
His hand reached out and patted my head softly, his fingers gentle against my hair, his touch warm and reassuring. "I will also be on my way. Though, Elara is urging me to wait till it’s evenin—"
"Of..."
"Hm? You said something, Tamar?" Benjamin tilted his head, his blue eyes curious, his smile still in place.
But my hand shot out and held his, squeezing with all the strength I had that the bone shattered.
I heard the crack, felt the give of his fingers beneath my grip, then saw the blood begin to well up from the wounds my nails had caused.
The sound was sickening, the feeling of his bones breaking beneath my hand was nauseating, and yet I could not stop myself.
"K-Keep your hands off me..." I asked, my face red and flustered, my voice trembling.
It was supposed to be a plea, a desperate request for him to step back because I could not handle the intensity of my own emotions.
But it came out harsh and cruel, another weapon in my endless arsenal of self-destruction.
"Tamar?! What is the meaning of that?!" Mother yelled and began taking Benjamin away from me, her hands gentle but firm as she pulled him from my grip.
Blood dropped from his hand, splattering against the stone floor in small crimson droplets, each one a testament to my latest failure.
He didn’t act as if he felt any pain, his face remaining calm and composed despite the injury I had just inflicted.
But his shocked eyes remained fixed on me, those beautiful blue irises wide with something I could not process.
This time around, I wasn’t trying to be violent at all. The thought desperately echoed in my mind, pleading, but I knew it was a lie.
I had hurt him, and no amount of internal justification could change that fact.
I had been in the process of collapsing because his divine face was looking at my own directly, with such an expression; his blue crystal eyes that seemed to see straight through to my soul, his lips that had kissed me so tenderly just nights before, his entire face that radiated a beauty that should have been reserved for gods alone.
The proximity was too much, just when the intensity of my feelings were overwhelming every rational thought in my head.
And then he touched my head as well, I thought I would die from the overwhelming emotions.
It was more than I could bear. My vision swam, my knees buckled, and I felt myself spiraling into a panic I could not control.
I’m... probably the most weak-willed of all the Amazons in this village.
The thought was bitter, self-recriminating, but undeniably true.
My sisters were strong and confident, able to express their desires without shame or fear.
They could love openly and honestly, without the need for masks and the hard-to-get game.
But I was different, broken in some fundamental way that I could not fix.
In my fluster, I took his hands off my head, with my usual verbal bite as well.
But his face...
As mother barked at me, scolding me about boundaries and limits, her voice sharp and disappointed, Benjamin’s arm had healed completely.
The broken bones had mended, the torn flesh had knitted together, and his hand was whole once more, as if I had never touched it at all.
"It’s fine, Elara," he made a strange smile, a smile that seemed to carry the weight of an entire world of hurt. "I have been probing for a few days, and I get the full picture now."
Eh...?
Wh... What picture?
The words echoed in my mind, cold and terrifying.
What was Benjamin saying?
What had he discovered in his probing?
The drop from overjoyed from being touched, to shock of being hurt was not the most pleasant thing I have felt.
The whiplash of emotions was dizzying, leaving me gasping for breath, my heart pounding against my ribs like a caged bird.
He continued: "Tamar, I’m sorry. I... will stop now. It’s even getting way too ridiculous. Elara and many others here actually love me. But it appears you will only ever see me as an outsider."
No...
No, no, no, no, no, no!!!!
The denial screamed in my mind, desperate and frantic, but no sound escaped my lips.
My throat was closed, my voice was gone, and I could only stand there frozen as the words I had been dreading finally came to pass.
Please, mother, anyone!
Tell him that it is not the truth! Tell him that I love him more than my own life!
Tell him that every cruel word, every violent action, was born from a love so overwhelming that I did not know how to contain it!
"I am truly sorry, Benjamin," mother rubbed his cheek, then embraced him from his side, her touch tender and affectionate. Her voice was soft, carrying a note of genuine regret. "After nearly a millennia old, she still acts like a child, and it baffles me. She definitely does not mean any harm."
"I understand." Benjamin nodded, his voice flat, devoid of the warmth it usually carried. "I will go tease Marina a bit now before evening reaches. Sara has been frantically preparing me for the journey, like I’m a small boy. Haha... Hm?"
As he and mother were about to turn and leave, he suddenly stopped.
His body went still, his head tilting slightly as he had sensed something unexpected.
"What is it, Tamar?" Mother asked, glancing at my hand holding Benjamin’s sleeve.
My fingers were wrapped around the fabric of his tunic, trembling. I had not even realized I had reached out, had not noticed my hand moving of its own accord.
But there it was, a desperate anchor, a plea without words.
"..."
I said nothing. I was too scared. I was afraid if I opened my mouth, I would say something irreversible again.
I was afraid that any words I spoke would only push him further away, would confirm every terrible thing he believed about me.
Not even regarding me much, Benjamin forcefully pulled his hand off, his motion efficient and cold.
He did not look at me, did not acknowledge my desperate grip. He simply pulled away and moved to speaking with mother about some other matter, his voice calm and conversational, as if I did not exist at all.
"..."
I could perceive mother paying me pitiful glances as they walked away, her eyes filled with a sympathy that only made the pain worse.
She knew, she understood, but she could not fix this for me. No one could.
They left me standing alone.
Alone...
I moved my melancholic self away from there and slumped in my bed in my chambers, the familiar scent of straw and leaves doing nothing to comfort me.
The tears came then, hot and unstoppable, soaking the bedding beneath me as I wept with a grief I had never known.
Very unable to stop the tears that soaked the bed, I wondered if this would be the new normal.
If this was how it would always be between us. If I had finally pushed him away for good.