Chapter 471: A Violent Animal
He spared me a glance, his blue eyes meeting mine across the room.
There was no anger in them, nor resentment. Just understanding, the same endless patience he had always shown me.
"I plan to have a lot of fun before leaving, but it’s not like I’m going extinct. If you miss me, I can just run back in mach speed!"
"Hmph. Who would need you..." I just lightly muttered, the words slipping out before I could stop them, quiet enough that I thought only I could hear.
But Benjamin clearly twitched again from it, his shoulders stiffening almost imperceptibly, a flicker of something painful crossing his features before he smoothed it away.
He didn’t respond, didn’t turn back, and didn’t give me the chance to take it back.
He just left.
And I stood there frozen, the weight of my own words pressing down on me like a physical burden.
The silence of the chamber was deafening, broken only by the faint chirping of birds outside the window and the distant sounds of the palace nearby waking to life.
Soon after, Lulu rushed to me and pushed me back, very intentional to make me fall.
Her small hands struck my chest with surprising force, and I stumbled backward.
"Meanie!" She yelled and ran off, her footsteps echoing down the hallway, her voice ringing with hurt that cut deeper than any insult she could have thrown at me.
Well... she was right.
I truly was being mean, and I have no excuse whatsoever.
The truth of it settled over me like a shroud, heavy and suffocating. I had hurt him again, pushed him away again, driven him off with my sharp tongue and words.
And for what? To protect myself from a vulnerability I was too afraid to acknowledge?
But I really want to know something: I have said and done a lot to Benjamin since we’ve known each other.
I have insulted him, attacked him, pushed him away at every opportunity.
And through it all, he had smiled, shrugged and stayed by my side, patient and very understanding.
What is going on with him now that he’s taking actual damages from my usual carelessness?
What had changed?
Is he passing through something alone and actually doesn’t need me to add to his anxieties?
He had just become a demi-god of recent, ascending to a level of power that most beings could only dream of.
Not even a level one, but apparently a level four, arguably the highest level achievable by any mortal being.
Such a transformation could not be easy, could not be without its trials and tribulations.
So... Perhaps Benjamin is dealing with some kind of identity crisis or the like, grappling with the weight of his new existence, struggling to reconcile who he was with who he had become...?
And here I am making it worse, piling my own insecurities and fears on top of his burden, adding to his anxieties rather than easing them.
Alright!
For the remaining three days he will be here, I will make myself the best woman he will have.
I will be kind, warm, and honest.
I will show him the love I feel instead of hiding behind my walls and my words. I will make him see that beneath all my foolishness, I truly care about him.
***
Despite what I said and planned, I was very flustered and panicked in retrospect.
The grand resolutions I had made in the privacy of my chambers crumbled the moment I had tried to put them into practice.
If Benjamin appeared suddenly, instead of me to have noticed him coming from his magical energy, I would be alarmed and assault him.
My body would move before my mind could catch up, and I would find myself lashing out, my voice rising in panic: "D-Don’t just appear out of nowhere!"
And every time, he would hold that strange appearance of gloom, that spark of hurt that crossed his features before he could hide it.
His blue eyes would dim, his smile would falter, and for just a moment, I would see the pain I was brutally causing him.
Then he would quickly become cheerful again and shrug me off, pretending that my words had not affected him, pretending that everything was fine.
The entire day and the next was wasted on Benjamin actually trying to talk with me and be a great lover.
He would approach me with warmth and affection, his eyes soft, his smile genuine. Then he would hug me warmly from behind and kiss the area beneath my earlobe, his breath warm against my skin, his arms firm around my waist.
And I would respond with insults and a punch, pushing him away with words that cut deeper than any blade.
He would randomly compliment me, my outfit, my demeanor, my beauty.
He would tell me I looked lovely, that my eyes sparkled in the light, that my smile made his heart ache.
And I would retaliate with some kind of violence, a shove or a slap, my face burning with embarrassment, my heart screaming at me to stop.
As if under a spell. But it was no spell. It was just my stupid self being typical, my old habits and fears taking control when I was too weak to fight them.
Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I simply accept his love and return it in kind? Why must I always push him away when all I want is to pull him closer?
No, I’m actually somewhat normal.
Something just goes wrong whenever I’m around Benjamin in particular.
The very air around him seems to zap my brain, to turn me into someone I don’t recognize.
I love him more than I can fathom, and I don’t want him to hate me.
But my actions... I am aware of them, I can see myself doing them, but I am powerless to stop myself.
It is as if, for me to successfully stop being like this, I would have to remain emotionally stable whenever he is around.
That translates to I would no longer be in love with him. And that’s impossible.
The love is so much, it fills my chest to bursting, it makes my head spin and my knees weak. I don’t usually know what to do with it, and since I’m naturally a violent animal, I act on instincts and hurt him.
Now the third day had finally arrived, and soon Benjamin will be off.
The morning sun streamed through the windows, golden and warm, but my heart was cold with dread. I didn’t know what to do, so I just ran to the palace quickly to where they all were.
I arrived to see them waving Aunt Sakura and her deer-girl attendant, as they mounted their Phoenix beast and flew away into the bright morning sky.
The great bird’s wings beat against the air, scattering feathers of gold and crimson, and I watched until they became a speck on the horizon.
Looking at mother’s face, I had never seen her show such... friendship with someone outside our village.
Her smile was genuine, her wave enthusiastic, her eyes bright with a warmth I had rarely seen directed at anyone beyond our people.
When they had all settled down a bit, Benjamin turned happily and his eyes met mine.
The sunlight caught his blue irises, making them sparkle like sapphires, and he smiled at me with such warmth and affection that my heart ached.