My Alleged Husband

These are countless days and nights, my endless longing for you.

"Zhentian, if there is another life, I would still want to live with you, because you truly are a wonderful man. But now I can’t continue living with you. The paths we have chosen have already decided the kind of ending we will face in the future, so I don’t want that kind of ending to make things even more awkward for both of us.

Anyway, today is the last meeting, so listen to my inner thoughts. When I first got together with you, watching you made my heart suddenly pound; I knew in that moment I was deeply trapped in your heart, and there would be no way to change it in this lifetime.

But later I realized, even though I love you so much, I was nothing in your heart. I didn’t know why you chose to be with me initially, but when I was with you, it wasn’t for your money, your family background, or your status. If I cared about these, I could have found a man far better than you a thousand times over much earlier. But I didn’t do that; I knew I was a commoner’s daughter, I couldn’t compare to those daughters of Wealthy Families, so I couldn’t form a suitable union with you. At first, your father also opposed us being together. At that time, I was really disheartened, I never thought my road to love would be so turbulent. But when I saw you standing up resolutely to confront your father for me, I realized you truly loved me. Whether that love was feigned or had an ulterior motive, I felt comforted inside. From that time, I didn’t want much. I just hoped the person I loved could love me unconditionally, truly regard me as his own, sincerely include me in his life’s plans.

Although the decisions we made at that time are truly unbelievable now, thinking back to that youthful recklessness, wasn’t it a precious memory for us? Recalling that time makes me very happy, thank you for giving me so many memories. These memories are facts that cannot be obliterated in this lifetime; they will always remain in my heart. Whether you forget them or not, I cannot change your inner thoughts. Perhaps you will turn away and forget, but I won’t; from the beginning, I genuinely loved you, yet you chose to use me. You needn’t bother explaining anything now— my intuition was quite accurate. Even knowing you were using me, I still followed your steps regardless, even as I knew I’d end up hurt all over, utterly torn apart. But I still wanted to be with you without regard for anything, I only hoped to be with you without seeking anything else. Ultimately, what kind of return did you give me in exchange for your distrust, your doubts about me? Do you think such a marriage is worth holding on to? It’s better to end it early; this wasn’t the most blissful marriage for either of us. During that time, I didn’t know if you were truly happy or not, but I was very happy, very blissful. My happiest moments were during those years, when you could give up everything at home for me, roam the world together, homeless. I’m very grateful for this gratitude— this debt cannot be repaid in a lifetime. I know you lost a lot, and it is precisely because you lost these things that I cannot make up for it. But I hope you understand many things; since you have already made your decision, don’t think about reconciling with me again, because it is an unrealistic idea...

I’ve said everything I need to say, you should think about whether there’s anything you want to say too. Anyway, today is the last time we meet; if we don’t say it now, there will be no chance later."

Zhang Zhentian knew every word Xia Jing said was the truth. He knew that if this woman hid from meeting him, even if he searched high and low, he wouldn’t find her whereabouts. The power behind her was so great; he couldn’t make it disappear, he could only comply. So whatever he had to say, he must hurry to express it, otherwise he’d have no opportunity to speak at all later.

"Perhaps you think that initially being with you wasn’t out of love, but for another purpose. But I have a clear conscience being with you; without you, I still love you. After you left me, I realized that love isn’t something you can just forget. But I must bear the consequences of my own mistakes; I can’t keep pushing all the blame onto you, making you take the fall. I know every decision I made at that time saddened you greatly, but instead of leaving me, you always stayed by my side. This comforted me deeply inside. Even knowing these things are unfair to you, I still never stood up to speak for you, never stood in your shoes to consider even a little bit. This was my failure as a husband, and my greatest failure as a man. I won’t act like I used to. Maybe you can forget me, but I can’t think clearly about what I want inwardly, or what kind of life I want later. Then I realized, I’m really not that kind of profit-seeking person. I can sacrifice all my interests for my love. Before, I could be unscrupulous for love, and now I can still give up everything for the one I love. I don’t care—I don’t care about money, status, fame, power. What I care about is whether I can achieve the life I want, the life I desire. But now, the life I want lacks you; then it’s not the perfect life. I believe through my efforts, I can still find you and build my perfect life. I hope you can wait for the day I find you. No matter where you have gone, I will find you, even if it’s the ends of the earth. I won’t stop; I’ll find you, even if I die along the way, even if I never get to see you again. I will remain fearless and regretless.

I ask for nothing, want nothing, just ask that when I find you, you don’t give me despair once more. I only want you to be with me; if you give me despair again, I will truly collapse. My life cannot bear so many ups and downs. I already know my mistakes; the despair you gave me has shown me deeply the arrival of death. I know that kind of despair makes oneself afraid!"

Your tenderness gives me endless longing, even though time and appearance will certainly change.